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October 30 nicer, better, biggerThis week at work a customer had an "accident" in our bathroom. Left a mess. I volunteered to clean it up. It truly wasn't that bad. But multiple coworkers said
"You're nicer than I am!"
hmmmmm.
Earlier this week I was telling a friend (HI FRIEND!!) that I had ridden my bike 4.5 days the last two weeks and all of this week. And she said
"You're a better person than ME!!"
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
A couple weeks ago a coworker saw me riding my bike near work and was asking me about the biking all the time ... well, we were on a street corner, me on the sidewalk, her in her Tahoe, and I told her I had to go to the bank as well and she said "How far is that?!" I said "3 miles or so I think." And she said
"Youre a bigger person than I am!!!"
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Now, technically, yes I am significantly biggger than she is, consider she is like a size 4 on a heavy day, but I don't think that's what she meant. But the irony of that was SO not lost on me. Anyway, I digress, but only slightly.
It has just gotten me to wondering, why exactly do we do that? Compare everyone else to ourselves and our situations? Don't we all do that? We see someone looking raggedy and walking on our way to work and decide I am clearly better off than they are. We see someone driving a Lexus or a BMW or a Cadillac and think, hm, well, clearly he's doing better than I am. And in much less drastic ways we do it. We look around at our friends and think well their little boy has cancer, so my problems shouldn't seem so big. Or we look the other direction and think she got a boob job, clearly they're doing better financially than me, but what does that say about her personally? The worst is that we do it in the church ... a LOT. Well, he is an elder, cleary he has it all together. She is running that ministry, clearly her life is great. He's the pastor, he must not have any struggles of his own if he can handle ours!
But here's the kicker, none of it is true! That person walking on your way to work has simply chosen to live more simply. The person behind the wheel of that BMW could be mortgaged up to their ears! I'm so sorry your son has cancer, but my problems aren't actually any less because of it. Yes, that lends me some perspective and reminds me to be greateful for what I have, but it doesn't make my lack any less lacking.
Do you think for one second that God pays attention to any of those criteria? I can tell you absolutely, without question he does not. The Bible clearly states (multiple times I think) that God looks at the inner man, he looks beyond your surface, he looks at your heart and your attitude and your mind. But not only can we not see that in other people to begin with, we can't comprehend a God that does that. We can't reference it. We have no way of making our own judgments based on his scale, so we use the one we have available to us. And, in the meantime, we miss out on opportunities to know people. We inadvertently offend and hurt those we ought to be enjoying thoroughly. We miss out on so much of the richness this life has to offer us because we are so caught up in our cosmic King of the Hill that we fail to simply laugh and smile and pray.
Me? I see that man walking on my way to work and I smile at him as I pass on my bicycle. I even pray for him, that God would bless him today and give him favor in whatever he is setting his hand to. And if he looks ill in some way I may even offer up a prayer that God brings him healing.
That woman in the BMW. I wonder if that was some form of bribery from a husband who isn't truly vested in their marriage. I sometimes pray for her too.
My friend's whose son has cancer? I pray. Hard. A lot. For Divine and Miraculous healing. And I count my blessings that I have not only a great biological family but such an incredible spiritual family.
I know two women who've had boob jobs. I pray for each, for vastly different reasons.
But I try to not compare myself to them. My life has taken a different path than each of theirs. Not better. Not worse. Not right or wrong. Just different. I can only hope and pray that those around me don't decide those things about me! I hope that they can see my truest heart and enjoy the love and compassion and gentleness and need/lack/desire for relationships that is contained there.
So, What are you going to think when you see that guy walking on your way to work tomorrow? October 28 Five AdjectivesThanks to Pioneer Woman for this great idea and incredibly long and convoluted intro to said idea. Made me smile. I've decided to post mine here and ask you all to post yours!
Five Adjectives that you would use to describe who you are.
Mine:
1. Funny
2. Blessed
3. Beloved
4. Intercessor
5. Dreamer
I have lots more I want to write about, and hopefully those will come in future posts. Just really wanted to get something up tonight. But now that my supper is done I really want to watch another episode of Gilmore Girls before my Tuesday Nite TV starts. Biggest Loser, alternating a bit with the Mentalist once that starts, taping Fringe @ 8:00 so i can watch it at 9 when the other two are done. Hey, don't knock it! It's my system, it works for me. And it keeps me from crying in my nachos every night from loneliness and boredom.
 and, because I have a feeling, if you could leave your five in my comments, that'd be GREAT!! To do so, at the bottom of this post is a list of options one of htem says 'Add Comment' Click on that, fill in your name, or whatever version of your name you'd like to use, fill in your email if you want the whole world to have it and your website if you feel like sharing and then fill in whatever else you have to say. Hope that helps the comment-challenged readers I know I have. Love you! October 27 ok, seriously nowSeriously?? This guy, who started at 1230 pounds, has lost 550 pounds, and STILL had to be taken on the back of a flatbed truck???
HE got married?!?
I can't get a date ... but HE got married!!
I may just give up entirely.
 sigh.  October 26 necessity is a motherof invention of ingenuity of intense frustration ... something. I'm too lazy to look up the actual quote right now.
But this has become my personal mantra. Which will be tested tomorrow, in a way yet to be encountered. You see I figured out an honest to gawd budget a little over a month ago. And I found that being average on gasoline and conservative on groceries I am still $70 in the hole every month. And that doesn't even include paying down any already outstanding bills. Clearly, I had to find a way to cut somewhere. I decided, since I live a mile from work and I do thoroughly enjoy riding my bike, that the car-starting-for-one-mile-commute was coming to an end. That or I had to start walking, but, of course, walking takes much longer than biking does. And, I already have problem enough getting out of bed and showered early enough to make it on time on the bike, much less add 10-13 minutes for walking. So, the last two weeks I rode my bike to work 4.5 times each week. One day I needed to get groceries after work, so I biked in the morning and drove back after lunch. It was raining or something once this week so I did the same thing that day. In addition, 3 times the first week and twice last week I also rode another half mile past work to the Curves club to work out. It took a week for the quads to begin protesting and another 3 days for the tailbone to begin to mutiny. But they'll just have to get used to it.
I have also come to appreciate the Crock-Pot I got for Christmas two years ago that NEVER GOT TAKEN OUT OF THE BOX! Until a couple weeks ago. I made a batch of mom's Hamburger Soup, then last week I made up my own recipe for chicken noodle soup based mostly on what I already have in the house. I have my aunt's basics for chili making and the fixins and am now looking for a fourth soup to add to the repertoir. I'm eating a lot of sandwiches lately. I don't have money to go out anymore. So, I cook a little more than I used to. And because I feel so broke all the time, I reserve my frozen dinners for the days when I really feel like I want or need one.
Good thing I moved into this more expensive apartment in August. At least here I don't have to pay for my heat. So, no matter how frightful the weather is outside or how cold I get riding around on my bicycle, I know I can come back to cozy Saunaville.
Oh, so, tomorrow my resolve to ride the bike is going to be seriously tested. It's our first truly cold day since my new resolve and I think, possibly, the first truly cold day since official autumn. The weatherpeople are calling for possible snow tonight. SNOW??? Why can't they call for sunny & 55? Aren't they running this popsicle stand?? Guess not. So, I'll have to listen to the radio or something in the morning and find out what the current temp is and the forecast for the rest of the day to determine how much winterwear to don before leaving my oh so cozy abode.
And, my hair is getting long. Like, drifting below my shoulders long. Why? Not because I decided to grow it out. Because I decided that with a $70 deficit I can't afford to spend the $20 to get it trimmed if it looks fine like it is. Plus it actually looks kinda nice most of the time. Not sure how this freezing weather and thereby required hat/scarf combo are going to affect the look of my newly lengthened locks, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Maybe I'll suddely come into some money and be able to do everything I want without worrying about it. Maybe not.
The up side to all this is that I am forced to rely more deeply and thoroughly on God to provide for my deficit. So far he has, although I gotta say, it's one of those supernatural freaky things where I've no idea how he's doing it. Regardless I am deeply grateful that he is providing. And I am deeply grateful that I don't have to consider living as a polar bear under multiple, multiple layers just to be comfortable this winter and even mroe so that i don't have to stuff my clothes with newspapers or take charity blankets because I live on the street. Additionally, I am deeply grateful that if the worst-case-scenario hits me personally, that I do have parents with a basement that would still welcome me if I were destitute and the alternative were living on the street. And, the other upside to the bike-riding, less-food-eating plan is that I should be guaranteed to lose some weight again. So, ya can't beat that.
Another new song. I went looking for this song, but I don't have it. So then I was going to put up Here is our King by David Crowder band, but this song came on after it and it strikes me as more appropriate. So, I uploaded this one instead. Only You by David Crowder Band on their Illuminate CD. October 22 to pamper excessivelyOr
to impair the disposition or character of by overindulgence or excessive praise
See also: Coddle, Pamper
These are two definitions of Spoil - as in spoiled. I have recently been told, twice, on completely separate occasions, that I am spoiled. I am not sure what to think of this. I am having a hard time finding the right word for my reaction. I'm just a tiny bit annoyed. I'm slightly disturbed. A bit sad. And, quite baffled.
A gal at work was today was talking about paper towels. And I mentioned how my mom has these fantastic 'Magic Cloths' she uses that are great on windows. Then I mention how she came to my new apartment and cleaned all the windows before I moved in. To which, one coworker responds "You are spoiled."
A little over a month ago i was spending an afternoon relaxing and enjoying the company of a group of friends. I mentioned how my mom had come that week to clean my apartment for the gathering. And again, from a good friend, I hear "You are spoiled."
My knee-jerk thought is 'Well, I don't have anyone else (i.e. a significant other) to spoil me!'
My second thought is "I live by the motto, If you don't ask, you don't get. No, just because you ask doesn't mean you will get, but if you don't ask, no one is going to read your mind."
All the while I am baffled by what, exactly, makes me so spoiled? Let me clarify a few points.
First and foremost, I am a dirty, nasty pig. I am. I do actually ask my mom to come over about once a month to clean my apartment. I only tidy when someone who cares is coming over or if I need to find something I lost. I did my dishes last night and was tempted to actually throw away at least 2 dishes because what was inside of them was so deeply disgusting because they'd been sitting, waiting to be washed, for about a week. We're not even going to talk about the current state of my toilet. I know this. I am not even remotely under any delusions about this fact of my life. It is who I am, at least for the time being.
Second, I did not even hint that my mom ought to come and clean my windows. Nor did I suggest nor request that she pack the picture frames or books or anything else in the old apartment. I also did not request that she come to the new apartment and clean anything in preparation for my move in. Simple explanation: she cares, I don't. Elaboration: She cares if my stuff gets cleaned before being packed or if the new apartment gets cleaned before i move in. I just plain don't. It's a place. Apparently I don't consider it a reflection on my person or character. That being said, I know my mom. I know her well. She can't tolerate the idea of me moving and her not helping in some way, shape or form. She also can't tolerate the idea of dirty things being moved into a dirty apartment. So, I give her ideas of things she could do if she wanted to and she does whatever she feels like. Also, when she comes to clean my apartment she vacuums, cleans the hardwoods (Yes, my apartment has hardwoods!!!), dusts if she feels like it, maybe does dishes if there are any to do, and wipes off the bathroom sink and maybe toilet if she is so inclined. Almost every time she says "I am not cleaning the bathtub." To which I reply ... "Never expected you to do it."
I spend typically two nights a week at mom n dad's, catching up, hanging out, spending true quality time with them. My personal love language is physical touch, but as far as I can tell theirs is a combination of Gifts and Time. Plus, since I've seen too many sappy 'died-too-early' movies, I try to be certain I always let them know how much I love them. Typically by spending time with them. I consider it our 'trade off.'
So, all of this to say, I don't understand what makes me Spoiled. My extended family has always thought of me as the spoiled one and I've never understood where they got that from.
I suppose what bothers me the most is the clearly negative connotation to it. People never say spoiled as a good thing. NEVER
If we use merriam webster's dictionary definitions
1) to seize by force; to damage seriously; to practice plunder and robbery; to lose valuable or useful qualities usually as a result of decay (the fruit spoiled); to have an eager desire (spoiling for a fight) - I think we can all basically agree that none of these apply to me at al.
2) ruin, to impair the quality or effect of (a quarrel spoiled the celebration) - I may be self-absorbed or delusional but I can't say that I think any indulgence to my favor has ruined me or impaired my quality or effect. If anything, indulgence probably enhances my effect! (hee hee)
3) to impair the disposition or character of by overindulgence or excessive praise - Although some might say the situations above and any other circumstances of my life may be overindulging, again, I don't believe it has impaired my disposition or character. And, I gotta say, I don't think anyone excessively praises me. I'm not sure I can even name the last time I was praised for anything. Possibly church two weeks ago, and that may not even count.
4) to pamper excessively, coddle - This one has the best odds of actually being true of me. However, even then i disagree. I don' think there is any excessiveness in what little pampering I get.
So, I am left slightly bewildered. Why, exactly, am I to be considered spoiled because I have people who love me and are willing to do tasks for me, for which I am greatly appreciative. And, let's say for argument's sake that I am spoiled. What is so terrible about that? Why is it such a sin for me, a single, lives alone, working girl to get pampered or spoiled a little bit?? I reiterate my earlier question: "Who else is going to spoil me?" Lord knows I can't actually afford to do it myself, why shouldn't someone else bless me once in awhile??
October 21 Biggest Loser Reflections1) Amy is my new model. She is closer to me in age than Coleen is (though she is still INCREDIBLY INSPIRING to me) and she carries her weight almost exactly like I do. So ... she's my new favorite
2) Vicky irritates the crap out of me. She is TOTALLY there to win the money. Which on one level I understand, but in my opinion if you're not on this show to lose weight and improve your health then get off. That's not inspiring, that's not encouraging, THAT'S NOT HELPING!!! Plus having to watch her smug ugly face grin throughout their ENTIRE ridiculously pathetic weigh-in ... irritating isn't even the word for it.
3) Heba is also driving me crazy. She has the craziest mindset about stuff. I will concede it is entirely possible I myself would be acting just that crazy in the same situation ... since I have a tendency towards The Crazy anyway ... but it still irritates me. I actually agree with Phil, she is constantly trying to control the game to her advantage. I soooooo wished that one brownie Amy ate would have been JUST enough to nudge Heba over so Amy could choose teams. Personally, I think I'd have split it halfway down the middle just to even it out. But, that's me .... sitting at home .... on my couch .... with cookie dough. Well, not tonight I didn't have cookie dough, but usually I do.
Lastly, the part that bothers me the most. I watch this show and I truly am inspired by the changes these people are making the risks they've taken and, honestly, all the screaming and crap they take from Jillian and Bob. But no matter what their results are and no matter how well they do or how much they inspire me ...
I don't want to be 'That Girl'
I have never wanted to be the person who spends hours in a gym. Even when I worked at a gym and could see the obvious results, I still was mostly just irritated by those people. Mostly because they seemed quite shallow as well as thin and tone. but, me, I want to live a FULL life .... like ...
FULL!!!
I am doing that a lot already. I don't have TIME to spend even an hour a day in the gym.
And, yeah yeah I've heard it, it's about finding the small spaces to squeeze in a work out. Well, when I come home at lunchtime for my hour break from my crazy coworkers (who make me want to DRINK!) I do NOT want to work out while I'm here. I want to watch a TV episode or read a book and fully 100% escape from the life I started that morning. Honestly, that is the only way I get through the afternoons sometimes.
Or it's about your eating habits too. Sure it is. But when you're literally living in the red on a monthly basis, you eat what you can afford and you buy ONLY the things you are certain you will actually eat. So, even in that I am limited.
Also I thoroughly enjoy my tv shows at night, plus you're not supposed to work out too close to bedtime because then you can't sleep. I am not about to do ANYTHING that may jeopardize my sleeping. I already have issues with insomnia, I am sooooo not taking that chance. But anyway, I thoroughly enjoy my shows, so I don't want to spend that time in a gym or working out in front of tHe tv, that's my R&R time.
Plus I've been trying to get my mindset/attitude straight so I can get this business going. Well that is at least a half hour of calls every other night at minimum, eventually it would be every night.
Add all those together with a full-time job for a single girl (i.e. no other help at home) who had a very full life of time with family and friends who
STILL has to keep up her house,
pay her bills,
cook for herself,
clean up after herself,
take care of herself,
get enough sleep
and somehow enjoy this thing we try to build called Life
.... there simply aren't enough hours in a day.
Sure, I'd love to be a size 6. I am just realistic enough with myself to know that i am simply not willing to do the amount of work that some other people clearly are. |
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