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30 November Glidin AlongI bought a glider on Black Friday. It was on sale ... half price. Even with that it feels almost decadent ... definitely indulgent. Do I need a glider? NO. Was my life or apartment truly lacking for a glider? NO. But my heart was. (ooohhhh, that sounds GREAT doesn't it??) I wanted a peaceful, comfortable place in my patio room (the 2nd bedroom, I've given it that name because that's where my patio doors are at to my little balcony) to sit and watch it snow or rain or enjoy the sunshine and read on a lazy Saturday. Not that I've had many of those lately ... which, now that I bring it up, I've no idea what I've been doing with my Saturdays that I'm not really lazing around like I prefer to do. Hmmmm, something to look into. There may be a bit of lazing this Saturday. But, I disgress.
I saw it in the ad and thought intently about whether or not to buy it for myself. I believed it to be a doorbuster that was only available until 11 am. So, when I woke up early enough to go without an alarm it was then that I decided it was NOT that important and went back to sleep. For the record, I should simply NOT be allowed to make decisions before 9 am. Especially not before a shower and a cup of lovely coffee. So, I released my hope for this glider. I tried to convince myself that maybe, just maybe, God was going to bless me with some lovely rocker, recliner, something or other for free from a friend or acquaintance.
You can imagine my surprise and subsequent debate when my friend, Kathy, and I went shopping the evening of Black Friday and lo and behold, there it was!! AT THE APPARENTLY NOT DOORBUSTER PRICE!! Part of my original argument against getting up early enough to get it was that I didn't know how good a deal it truly was ... how much off was it exactly? I had no idea what the original price was so I had no idea how much off the sale price was. Well, when I saw it at Shopko, I sat down and glided a bit and made my friend sit in the other one to experience it with me. Then I looked at the price tag. HALF OFF!!! My glider, still on sale, was HALF off the original price. Oh, gee, twist my arm. I think that needs to go home with me ... don't you?? I will spare you the sad realities of trying to get a 2 1/2 foot by 3 foot squared box into the back of a Chevy malibu and the high mileage trip required the next day to pick up said glider. Suffice it to say that it got done. Sadly, it came missing ONE screw. Oh, well. I put it together anyway. I'll worry about having a screw loose later. Ha! I know, funny pun huh? Anyway. The screw, in my opinion, is technically unnecessary. It holds half of one of the arms on. While the other screw and the back also hold the arm in place. So, lack of one screw was not about to hinder me. Additionally sad is that I have not had any opportunity to relax in my glider since I bought it. I read for about a half hour in it last Sunday after I had put it together. Nothing since. I may spend some time there tomorrow morning. We'll see.
22 November Grateful, 1st Annual EditionAs requested by Superfantastic Lori, here is my list of things I'm grateful for this year. Yes some are going to be corny, simple and easy and others are going to be profound and deep and possibly tear-jerking. However, ALL, I guarantee are heart-felt. Truly. Obviously I am not likely thankful for all of these to the same degree ... regardless, here we go. Sight. To be able to see the snow on my balcony railing and to have been able to watch it snow last night. This amazes me sometimes. And it amazes me how much we miss by looking too closely at ourselves. (and to look down and realize my computer is telling me it's 28degrees!!! What the ...???) Hearing. That I can hear the wind in the trees and uplifting music. Touch. I can feel the 300c sheets on my bed and the pounding spray of my shower ... that, by the way, is one of the only reasons I can be a reasonable person before 9 or 10 am. ;) Coca-cola – totally agree with Lori here Also Chocolate Nirvana Steep-N-Brew coffee ... YUM. PERFECT way to start a day. A body that is healthy. All my limbs work, all my senses work (sometimes too well), all my organs and functions and systems work. I have no apparent side effects from being slightly overweight and although I realize I am taking a few risks with my current lifestyle, my body is healthy. Considering my previous post, this is something that is creating an INCREDIBLE level of gratitude for me. A lovely apartment that is safe and warm and reflects me. Maybe not as much as Penelope Garcia's did last night on Criminal Minds ... but it does reflect me. I haven't had a place of my own in a number of years ... back off ... I'll get there!!! ;) Technology that allows me to meet some wonderful people from St. Louis, Pennsylvania and Boston, among many other places. Although I've never met these people in person, I know that when I stop onto the message board tonight that they will celebrate with me and cheer me on. Also, the technology to know that although there are 3 million or so people in this country, apparently none of the male species are looking for ME. I can relax that idea and rest more fully in God's arms and timing. And, again, considering my previous post and a previous encounter with God, I can choose, daily, to be ok with my single state. Much as I WANT a significant other, I also want some very specific things from him. So, I'm willing to live my life as fully and completely as I can in any given day and if he shows up, Yay, if not, at least I didn't waste my time moping around pining away for him. Family. I have a reasonably large extended family. Although I do not get along perfectly with all of them, they all love me, more or less. My immediate family is intact. Probably a big reason I haven't settled for anything less than A LOT from a guy, my dad is an incredible man and I refuse to settle for less than what I have in front of me. Which brings me to ... My church family. There are also some amazing families and marriages there that make me hold out for better than what I've had. They are an imperfect group of people who love each other and God, and at the end of the day imperfect is exactly what we need. Kathy, Katie, Kari, Kelly, Mary, Allison – all such truly DEAR friends who keep me sane and remind me I'm not losing my mind and how normal I really am. You wonderful and amazing women “get” me in ways that most do not and you allow me to breathe and let my guards down and simply be. We all need that sometimes and I thank you for being that for me. I can only pray that I bless you as much as you bless me. Michelle – you get a line all your own because although you “get” me the way these other ladies do we also “get” the partylite/jen thing like none of them can. You are a friend and a helper and a great listener of venting. I am so glad we reconnected after I'd quit partylite and that we are now friends. My life is richer for having you in it. Cable TV. For taking me to places I will probably never go and seeing things I will probably never see (although with my penchant for CSI I probably don't actually WANT to see most of those things ... but regardless) and learning so many things about the world and, occasionally, about myself. Also for giving me a distraction and release from everyday life. Two good jobs that I enjoy and am good at with people I can tolerate quite well and sometimes even like! I especially am thankful for curves because I have met so many wonderful women there and have built some new, great friendships. Plus I get a free membership!! Which I totally need. Health Insurance. I finally got regular health insurance this month. What a relief that is!! I can finally get into a chiropractor to get my back straightened out again so i can stop having headaches all the time. And if I get bronchitis again this winter I could consider going in to the doctor without paying $120 for them to do nothing. ;) My Little People. This is what i call my friends kids. They're not technically my nieces or nephews and some families get very possessive of those titles, so I call them My Little People. Maggie May, Emma, Abi, Mary Grace, Ruthie, Ellie, David, Danny, Adoniah, Talon, Autumn ... You keep me young, get me my baby fix and give me some of the bestest hugs EVER. Thank you parents for allowing me a place in their lives and trusting me to babysit at times. They keep us all hopful. Ok, although I'm sure there is much more I could add ... I just looked at the clock and realized I gotta get going!!! So, what're YOU thankful for??? 20 November Perspective is a bitchMy mom's best friend is probably dying. She has been battling cancer for at least a year and has hit the last ditch efforts. Hospice was called last week. Most recently she has become too weak to even talk on the phone. I felt compelled to stop in to visit her, talk to her, and pray with her while I still have those opportunities. I decided this weekend to try going tonight. I e-mailed my nearest and dearest to ask for prayer and accountability. You may not realize this, but I am a coward when it comes to anything like this at all, so I needed the prayer. This afternoon I started thinking that maybe I should call first to see what kind of day Melody was having. By the time I finally left work at 5 I barely made it the two minutes to the post office before I had started crying. I realized that I wasn't going to be able to talk coherently if I did try to call, plus, if they said it was a bad time I'd give it up and end up not ever going. Instead, I drove straight to her house and as always, God's timing was perfect. Minimal number of people at the house, although there is a vigil sort of thing going on with family coming and going plenty. I stood in the doorway looking at her watching the news for a few minutes because, well, what do you say in that moment. Then I look over at the TV and there is a commercial for skin cream on ... and all I can think is that all the skin creams in the world are not going to make Melody live any longer. And the perspective in that hits me like a ton of bricks. It was so ridiculous I almost wanted to laugh. I thought of it again when I pulled into my parking space here at home. I have this eye cream I put on when the circles under my eyes bug me and I thought “having perfect eyes is not going to help me live any longer, it's not going to add a moment to my life, nor will it honestly add any level of richness to my life.” After a few minutes of petting the dog, chatting a bit and looking around, I went and knelt next to her chair. Somehow we ended up hugging and all I could say was “I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry.” She's not Mother Theresa and I don't think she'd argue with that, but she's a great lady who has been the most amazing friend to my mom and has had to put up with a lot of crap in her life. Now, she may not get to see her grandchildren even start school. We talked a minute and I reiterated again that if there is anything I can do, to just let me know. I even explicitly said that I realize there are things that may be hard to ask of your family and to just let me know. She said all we could do was pray and I asked if I could pray with her right then and she said yes. So, we held hands and I prayed for comfort and peace and for healing for a Thanksgiving that can become a true celebration. There wasn't an immediate holy fire raining down sorta miracle, but God can. We hugged again and I hugged her mom and told her that if there was anything I could do to let me know. She said she would. And I left. I made it home and hit the floor in prayer and crying. Then I went numb. That's the only way to describe it. I sat around a bit, gave a friend a video tape, went to walmart to get groceries, came home, watched my tv shows, did dishes and went to bed. All the while not feeling much of anything. Then I turned out the lights and suddenly I catch myself picturing the funeral and asking my boss for a half day off work and I'm crying again. It's 12 am and I can't sleep. So, I started composing a blog entry in my head and then realized quickly that I wasn't going to get to sleep anyway and that there are some things that need to be said yet again. Nothing new, nothing particularly profound, just the same ol' reminders that we all pretend we heard but don't really need.
TELL your loved ones how much they mean to you. What if today is the day that the car ahead of them crosses the center line and you don't ever have that opportunity again?
HUG YOUR CHILDREN every chance you get. Love them and Hug them and tickle them and make sure that they know how very very much you love them no matter what. Because what if today is the day that the car ahead of you crosses the center line and that was the last hug you got to give them?
DO NOT EVER SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. Although I would disagree that it is all small stuff, the vast majority of what we spend our time, energy and worry on is small stuff. My boss at work today said something to me about not having done something right. Tonight, while I was crying I was thinking about it and about how annoyed and frustrated I got and I realized, I couldn't even remember what it was!! I did eventually remember, but that only emphasized the point that it was definitely small stuff. Because what if today is the day that the car ahead of me crosses the center line and this was my last day on earth? Did I really want to spend it upset and stewing about THAT? Definitely not.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ... So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.”
Melody doesn't care much what clothes she wears now. And, mostly she just hopes she can eat something. Her life, I am sure, is infinitely more important to her than the name on the tag of her shirt. I titled this "perspective is a bitch" because it seems to always take something this tragic and difficult for us to realize how ridiculous most of our daily garbage truly is. So, please, take this lesson to heart before this difficult lesson hits closer to home than you'd prefer. Don't just get through today, thrive, suck the marrow out of every second you're given, consider those that have gone before or around you that would give so much to have one more day. Consider also those around you that aren't able to simply go for a walk ... or even get themselves out of bed. Live gratefully and gracefully.
It is 1 am and I refuse to edit, so you get it the way I wrote it. I realize it rambles and there probably aren't enough paragraphs, but, please, hear the message and ignore the rest. Maybe I can finally sleep now. 19 November the DemotivatorFound this on facebook today. Cracked me up ... had to share!!!
 And, my new personal favorite ...
 17 November Theme SongFrom time to time I hear a song that makes me think "I want THAT to be my personal theme song." Generally not because the entire song applies, but because a few lines or even most of it seem pertinent at the time. Last night on my way home I heard this song and thought "That describes me surprisingly accurately." You can listen to it below if you'd like. Enjoy!
She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes She can ruin your faith with her casual lies And she only reveals what she wants you to see She hides like a child, But she's always a woman to me She can lead you to love She can take you or leave you She can ask for the truth But she'll never believe And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free Yeah, she steals like a thief But she's always a woman to me CHORUS: Oh--she takes care of herself She can wait if she wants She's ahead of her time Oh--and she never gives out And she never gives in She just changes her mind And she'll promise you more Than the Garden of Eden Then she'll carelessly cut you And laugh while you're bleedin' But she'll bring out the best And the worst you can be Blame it all on yourself Cause she's always a woman to me --Mhmm-- CHORUS: Oh--she takes care of herself She can wait if she wants She's ahead of her time Oh--and she never gives out And she never gives in She just changes her mind She is frequently kind And she's suddenly cruel She can do as she pleases She's nobody's fool And she can't be convicted She's earned her degree And the most she will do Is throw shadows at you But she's always a woman to me --Mhmm-- And, if you'd like to hear the song ...
Here it is ... combined with one of my favorite things ... LOST
04 November Hair Dilemma ... question ... advice requestedI have very curly hair *see photos below. Most people assume it is a perm ... it is not. Fully, absolutely 100% au natural. I am quite proud of my hair. I read a book called Curly Girl which suggested an "alternative" way to care for curly hair. I adjusted that alternative to my personal opinions and voila ... even more lovely hair.
The problem is style. I have little of it. Primarily because I can't grow it very long or it gets too heavy and the curl pulls out straight at my scalp and only the ends are curly. This is not a particularly attractive look. So, I have to keep it shoulder length or less. I've gone less and as an overweight girl who carries some weight in her jawline/chin, this is not particularly attractive either. The additional dilemma is that I am way too cheap to pay $20 every 8 weeks to get it "reshaped." I realize that $20 for a good haircut is a STEAL of epic proportions, but that is simply a testament to the extreme level of my personal cheapness.
I have been considering another option. BUT I am VERY NERVOUS about trying this.
I have a lot of really tight curls right around my face. If I don't clip them back or anything, they just hang there. So, my pondering has been to get out the scissors and just clip one or two up shorter. Maybe once or twice a week. Sorta like bangs, only fully cooperating with what my hair is ALREADY doing. Unlike most of the bangs I have tried in the past which involved a blow dryer, a curling iron, hairspray and lots of aggravation. So, do I take this risk and try to clip my curls just a little bit one or two at a time to see what they do and if I can essentially "shape" the front of my hair myself ... thus saving me at LEAST every other haircut if not two out of three???
I JUST DON'T KNOW. INTERNET! I NEED YOUR THOUGHTS AND ADVICE!!!
03 November Something about a good bookThere is something about a good book. Rather, about getting near enough to the end of a good book that you know it is going to end just the way you want it to. There is something about that particular anticipation, where you are simply reading to see the intricacies and weaving at the very end.
We all want that satisfaction and anticipation in the situations of life. We want to know that everything will work out romantically with that person we have our eye on. We want to be able to sit back and watch the intricacies of the conversations and enjoy the weaving of two hearts. But, we want to do it without any of the risk or pain that real love requires to grow.
We want to be assured that our children are going to grow up to be happy, healthy, God-fearing, contributing citizens. We want to relax and sleep easily again. We wish we could just enjoy the outbursts and tantrums and even appreciate our own bad days. We wish there were magic words to heal the wounds this world will inflict; that we will inflict. We want to sit back and enjoy watching them grow. without the discipline, punishments or "I HATE YOU"s that we need to really appreciate the depth of our love.
We want to choose when & how we lose our parents. We want nothing to do with "cut down in the prime of life," Alzheimer's or cancer. We want them to celebrate as many milestones as they can reasonably enjoy and then peacefully fall asleep after having said goodbye to everyone. We want the control that eludes us as a general rule. We don't want to consider the possibility that they won't be there for the next momentus occasion. We don't want to bear our hearts or show our cards for fear it won't be reciprocated. But those are some of the sweetest and most poignant times we get.
We want guarantees that the job change will be everything and more for us. We want the knowledge that the house is going to be right for the next 30 years. We want promises that this church and/or small group will meet all of our needs. We long for the assurance that any and every daily choice is the right, best and least painful path we could be on.
But we refuse so much of the flower scent of life. You have to stop in the breeze to smell the flowers you can't see. You have to take a chance on an unseen thorn to smell the rose. The most true and sweet things of life are truet and sweeter because of the risk and pain involved. The victory is so much more worth celebrating when there has been an actual battle fought!
Ecclesiastes says over and over that much of life is smoke, meaningless and spitting into the wind. When w get caught up in trying to control, to be perfect, to be properwe are focusing on smoke. We are missing the real marrow of living a life worth living. But it seems so much easier to risk losing a little friendship now rather than seem out of control for a moment. It seems easier to sacrifice a little joy for some dignity. But that is smoke! Most of us have never spit into the wind. If we have, it has only been once. We learned that lesson. Somehow the same lesson never quite gets learned in real life. We just keep spitting into the wind and missing the real life we have. We get blinded in seeing only the lives others have. Today, clear away the smoke, ask for clarity and, possibly for the first time ever, see your life as it truly is. |
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