I watched a Hallmark Movie tonight. Well most of it anyway. It was called Head of the Class about a guy with Tourette's Syndrome who learns to live and thrive with it and decides to become and succeeds at becoming a teacher. At the end of the movie he has been given the Sally Mae award for Outstanding First Year Teacher. And he is giving his speech and says “Do you know what I learned from all this?” And he has students in the audience and they raise their hands to answer his questions. They say he learned to not let it get him down, to never give up, and that you really can achieve your dreams (or some basic variation on those). And I stood in my bedroom putting away laundry and I heard that and all I could think was ...

“I am failing MISERABLY if that is the case!”

There are so many things I would like to do, so many wishes I have, so many dreams unfulfilled. I am encouraged and inspired by this movie, it tugs at my heartstrings. But, ultimately, I know that tomorrow I will continue life as usual. I will do nothing amazing nor fantastic nor even the least bit out of the ordinary. I'm not certain exactly why. I do know that I don't like change. In my soul, in my heart, in my psyche change has never been a particularly good thing. So, I tend to avoid it whenever possible. I have a good job that pays my bills (if just barely) and allows me to live in my own apartment, it provides me a daily routine and structure, and it gives me health insurance—which I'm not using because I can't afford the deductible or copays, but it's nice to know it's there. I've even thought about going back to school to change careers into something that will pay better. Working as a Receptionist who happens to have a Social Work degree doesn't pay nearly what the degree should dictate. But it was a safe choice. There was minimal risk and more challenge along with more hours and more pay.

I have dreamt. I used to dream about turning the old run down theater in our downtown in a Dollar Theater. I have dreamt about buying into a Curves for Women franchise. I have considered being a missionary to another country, and discounted that because of the whole I-don't-like-change thing. I have thought about ways to volunteer with nursing homes in the area. I have thought about ways to volunteer at the job center and help women get the skills they nedd to job search better and get better jobs. I have investigated going to school for Web Design. I have considered returning to college for an IT based degree. I have momentarily considered getting my Masters in Education so I could become a teacher and get my summers off. I have also considered getting my Masters in Counseling so I could simply make more money doing what I had always wanted to do anyway.  I have attempted, in a variety of ways, to pursue writing as some sort of career. I have pondered going on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship as a Staff Worker for a local campus to help college students learn what it means to navigate life as a Christian. One of the dreams I keep coming back around to, no matter where else my wandering mind goes, is to speak and teach to groups. To share the insights and wisdom I've gained in my years with Jesus and to help a few people breathe easier. I have a quote from someone up in the other room (It's late and I'm too lazy to go look at who it was, but if you google it I am CERTAIN it will come up immediately) It says, in part, 'to know that one soul has breathed easier .... that is to have succeeded.' Frost maybe? I have even considered getting into politics to try being a voice of reason in this psychotic, schizophrenic, bipolar system that we have. (Yes, I intended to say bipolar and not bipartisan). The other dream I come around to constantly, is the dream of being married and having some kids. But, somehow, I feel like to have one means I can't have the other. And I end up in this state of suspended animation. Almost like I'm waiting for one or the other to take place so I can proceed accordingly. Logically I realize I can TOTALLY have both, but some incredibly traditional part of me thinks it won't happen that way.

And I am no farther ahead now than I was when I started writing. I usually start writing and have interesting ideas or grand revelations or even full blown epiphanies.  Not tonight.  I have tons of hopes, and tons of dreams, and billions of wishes and 'what I wouldn't give to have...”s. I even set goals every January, and make plans, and buy organizers and calendars, and read inspiring books. But nothing breaks through my fear and laziness.

((sigh))

I guess I just wanted to share with the world that I am an Epic Fail, or as Lolcats would say 'ur doin it wrong' , at fulfilling my dreams and hopes and goals and wishes.

Anybody got a great man to set me up with for Christmas? That could be just the ticket!