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I have been depressed. At least a week to a week and a half, possibly closer to a month. Only became aware of it in a way that concerned me in the last week or so. I struggle with depression and I have for years. It comes and goes. I'm sure in the eternal scheme of things there is some sort of 'logical' cycle in it, but none that i've been able to figure out.

Admitted this particular bout for the first time to myself late Friday night and to a friend on Saturday. Made an agreement with God last night about skipping church this morning and when I woke up, completely reneged on that agreement. So, likely my church friends realize I'm at least struggling, how bad it is compared to other bouts they probably don't know, but only because I haven't been around for them to talk to or see it. Then again, this may all cycle around my relationship with God. I have a surprisingly intimate and deep relationship with God. A lot of the time I'm fighting with him  (it's our thing, he hasn't struck me down yet, you don't get to either.) I have a tendency to non-confront things that upset me and then let them build up. And there is one major issue that has been non-confronted and building for a couple of months. But I'm an incredibly non-confrontational person so the idea of confronting the situation is almost ludicrous to me.

By the way, this bout isn't much worse than the last or the ones previous. About the same as what I generally expect when I realize what's happened. Generally, It creeps up on me very slowly. A bad afternoon at work that I try to 'fix' with retail therapy or an evening in front of the boob tube. A few nights short of sleep. Getting a cold and skipping the gym for a week, which turns into two weeks because of the lost momentum. Any number of unforeseeable circumstances conglomerate and suddenly one Saturday night I realize “I'm sad.”

But the thing about it is that I'm not always sad. It's not like I walk around with a sad emot  above my head for days on end and am oblivious to it. I can have a lot of good moments as I go along in a day. Joking with a coworker, meeting new friends, helping someone pack up a house. I can function reasonably well the vast majority of the time. And to add to that, the last few bouts have been less about being sad and more about being numb and utterly apathetic. It's not like I'm sad about my job or lack of spouse ... I get to a point where I truly and simply don't care. I don't have any strength of feeling in any direction. I don't feel ecstatic or even happy about my job but i'm not angry or sad about my apartment either. Some things get strong feelings once in awhile, but it's the deeper parts of my heart that are ... almost in a coma. Not dead, 'cause they always wake up, but primarily non-responsive and absent. For the record, I don't like feeling numb for so long. It's annoying, to be perfectly honest.

And I swear if one more person who has never experienced one iota of depression suggests “just do something” I am going to scream.  I realized a fabulous analogy a few weeks ago. A non-depression-struggleing person telling me to “just do something” is like me telling a pregnant woman that when it comes time to deliver the baby “just push” and it'll all work out fine. Ummmmm, no not so much. I'm not married, I don't have kids, I've never owned a home or bought a brand-new car. Therefore, I don't get to give advice on those topics, or a plethora of other topics. I can share the understanding I've gathered from other friends who have experienced those things, but it can only be as a sharing that is clearly gleaned from a 2^nd source. So, for all of you non-depression struggling persons, take the hint on this one, please?

Also, for the record, meds are not the only answer, nor is psychotherapy. I googled depression out of curiosity this afternoon to see if anything interesting came up and got the Glaxo Smith Kline website that first and foremost was incredibly less than useful AND treated it as if meds were the only choice. For the record ... chocolate can do psychosomatic wonders!

But, something happened at 6 tonight. I was pondering this post all afternoon and what I could say about walking through a whole week basically in an emotional coma. And at 6 I just decided I needed to get off the couch, clean the tub, get into the shower, make supper and start writing. I have no idea what exactly it was, but as I told my mom once about a flylady habit I had started “I'm going to ride this horse 'til it dies!” So, I'm writing and eating breakfast in clean pajamas with clean hair and pretty smelling skin about to go into my patio room and spend some time reading a non-fiction book I've been trying to get through for a couple years (I put it down for a LOOOOOONg time in the middle) and probably journal awhile before bed. Just wanted to share that I'm not ok right now and to be honest, that is ok. In case there is anyone else out there feeling similarly, they'll know they're not alone and they're still an ok human being.