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February 19 Incredibly blessedI started this post, literally, over a half hour ago. And sadly, now all the inspiration has left the building. I am too tired to be profound and too tired to be witty and too tired to really write very much worth reading. and now this computer is half frozen, mostly locked up and BEYOND annoying.
and this was going to be such a nice, encouraging sweet post. About God and all my great friends.
now I'm not so sure ...
I was going to write about how i truly have the GREATEST friends in the world. You could argue with me, but unless I, myself, am on YOUR list of friends, you would be wrong.
This afternoon I got to chat with a friend whose had some major life changes (new baby) in the last couple of months so I've given her the space she's needed to adjust. And I've missed her. But I got to chat with her tonight for awhile. Nothing major, nothing profound, nothing earth-shattering or traumatic or dramatic. Just a lovely catch-up chat. And I was blessed.
I was driving home lamenting my current state of singleness (this has become much too much the norm for me) and for some reason, it occurred to me how great my friends are. (thanks God) and how much they have walked through with me. And how much they have encouraged me and loved me and helped me become more fully the best 'me' I am capable of being.
I know I am blessed. I truly do. I look around and I can see that others lack what I have. I have had people actually tell me that they lack that and envy my abundance. So, I am well aware of my blessedness.
But, I get too easily and too often focused on my lack. And the only true lack I get focused on and upset about for any length of time is the lack of an individual person who is committed whoelly to a deep, intimate relationship with me for an indefinite period of time. A really schmancy way of saying
I DON'T WANNA BE SINGLE!!!
But I was able to get up in church a few weeks back and testify that although I don't wish this to be my state, I can see and feel that God himself is my shield and protector. That he has my very best interests in mind and my very best 'self' at heart. I know without a doubt that he has protected me from some iffy and dangerous and useless potential relationships by simply refusing me access to the men that would be a part of that type of relationship. (sincerely, not picking out people I've actually met and known, just a soul-deep knowing) On my sane days in my spirit-filled/led moments I understand and even agree with that. On my crazy days and carnal days and selfish days and weepy days, I just wish for someone to kiss. I haven't been kissed ... AT ALL ... in... (omg, I think I'm gonna cry when i figure out the exact year on this one) 7 years. Yep, here come the tears.
This, these tears that you can't see, this is the reason I don't do the math on that. I konw what it's like to be close to someone. Very close, for an extended period of time, and on some level I know what I lack. I can't know the fullness and depth that is possible because I didn't make it that far down that road ... but I have had a taste of it. Right or wrong is irrelevant because it's done and forgiven and dealt with But I can tell you unequivocally that if you haven't started down that road ... DON'T. until there are rings involved and vows and a ginormous celebration ... just don't. Songs (i believe) says a couple of times not to arouse or awaken love before it so desires. I can testify to the truth of that. I really don't think my struggle would be quite so difficult if I hadn't feigned artificial intimacy with someone already.
Regardless, again, it's done. And here I am, cryin in my nachos again, wishing for something that to be just brutally honest, may not even exist in this world for me. I know, a lot of you are saying "no, it's out there." "he'll find you." "it'll happen." blah blah blah. but unless you have walked this road with me, please don't toss handy pat answers at me. They aren't any more encouraging than a cheesy bumper sticker. It's easy for you to say that, you've been married 10+ years. It's easy for you to say that, you've had your kids. It's easy for you to say that, you're finding fresh depth and awareness and love for your partner. Or, if that doesn't apply, it's still easy for you to say that ecause you think I'm pretty great. Because, let's be honest, if you didn't you wouldn't be reading my blog now would you? But have you seen what's out there?? It's not pretty. It's not encouraging. It's not character-filled or integrity-ridden. It is shallow and selfish and self-serving. And, until you can set me up wtih a good man, who loves Jesus and is willing to consider a real commitment, then don't toss pat answers at me. Cause my experience is proving otherwise.
But my nearest and dearest. Your relationships bless me deeply. Your husbands bless me. Your kids bless me. The fact that you accept me as I am, sitting here, size 16/18, night owl staying up way too late, cryin in my nachos and not only accept me, but think I'm pretty dang great too ... well ... that blesses me well beyond ANY words that have ever been written on this earth. Neither of us will know this side of the gates the full impact of your presence and love in my life. Know that I am truly deeply incredibly blessed to call you friend. And that there are some inevitable life experiences that I may need your support to get through if there is no husband in my future. Know that I love you more than you could realize. And, that I do my darndest to be here for you in every way possible because I recognize the depth of blessing I enjoy from your friendship and I wish to return the favor as much as possible in as many ways as possible.
Thank you. For all that you are and all that you bring to my life.
Philippians 1:3 - I Thank my God in ALL my Rememberance of you. February 05 The Invisible (wo)manA friend told me a couple weeks ago to update my blog, so I finally am. I came over last week and changed the song, but hadn't had time to change the post yet. So, here I am. I thought about finding that picture that says "MY BOSS TOLD ME TO CHANGE THE STUPID SIGN, SO I DID." But I decided it would take too much time to find it.
Instead I will regale you with my deeply surreal 'Am I in a sci-fi movie? / twilight zone' moment tonight. I decided that I was going to go ahead and get a digital convertor box and antenna for my living room. I was hesitating because, honestly, I spend most of my TV-watching-time in my computer room multi-tasking. But then a couple weeks ago I was home sick and wishing I'd set up that TV.
Tonight I went to Radio Shack, on my mom's recommendation based on her sister's level of ecstasy with their box, to get a box and antenna. I thought I'd have to make choices and explain what I wanted and what other brand products I owned etc. Nope. But before I get to that part. Let me stop myself and tell you the important part. The part that warrants posting in a blog all by itself.
I walked in and walked up to the registers, because there is no need to browse, I know what I want and I know what I want to walk out with and i don't want to have to think terribly hard about it or pretend that I'm browsing to get someone's attention. I just need someone to tell me which box to get and which antenna etc.
A woman had walked in just ahead of me realizing she had a problem with a couple of cell phones she had, literally, just purchased. So, I wait a few feet from her, because I'm patient, and she's kinda frantic and I got time to spare for now. There are two guys helping her, neither of which acknowledge me with anything more than a spare glance. There is also an older, white-haired guy behind the counter within arms reach of me. I'm not entirely sure he could see me anyway because he was quite short, for a man, and there was a rather sizable computer monitor betwixt us. (Ya just never get to say betwixt) None of these men speak to me or look at me expectantly as if to help or even acknowledge me in any real 'salesman like' fashion AT ALL.
A fourth man comes out of hte back, a rather old man, carrying boxes. He walks up to another couple, asks if he can help them with anything, they say no. He walks past me, asks someone else behind me if he can help them, and when they say no, he returns to the back room of the store. Meanwhile the white-haired guy has come out from behind the desk only to walk to the other side of the store, still ignoring me!
The cell phone lady has been getting help from the two guys this whole time. She finally gets her stuff figured out and leaves. One of the two guys turns away and goes into the back room. The other guy? He starts punching stuff into the computer!!
I am not actually angry at this point, or ever for that matter. I am incredulous, utterly disbelieving. I've heard people say women are 'invisible' in tech stores like this and never believed it. I've also heard fat women/fat people are invisible to the general population in various situations. But you have Got to be kidding me! I am, literally, the only person standing in the store for at least 10 feet around me and I am standing still, in the middle of nowhere, not facing anything nor lookin at anything. And yet FOUR men are able to absolutely, completely ignore me. Hmmmm.
After standing there, alone, waiting, for at least a full minute and a half, possibly more, I raise my hands in that 'surrender' style gesture we all do and I say to the guy:
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but am I invisible or something??
I've been standing here for 5 minutes and
FOUR people have walked past me without acknowledging me in any way!"
He could not have BEEN more apologetic. Somehow, lord only knows how, he had the idea that someone was helping me. Now I don't know about you, but believing there are 5 people working at Radio Shack on a Thursday night is a bit far fetched for me. Because, clearly he and the buddy were workign with the cell phone lady. The old guy who came out from the back clearly never spoke to me. And the white haired guy, although the likeliest candidate, wandered off never to be seen from again. And, in fact, may have been helping SOMEONE ELSE when I did leave the store.
Seriously. never had that happen. Was utterly flabbergasted. I did, however, purchase my convertor and antenna there. Only because my aunt Carol thinks it is the greatest box ever. So, now I have tv reception in my living room. Where am I now? in the spare room. I am about to go watch a movie in the living room ... on my dvd player. not on the tv. But now I know it's available. And, more importantly, so does mom. Because, really, she is the reason I got it. She just can't seem to tolerate me not having tv shows available on that tv. It is unfathomable to her. ((shrug))
Now I have it, happiness abounds. |
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