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23 July So many thoughts swirlingI've been pondering varoius topics and interesting and amusing moments and stories to share with you. But I keep coming back to a new revelation. Much as I'd like to share the truly amusing ironies of my life, I feeling compelled to share from my heart.
I am finally feeling okay about being 30 and single. I was telling some friends of mine that I feel like i'm 'coming into my own.' It's such a cliche phrase, but it's true. I went for a walk tonight, for no particular reason, and thought 'I'm truly hitting my stride.' (I promise that's the end of the cliches) I am figuring out who I really am ... no, that's not quite accurate. I am becoming truly, at-my-core, comfortable with who I am and who I present to the world around me. I am a size 18 and I love my cupcakes and M&Ms (no those aren't euphemisms). I also love riding my bike and going for walks. And I love good, entertaining movies and TV shows and fully-allow-me-to-escape books. I love to cook, especially for friends. I also enjoy babysitting for some of them, well technically all of them, just sometimes I guess, since it allows me an outlet to bless them. I love being on the internet and most days I spend hating my job/coworkers. And those are just the things that come to mind off the top of my head.
I am realizing more fully and deeply that as much as I would prefer a different relationship status, I was also not ready for it for most of the past 6+ years. I'm not even certain that I'm ready for it now. In my head my expectations and hopes were built on the relationships around me. But in my heart many of my hopes are very childish, teeny-bopper and Harlequin/Hollywood. I mean hopes for what married life will look like ... how he'll treat me, how we'll interact etc. In my head I know it'll be hard and work, but in my heart I think we'll work through it quickly and easily and smoothly. Which should make me realize how ridiculous that is ... because, well, have I ever done anything the quick, easy and smooth way?? Not so much.
I am realizing in my heart and the seat of my self-confidence that I am an incredible person and would make an amazing wife and mother. I've had friends tell me things like this and accepted it in my head. But there is always this lingering doubt in my heart that I am in fact a 'reason' and not a 'season.' (there is this series of Christian novels about a girl in a Singles Group and how you can look around the gropu and divide them into the people single for a season and those single for a reason.) I have thought multiple times about asking my friends to tell me if I have a reason I'm unaware of. But I'm just not brave enough to handle their honest answers. I am coming to realize that regardless of their answers, and regardless of my potential status as a reason, that still doesn't mean God is incapable of bringing some wonderful amazing man into my life who will think I'm fabulous and enthralling and can't wait to start spending the rest of his life with me.
In the last year I have made 2 major decisions to simply improve my place in this world. Along with some other small decisions here and there, I am finding that stride. Until this point I never made any particular decisions simply to improve myself or my place in this world. For the first time in my life, a year ago, I decided the job i had (good as it was) didn't provide well enough for my needs (health insurance) and wants (apartment), so I looked elsewhere and moved on. I also moved out into my own fabulous little apartment. I have decorated it to my tastes with the things that I love and that bring me joy. I have entertained a few friends here and had a few sleepovers.
I still have my melancholy days and my 'i hate my singleness' moments. But the days like today are becoming more often and lasting longer. Days when I walk confidently, ride my bike tall, eat what I need only and enjoying it. Days when I smile at passers by and laugh at myself for it because a part of me is thinking ' maybe that's him' Maybe it'll be just like in Blue Smoke where the guy sees the girl from a distance multiple times over the course of a number of years and is in love with her at first sight and every sight thereafter. Now, I don't actually believe in love at first sight, but I would probably be a happy recipient if he took the time to convince me it was real and genuine. And I even have plenty of middle days where I think 'Even if I never get married, I will live out my days as happy and fulfilled as I can, I will fulfill God's every plan for my life and I will die happy and content surrounded by loved ones.'
Took me 4 months, but I am breathing easy. I remember going to this store with a friend at Mayfair Mall called Torrid. It is a Plus Size store full of trendy, cute clothes. I spent a long time in there and it took me a good 10-15 minutes to realize why I liked it so much. I thought to myself "I can breathe in here." It was the first store I'd ever been in where it did not occur to me at all what someone else was thinking or whether or not I could find something to fit me. I am about the same size now as I was then and on my walk today took a deep breath of cool night air and thought "I can breathe here." At this point in my life, I can breathe deeply and contentedly most of the time. There are still plenty of things ... plenty of things that make me crazy and crank my blood pressure, but they are being outweighed (no pun intended) by the good times and the people who love me just as I am (starts around 2:00).
So, goodnight dear cyberfriends. I pray you can breathe deeply of the Goodness God has given you and yours and that you can walk confidently in your own skin, just as it is right now. 09 July There is always a choiceWe have had some changes off and on at work since December. In April we closed an office in the next town and assimilated their furniture into our reception area. At the time we donated all our current reception furniture (think cubicle walls etc) to the local Salvation Army chapter. Also at that time a previous owner fully and officially retired. So, a couple weeks ago he finally got his office cleaned out. Well, not cleaned out exactly, he went through and took all the stuff he wanted to keep and left the rest for us to take care of. Which is fine, he put in 30 years building the busines ... he can leave us with a small mess. He also left us with a rather large solid wood desk and a wooden topped table. The boss told me to see if someone wanted to take it off our hands. She knows I'm 'green' and can't stand things like that to go to a dump when there are easily 15 charities in town that might like to have it. So, I called the Salvation Army again and they didn't even hesitate. "We're interested, we'll take them, we'll be there right away .... possibly today" (which was, technically, yesterday). Today they came. They bring some sort of 'county guys' in matching jump suits. I don't think they're technically in jail or rehab, but they're in some kind of program because THEY'RE WEARING MATCHING JUMP SUITS!! The first batch were decent enough guys and the two guys today seemed decent enough. But being the person 'in charge' of this creates a dilemma.
Do I hover in their vicinity while they're figuring out how to get this freaking monstrosity of a desk out of this office through a standard-sized door so that I can be helpful and useful if they have questions or need tools or something?
In thus doing, I run the risk of looking like I am trying ot make sure they don't steal the phone plugged into the wall or the paperclips on the floor.
OR
Do I leave them to their work and go back to my own copius amounts of work?
Thus running the risk of seeming like i can't deign to spend time in the company of men of questionable ilk .... or that they have the plague and I could be infected if I get too close ... or some other equally ridiculous excuse that people typically give.
So, what's a girl to do?
A little bit o' both. I hovered a bit at the beginning and worked for a bit and then held the door for them while they carried the monstrosity out our back steps. I tried to smile like they were average, normal human beings and one of them cracked a joke that actually made me laugh ... so I laughed. But I thought, hmmm, what's a girl to do? do other people have dilemma's like this? I think no. Considering my coworkers mostly agreed that I should 'keep an eye on them' to make sure 'the only thing they take is that desk.' I mean seriously, the only other things IN that room was a random wooden chunk of paneling, 6 chairs, a dismantled table, a bookshelf and a phone and accompanying cord. And the few random paperclips that they could probably have if they really were that klepto. Guess it's just me and my bleeding heart getting in the way of getting my own dang job done. 04 July Highlights from the Fourth
Ya just can't beat a fourth like that. Although the next 2 days of sleeping in and relaxation are definitely going to give it a run for its money. |
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