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30 August dismayedHeard something tonight. Am now dismayed. Thus blogging at 130 am when i ought to bed in bed, but i can't sleep.
My sister has this great boyfriend. I would use a stronger adjective, but it would sound disingenuous. Mentioned to the family tonight that the nice boy on the internet finally emailed me back and that I was relieved. my sister says 'yeah, (bf)'s really nervous/scared (something to that effect) about that. he doesn't think that is the way for you to meet someone.' my response was essentially 'well, tell him to step on up then and help me out!' we laughed and joked a bit about it. I was fine. Until I got home and things got quiet and I had time to re-run the conversation in my head.
Now, it makes me sad. (maybe I can finally cry, since I feel like i've needed one for a couple of days) Honestly, it does. Because all I can think is 'How'm I supposed to meet someone???" The BF is a bigger guy and my sister is curvy too and they met in a bar (i think) through mutual friends. But they don't do the church thing. But, they are clearly so incredibly happy together.
So, how am I supposed to meet someone? hmm? Internet, you have any ideas? Honestly, I'm asking for your opinions here. I don't even know how many regular readers I have that could even try to comment.
Where am I supposed to find a man mesmerized by the blue of my eyes and not my lack of defined jaw?
someone who loves my almost-black very curly hair with it's gray coming in?
someone who won't see my size 18 arse and disregard me immediately?
someone who does truly believe that the depth of someone's character isn't defined by their outward appearance?
someone who takes the time to appreciate the loyalty and depth to which i love those i chose to love.
someone who chooses to love me back with that same level of loyalty and depth.
someone who actually appreciates that this size 18 arse sways quite nicely in the right pair of heels.
someone who can comprehend that this body, with all it's extra curves, will happily participate (if you get my drift)!
someone who makes me laugh.
someone who opens doors for me and carries my groceries into the house.
someone who loves jesus with the same intensity and intimacy that I do.
someone who wants to have a couple of babies and pour every ounce of goodness and love and devotion we share into their little hearts as soon and often as possible.
someone who appreciates that i cry easily.
someone that I spend time with and can finally say 'I can't imagine having to live the rest of my life without him.' instead of what I spent most of my previous relationships telling myself, 'I can put up with that for 50 years. That's not so bad.'
I want more. More than the standard. More than the average. More than typical. More than mediocre. More.
So, tell me dear friends, where might I find such a man? 28 August possibly naive, i realize thisLet me start out by saying that yes, I may be naive. I may be overly simplistic. I may be unaware of the 'reality' of politics. But I have to get a few things off my chest. A few things that have been bugging me for months, and one that has been bugging me for YEARS. Let me start with explaining that I am not a staunch anything. I look at the issues and mostly this website here to figure out where they really stand based on their comments and voting history. So, here we go.
I am listening to Obama speak and a few things have struck me. Clearly he is charismatic and engaging. Just as clearly the people are going to cheer for him because they have chosen to be at the convention to see him. You're not going to get many pro-mccain/anti-obama people. So, showing the crowd being whipped into a frenzy over and over, only holds so much effect for me.
It is also incredibly easy to oversimplify your 'solutions' to the problems of our country and say that you know how you're going to pay for it. It's another thing entirely to do so.
I guess this is where my naivete may come in. I guess I just don't believe that a single person, no matter what his position, truly has that much power. At one point there was a smear e-mail going around about Obama that said he was going to 'ruin our country.' And I guess I just don't believe that he alone can manage to do that. He has to not only get a whole cabinet on board with him ... he doesn't actually write legislation (lori, am I wrong here? sincerely am not sure). He has to get along well enough with enough of the people elected into congress, which are people on both sides of this partisan line, to get a bill written and through so he can approve it. He can make a lot of changes, and a lot of enormous and powerful changes. But I do not think he alone can 'ruin' this country.
He has mentioned the flood waters twice ... he said the current administration 'sat on their hands while a city drowned.' Really?? What has ANYONE done for Iowa?? Or Lake Delton, WI?? What has anyone done for the tornadoes that go through the middle of this country every single year. And what has anyone done for the hurricane damage also done every single year. I agree that there were multiple layers of failure after Katrina. And I agree that there is still, to this day, much to be done to try correcting the initial damage as well as the resulting damage. But I don't hear anyone asking what still needs to be done in Iowa.
Now to the thing that has bothered me for years. yes, YEARS. Since about 1997 probably. Econ 101, sophomore year of college. One of the 3 things I recall from that class (right next to K being the multiplier, and don't ask me what that even means either) One of the things that professor told us was this. Any and all economic 'changes' take approximately 10 years to truly take effect. And if you do this math on it, Reagan's trickle down plan actually worked. If you add this math to the last 8 years, .... Dubya has little to do with our current recession. And if you take that another 8 years back, Clinton was able to reap someone else's harvest. So, to apply this particular math forward .... if Obama gets elected, he's going to do the same as Clinton and reap someone else's harvest. All my point is, is this, all this talk of economy and 'fixing' it irritates me. That's it. It just irritates me.
To be honest the whole political process irritates me. We can only make the most reasonable decision for us at this time and HOPE ... I MEAN HOPE AGAINST HOPE that this candidate might actually follow-through on half the promises he made. This is why I refuse to spend much time talking about it or reading about it or watching it or thinking about it, much less worrying about it.
As you may have seen from other posts here, I am a Christian. And what that means for me is that I rely solely on God for my provision and sustenance. I pray about the candidates and the issues. Typically I don't put much stock in what they say is their religion or belief system, because those are just words and I can't get close enough to them to judge the fruit of their lives. I check that website and other basic areas that tell me facts and not propaganda. And I make my choice. I cast my vote. I make my voice heard. And then I pray hard ... I pray that GOD would put the right candidate in that position to take this country where HE wishes us to go. I believe absolutely in God's sovreignty and ability to guide and lead this country regardless of our votes. I just think if Jesus could multiply some fish and bread in baskets ... I'm pretty sure God can multiply votes as necessary to have HIS way.
But all of the hype and arguing and fighting about it are useless. Believe it or not I'm also saddened by the amount of artificial and temporary excitement generated in all the stadiums that will be used by the time this is done. Same for major league sports in this country. We are sooo up in arms about what Brett Favre has decided to do, but noone cares how many kids went hungry today. We are so upset by what Obama had to say tonight, but we don't care that social workers are one of the single most understaffed and overworked careers in this country. We grumble and complain aout how much money Lindsay got for her last movie, but we don't want to think about or fight for the teachers who have to use parts of their salary to provide for their classrooms. I just think this becomes one of those situations where our priorities are a bit skewed. That's all I'm sayin' is all. 02 August Coming into my ownI am starting to feel like a broken record ... and what's worse I am starting to fear that I'm jinxing myself and a horrible downward spiral is just around the corner. But I guess that is also part of my new perspective, I'm actually NOT going to borrow trouble from tomorrow and I'll deal with the spiral if it happens once I get there. Meanwhile, I'm deeply amused by myself right now. I am babysitting for a friend, rather I was babysitting and now we're just hanging out. But it's just me and her 15 month old kid and I rode my bike over to her house so it's not like there was anyone to impress. Plus I have been pulling most of my hair up into a ponytail to keep it off my neck and keep myself a bit cooler lately. So it had been in a ponytail all night last night and all morning, so I didn't feel like re-doing the ponytail to come over here. So, 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave I text messaged my friend and asked "Is it okay for 30 year olds to do pigtails?" To which she replied, because she looooves me, 'Of Course!" So ... I rode over here, on my bicycle, with my yellow backpack and pigtails just laughing at myself. For two major reasons. 1) I think I probably look like a 19 year old, which is TOTALLY fine with me. and 2) Even if I do look ridiculous as a 30-year-old in pigtails and riding a bike, for the first time in a very long time, I DON'T CARE.I know it's totally cliche and it's not even hardly the right phrase, but I really am 'coming into my own.' I'm finding my groove. That's a MUCH better phrase. I've been comfortable in my skin for a long time now, but now I'm getting comfortable in my life ... in my heart I guess. And that is bringing this great feeling of freedom and euphoria and confidence. I went for a walk with my friend's son today and with minimal makeup and a baggy-ish outfit on I even smiled at a few people on the bike trail and laughed at myself. I'm even talking to a new guy on the internet. Granted we are getting to the 6 message limit where the guys in the past have disappeared AND I have a computer virus, but he seems REALLY nice and he makes me laugh ... HARD. But, I've been considering my dreams and passions and goals lately. A truly evil part of me is saying that it's too late to restart anything, but the much more rational, optimistic and dreamy part of me points out 'I'M ONLY 30!!!!' In considering those goals/passions I got to wondering, is it even fair to be considering pursuing anything right now? Since my goals would give me an ENTIRELY different life than what I have AND lead me to a totally different place, possibly geographically, than where I'm at right now. Is it even fair to start something now that may not even work in 6 months, a year or two years? But one friend did point out that it's not like I'd spring this on him later. If I'm going to pursue these goals/dreams soon, it'll come up in conversation. And another friend pointed out that she noticed I'd put too many things on hold while I waited for a guy. In my head I knew that was wrong and I knew I was putting some stuff on hold but I hadn't actually put it all together, nor had I considered doing anything about it. Anyway, I really appreciate good friends who will be honest with me and share whatever is on their hearts. And I really appreciate real, honest, funny guys who aren't put off by the size of my jeans. And I really appreciate where I am in life. I have a good job, where I just got a raise, and potential for some serious income in the direct sales business I started. I have a new apartment to move into in a couple of weeks and PLENTY of friends to help me move. I have parents who STILL spoil me rotten. And enough food to keep me in plus sizes. I am really loving my 30s so far. Granted I'm not even 6 months in, but I think it'll just keep getting better. |
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