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07 September My BalconyFor anyone who may have only recently tuned in. Until about a month ago I lived with my parents. In their basement. For five years. There are a number of circumstances that were in effect in my life that dictated that choice was a good one for the time being. But, I was definitely ready to go once the time and opportunity came together. I had more space than many, so don't take this as complaining. I had their entire basement ... except for one small walled off corner that was the laundry room and various storage for my mom. I had a bedroom area, an office area, a dressing area and a living room. What I didn't have much of was fresh air and outside time. I didn't answer to them per se, but I always did feel a level of ... responsibility I guess. To honor them and their lives and their home. My closest friends can attest to how much and how often I resisted this, but, ultimately there were certain lines I didn't want to cross. Like ... sitting in the back yard reading by book light until the wee hours of the morning. I didn't want my mom to worry about me coming in or fall asleep and then worry because she couldn't remember hearing me come in. It was simply something I didn't do. There are a variety of other examples, but suffice it to say that everyone knew it was their house.
When that time and opportunity for moving out came together, I started a list. As I always do, taking completely 100% after my mother. I listed the things I needed and then the things I desired in a 'home' of my own. I know that wherever I am, I am the one who makes it a home. That list was: I need one bedroom but two would be great. I need a shower, but an extra-deep soaking tub would be amazing. I need a kitchen sink, but one with a garbage disposal would be preferred. I need somewhere to park my car, a garage would make me dance a happy dance. I need somewhere to put my TV and I'll probably get cable, but getting satellite would be the icing on that cake by far. Other preferences ... Could I please have a dishwasher? What kind of air conditioning is available? Is the heat included in the rent by chance?? (for anyone NOT living in the midwest, this is a HUGE deal if you can get it) Lastly, and to the point of this particular entry ... Does it have a patio or balcony or any sort of outside area? Although I mention it last here, this was actually incredibly important to me. I actually hesitated to look at a place if there was no outside area where I could sit and simply be.
It may not seem to follow, but just read along for a minute. If you know anything about the five love languages, mine is physical touch. Added to that I have an incredibly deep and devout relationship with God. Generally, I describe it as incredibly intimate*, but usually that implies something in our world that I do not intend. Through only the fault of my own choices I didn't feel particularly fulfilled on either of those aspects of my life. So, when you combine that physical touch to the God relationship, it can be very difficult for me to "feel" loved by Him ... since He can't technically touch me directly Himself. After 11 years, He and I have figured a few things out. A soft breeze is like a caress. A gusty wind is like a big hug. Raindrops are like kisses. etc. When i can feel the touch of nature, I can feel closer to God. I simply didn't have that while living primarily out of a basement. Through no fault but my own.
But now, I have a Balcony! My own space, where I can sit and breathe the night air, listen to the crickets and night noises. I could listen to the day noises, but so far I'm mostly working or running during the day. Tonight I plugged in my little radio and a lamp and I turned the radio on to a local easy listening station and made sure the lamp shone out towards the balcony and I sat on my balcony in the chair my mother left here with my feet on a plastic crate for a footrest and I read my book. In peace and solitude and serenity for over an hour ... possibly two. I completely lost track. It was glorious.
I have already spent at least two evenings out there praying through different things going on in my life. Every time it is this incredible blessing to me and it makes my heart swell with gratitude. I struggle with depression and had hit a low point tonight. Although I'm not bouncing off the walls happy, I'm very near content. I have a beautiful apartment that will not ony bless me but, hopefully, many of my friends and even family. I have two bedrooms, one room that can actually be dedicated to sleeping and resting and one that can be dedicated to reading and chillin' and whatever else I would like to do. I have a large living room that can accommodate a number of people and a very large kitchen that can also do the same. I have a plant that is growing like crazy inspite of two people thinking it was dead or hibernating within the last 6 weeks. And, I have a fish that loves me that "talks" to me and misses me when I'm gone, and was given to me by a dear friend because she didn't want me to ever be lonely in my apartment.
In my saner moments of struggling with depression I realize a large portion of my personal problem is that I am very very ungrateful for what I have. But no matter how many times I remind myself that thousands of people died in Africa tonight or that thousands of families are sharing a single mat on the floor for a bed under a tin roof surrounded by cardboard in South America tonight; I remain ungrateful. So, tonight, I'm going to try basking in some thankfulness. I'm going to try to not only appreciate the things of my life but the people. I mentioned you before, I won't embarass you again. You know if you are near or dear to me. I am sincerely and truly grateful that not only do you put up with me, but that you even seem to enjoy my company, wit, charms and point of view. I can only pray that God heap a double blessing onto you for everything you have given me.
YAY FOR MY BALCONY!
06 September My prayer for youI heard this song tonight on my launchcast radio that came with my yahoo messenger and realized that this is very true of me ... and that i pray it is true for you. I pray other things for those close to me and any number of strangers I know, but this, especially, is what is in my heart.
Brad Paisley - When I Get Where I'm Going
(feat. Dolly Parton) When I get where I'm going On the far side of the sky The first thing that I'm gonna do Is spread my wings and fly I'm gonna land beside a lion And run my fingers through his mane Or I might find out what it's like To ride a drop of rain Yeah when I get where I'm going There'll be only happy tears I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these years And I'll leave my heart wide open I will love and have no fear Yeah when I get where I'm going Don't cry for me down here I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy And he'll match me step for step And I'll tell him how I missed him Every minute since he left Then I'll hug his neck Yeah when I get where I'm going There'll be only happy tears I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these years And I'll leave my heart wide open I will love and have no fear Yeah when I get where I'm going Don't cry for me down here So much pain and so much darkness In this world we stumble through All these questions I can't answer So much work to do But when I get where I'm going And I see my maker's face I'll stand forever in the light Of his amazing grace Yeah when I get where I'm going There'll be only happy tears I will love and have no fear When I get where I'm going Yeah when I get where I'm going Hallelujah
You can watch the Youtube video here. 01 September I Love ListsAs requested by my friend, Lori, here, this is my list of things I love ... for right now anyway ... next week it may change ... if you remind me to do it again. :D
And yours are??? |
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