I love to read political suspense novels.  David Baldacci especially.  Somtimes I read them and ponder the behind-the-scenes workings of our domestic political stage as well as the global political stage and I am compelled to wonder at all the wheeling and dealing that is being done right now for the future of our country and our world.  Often I wonder if I could work inside that realm.  Wheeling and dealing and building agreements and treatises and truces and helping get the 'right' people into whatever office interests me.  I am certain I couldn't handle the constant tension and stress of being an actual spy of any sort, however, I do wonder if I could be a peacekeeper of some sort.  Will I ever pursue that in any way other than to post here and on facebook?  probably not.

 

One of my favorite movies is a favorite because when one of the main characters finally gets her stuff together and truly pursues her dreams she ends up working for Amnesty International.  I have looked for jobs on the UN website and various other global aid organizations as well as NPOs.  I even printed off an application or two.  Will I ever fill one out and make a tangible impact on the state of humanity on this planet?  probably not.

 

My mom informed me last night that I need to quit my job.  That suddenly and that randomly.  Made me stop dead in the middle of the living room and stare at her because I was certain I had heard her wrong or she hadn't finished her thought yet.  She followed it up by telling me I need to be in the computer field somehow.  She had a problem with something she's working on for her work and "knew" I could solve it for her.  When I didn't have an immediate answer she thought maybe she'd finally stumped me.  However, I googled the problem and got her an answer and impressed her immensely yet again.  She asked if I had ever thought about going back to school.  Yes, I have.  I've even printed off brochures.  And asked good friends who work in computers what their suggestions would be for what specificity to pursue.  Will I ever put money down to pursue that idea?  probably not.

 

I have dreamt, at length, about marrying a very rich singer or actor.  A few reasons.  I would be a very good celebrity girlfriend/wife.  If you're a jerk, I'm not going to stick around just 'cause you're rich.  I'll still bolt ... after I get a car and maybe some jewelry.  Also, I'm not all about the spotlight, but I'm not opposed to it either.  I'm very down-to-earth and would likely help keep you grounded.  Also, I would happily sign a pre-nup.  As long as the pre-nup states that if there is any form of proof that you have or are cheating on me that I still get an incredible amount of money for you turning out to be a jerk in the end.  I've considered Danny from CSI:NY, Richard Alpert from LOST (although he may be a tad old), Nick Stokes from CSI, Booth from Bones, or the other geeky guy from Bones, or even some of the BIG names.  I have an ongoing wish for Kenny Chesney.  Will any of these ever happen?  probably not.

 

I have considered becoming a hair dresser.  Opening a $1.00 movie theater.  Moving into a Seniors Apartment complex and asking for discounted rent for plannin various activities for the resients.  I have looked into buying a Curves for Women franchise.  I have done direct sales.  I have considered creating a niche business for myself in organizing people's homes and offices. I have also considered a niche business of helping (older) people learn how to use technology to its fullest, helping them set up cell phones and emails and learning the programs on their computer as well as the plethora of fun to be had on the interwebs. I have thought about independently doing administrative work for Direct Sales managers etc in my area. Will I ever pursue any of these?  probably not.

 

I'm a dreamer.  It's what I do.  I'm even reasonably good at dreaming for other people.  Now if there were some way to get people to pay me to dream for them and then give them their fantastic idea to go and make millions at ... THAT i could possibly be very very good at.  Why won't I ever pursue any of this?  I don't really have the drive.  When the rubber hits the road and it's ti eto actually (gasp) *work* then I'm no longer interested and all the best parts of the dream are gone and all I am left with are the drawbacks.  Typicaly I don't mind the loss of the dream.  The $1.00 movie theater idea was birthed because there was an abandoned theater here in town,that dream has died because some jerk decided to tear it down and build something really depressing, like a Baby Gap. (not really, that's a movie line, 2 points if you can name the movie), but he has torn it down.  So, clearly, I can't open a $1.00 theater in that location.  And I am TOTALLY not a build it from scratch kind of girl. So, I drive around and make up these grand schemes and then someone tears down the theater and I move on to the next.  maybe one of these days I'll be able to make it stick.  Or I'll get married to someone incredibly wealthy and won't have to wish for a life that is not ruled by someone else's alarm clock.

I watched a Hallmark Movie tonight. Well most of it anyway. It was called Head of the Class about a guy with Tourette's Syndrome who learns to live and thrive with it and decides to become and succeeds at becoming a teacher. At the end of the movie he has been given the Sally Mae award for Outstanding First Year Teacher. And he is giving his speech and says “Do you know what I learned from all this?” And he has students in the audience and they raise their hands to answer his questions. They say he learned to not let it get him down, to never give up, and that you really can achieve your dreams (or some basic variation on those). And I stood in my bedroom putting away laundry and I heard that and all I could think was ...

 

“I am failing MISERABLY if that is the case!”

 

There are so many things I would like to do, so many wishes I have, so many dreams unfulfilled. I am encouraged and inspired by this movie, it tugs at my heartstrings. But, ultimately, I know that tomorrow I will continue life as usual. I will do nothing amazing nor fantastic nor even the least bit out of the ordinary. I'm not certain exactly why. I do know that I don't like change. In my soul, in my heart, in my psyche change has never been a particularly good thing. So, I tend to avoid it whenever possible. I have a good job that pays my bills (if just barely) and allows me to live in my own apartment, it provides me a daily routine and structure, and it gives me health insurance—which I'm not using because I can't afford the deductible or copays, but it's nice to know it's there. I've even thought about going back to school to change careers into something that will pay better. Working as a Receptionist who happens to have a Social Work degree doesn't pay nearly what the degree should dictate. But it was a safe choice. There was minimal risk and more challenge along with more hours and more pay.

 

I have dreamt. I used to dream about turning the old run down theater in our downtown in a Dollar Theater. I have dreamt about buying into a Curves for Women franchise. I have considered being a missionary to another country, and discounted that because of the whole I-don't-like-change thing. I have thought about ways to volunteer with nursing homes in the area. I have thought about ways to volunteer at the job center and help women get the skills they nedd to job search better and get better jobs. I have investigated going to school for Web Design. I have considered returning to college for an IT based degree. I have momentarily considered getting my Masters in Education so I could become a teacher and get my summers off. I have also considered getting my Masters in Counseling so I could simply make more money doing what I had always wanted to do anyway.  I have attempted, in a variety of ways, to pursue writing as some sort of career. I have pondered going on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship as a Staff Worker for a local campus to help college students learn what it means to navigate life as a Christian. One of the dreams I keep coming back around to, no matter where else my wandering mind goes, is to speak and teach to groups. To share the insights and wisdom I've gained in my years with Jesus and to help a few people breathe easier. I have a quote from someone up in the other room (It's late and I'm too lazy to go look at who it was, but if you google it I am CERTAIN it will come up immediately) It says, in part, 'to know that one soul has breathed easier .... that is to have succeeded.' Frost maybe? I have even considered getting into politics to try being a voice of reason in this psychotic, schizophrenic, bipolar system that we have. (Yes, I intended to say bipolar and not bipartisan). The other dream I come around to constantly, is the dream of being married and having some kids. But, somehow, I feel like to have one means I can't have the other. And I end up in this state of suspended animation. Almost like I'm waiting for one or the other to take place so I can proceed accordingly. Logically I realize I can TOTALLY have both, but some incredibly traditional part of me thinks it won't happen that way.

 

And I am no farther ahead now than I was when I started writing. I usually start writing and have interesting ideas or grand revelations or even full blown epiphanies.  Not tonight.  I have tons of hopes, and tons of dreams, and billions of wishes and 'what I wouldn't give to have...”s. I even set goals every January, and make plans, and buy organizers and calendars, and read inspiring books. But nothing breaks through my fear and laziness.

 

((sigh))

 

I guess I just wanted to share with the world that I am an Epic Fail, or as Lolcats would say 'ur doin it wrong' , at fulfilling my dreams and hopes and goals and wishes.

 

Anybody got a great man to set me up with for Christmas? That could be just the ticket!