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11 April MovingYep, I did it. I mentioned in that last post that I was thinking about starting fresh somewhere else. I did it. My blog will now appear over here
This MSN space afforded me a few bonus options that blogger didn't originally offer. But now, blogger has developed some of those and more importantly, I'm not using those optional things anyway. So, au revoir MSN Space. I'll check in here from time to time I'm sure, but I'm officially moving.
If you have ended up on this site to read my archives, know that I have written here for years. That my journey of life and mental wellness and spirituality have had ebbs and flows, ups and downs. I absolutely categorically refuse to go back and re-read all my old stuff in order to weed out things I may regret having said or things that you may be surprised to read. I refuse to go back and relive difficult moments or hard times or simple ridiculous stuff on the off chance that something may offend you. Get over it. That was who i was then and this is who I am now. I am moving forward in a new place to try to unite all the facets of my personality that I currently feel compelled to keep separate. I have a little Sybil thing going on there. So, I'm going to try and unify everything into one place where I can be the fullest me there is. My nearest and dearest will help keep me in check in real life, please do not feel compelled to do so in cyberspace. Enjoy, simply enjoy what I have said and where I am headed in the future. See you on the other side! 4 April The WomenWatched this movie tonight. I kind of wish I'd watched it long ago, like when it first came out. But I heard mediocre reviews, so I waited until the mood struck. Then I rented it. Then I waited til the night it was due and the pressure was on, and watched it. I love Meg Ryan's old stuff. Some of her new stuff I'm not a huge fan of, so I really wasn't sure what to expect. I was very pleasantly surprised.
And inspired. I absolutely love movies where a woman takes hold of her destiny and forges her path and pursues her dreams and achieves all her goals, on her own terms. They are some of my favorites. Especially when there is some romance involved, not the case here.
In this one Meg Ryan's character ends up designing a clothing line, something she has always wanted to do. And, after a very successful opening show she essentially turns down an offer from the Buyer at Saks.
I get that lovely tight feeling in my chest in moments like that. I get that feeling every few months, if I'm lucky. And it always creates two things. One an incredible depth of gratitude for the blessings I enjoy regularly. Stability. Family. Friends. A depth of love unimaginable. A material blessing far beyond the vast majority of those in this world. Hope. And it makes me ask myself what my dream is. If I were to do what she does, if I were to 'do it my way' and pursue my most secret dreams, what would I be doing? If you read the previous post then you know my dreams are many and wildly varied and almost categorically unpursued and neglected. But that lovely feeling, it makes me wonder. It makes me ask and answer myself. And it sometimes makes me pursue that dream, even if only for a night.
I find value in that. In the simple pursuit. Maybe I won't ever apply to the UN or work in a 3rd world country or even get around to volunteering in my own local community. But, that simple pursuit is still much more than most of the people I know ever get around to doing. Heck the dreaming is more than most women ever get around to.
We've been talking about the book of Joshua in church the last couple of months. And Pastor has gone on and on ad nauseum (not really, but how often do you get to say ad nauseum) about 'Your Promised Land.' And what 'The Promised Land' is for you, personally. And we have this very handy printed page to job notes on regarding that question exactly. Condensed it looks like this:
My Promised Land
Is My Promised Land clearly defined? Do I have the Right Habits to get there and stay there? Do I have the Right Attitude to get there and stay there? Do I have the Right Knowlege to get there and stay there? Do I have the Right Relationships to get there and stay there? Do I have the Right Resources to get there and stay there? And last week I was pondering this whole idea of "My Promised Land" while he was preaching and I decided to release the 'minds eye picture' of my ultimate dream and break it down to the baseline of what that represents. I wrote down "I want to have a Ministry of Exhortation." According to Merriam Webster To exhort is to incite by argument or advice, urge strongly, to give warnings or advice, make urgent appeals.
I know well the power of words. I know well the influence a well placed word has had in my world. I also know well the damage an errant slip of the tongue can wreak. I have been on both sides of this at various points in my life. I will be the first to admit I do not have my tongue under any sort of true control most of the time. ( I confess, I swear like a hungover sailor ) But I do try my best to pour encouragement and love into people. At the same time I try to push them to be willing to make changes and consider a different point of view and pursue their wishes and dreams and see beyond today or this week or even this year to the eternity that awaits. Sometimes I admit I am incredibly selfish and shallow and self-serving and just plain want to talk about ME. But there are a lot of times when I literally feel like I am pouring myself into someone else, into their situation, into their struggles, into their dreams and fears. And when I can do that and walk away feeling like they have a bit more hope than when they started, I stand taller and walk prouder and smile bigger.
So I get to the end of The Women and I think, If I were to do that what would I be pursuing?
I would write.
I have journaled since I was a child. I thoroughly, thoroughly, deeply, incredibly enjoy writing heart-felt letters and notes to friends for special occasions. I especially love my profound entries here. I admit, I have a special soft spot for my funny anecdotes, but the serious stuff is what gives me that sweet, special tightness of chest.
And I write all this out and I get that exact feeling and I think 'Why don't I write more often of what is on my heart?'
Why?
Because I'm scizophrenic. No, not really. But I do feel like I have different personalities. I feel like here I am one version of my self. On twitter I am something else. On Facebook I am something different still. And because I swear like a sailor and I have an incredibly dry and often irreverent sense of humor and I am easily one of the most random people most of my friends have ever met, I don't feel like I can be all those things in one place. I read The Pioneer Woman and occasionally Dooce and I wonder how much effort and profundity and time it would take for me to get to that point. The point where someone (anyone) will pay me simply to write.
Problem number two is I'm incredibly, deeply moody. I'm moody about foods and movies and music and topics and writing and just about everything. I refuse to try a new food until I am actually in the 'mood' to try it because otherwise I can guarantee I won't like it. It took me at least 3 months to figure out I liked whole wheat pasta. I am just as moody about movies. Which is why my reviews for The Christian Manifesto are so sporadic. I have to be in the right mooooooooooood for a movie or it doesn't stand a chance of a fair review. And to somehow fit my profundity and amusement and dreams into a box that says 'write once a week. write 3x a week. write every time you have something to say' almost kills the desire altogether.
And, then, I do that. I talk myself out of it before I've ever begun. That's how I avoid pursuing most of my dreams. I look up job openings on the UN website and think 'I'm not qualified ... and I don't think I'd like living in NYC.' I look up degree programs to return to school and pursue and think 'I won't qualify for any aid so I can't afford it anyway.' I start a direct sales business and when it doesn't simply take off immediately I say 'well, I will probably kill it horribly eventually anyway, so just let it be a few bucks now and again until they stop paying you.' I watch this lovely movie and feel the bug and sit down here at 11 at night and type for a half hour and compose this piece and tell myself 'we should blog more often. we should start a blogger blog 'cause that's easier for people to find and follow and friend. we should write at least 3x a week. ohhhhh i wonder what templates they have available.' and i get 30 minutes in and think '3x a week? are you crazy? You don't do anything 3x a week that you don't get paid money in the bank to do.' But why not? Why not spend my time writing and sharing my opinions and my anecdotes and my wisdom with the masses? Why spend hours (yeah, probably, literally, hours) a day screwing around with a virtual (i.e. FAKE!) pet on Facebook instead of attempting at the most minimal level to pursue some version of your dream??
Why not? Because I am absolutely horrified of failing and equally unequivocally terrified of succeeding wildly. Because I don't even know what that success would look like. And if there is one thing I do not like ... it is change.
So, I'm going to post this, and I'm going to go play on blogger, and maybe possibly potentially someday in the not so distant future I will post something here saying I've moved over there. for tonight, au revoir. Sweet Dreams.
30 October nicer, better, biggerThis week at work a customer had an "accident" in our bathroom. Left a mess. I volunteered to clean it up. It truly wasn't that bad. But multiple coworkers said
"You're nicer than I am!"
hmmmmm.
Earlier this week I was telling a friend (HI FRIEND!!) that I had ridden my bike 4.5 days the last two weeks and all of this week. And she said
"You're a better person than ME!!"
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
A couple weeks ago a coworker saw me riding my bike near work and was asking me about the biking all the time ... well, we were on a street corner, me on the sidewalk, her in her Tahoe, and I told her I had to go to the bank as well and she said "How far is that?!" I said "3 miles or so I think." And she said
"Youre a bigger person than I am!!!"
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Now, technically, yes I am significantly biggger than she is, consider she is like a size 4 on a heavy day, but I don't think that's what she meant. But the irony of that was SO not lost on me. Anyway, I digress, but only slightly.
It has just gotten me to wondering, why exactly do we do that? Compare everyone else to ourselves and our situations? Don't we all do that? We see someone looking raggedy and walking on our way to work and decide I am clearly better off than they are. We see someone driving a Lexus or a BMW or a Cadillac and think, hm, well, clearly he's doing better than I am. And in much less drastic ways we do it. We look around at our friends and think well their little boy has cancer, so my problems shouldn't seem so big. Or we look the other direction and think she got a boob job, clearly they're doing better financially than me, but what does that say about her personally? The worst is that we do it in the church ... a LOT. Well, he is an elder, cleary he has it all together. She is running that ministry, clearly her life is great. He's the pastor, he must not have any struggles of his own if he can handle ours!
But here's the kicker, none of it is true! That person walking on your way to work has simply chosen to live more simply. The person behind the wheel of that BMW could be mortgaged up to their ears! I'm so sorry your son has cancer, but my problems aren't actually any less because of it. Yes, that lends me some perspective and reminds me to be greateful for what I have, but it doesn't make my lack any less lacking.
Do you think for one second that God pays attention to any of those criteria? I can tell you absolutely, without question he does not. The Bible clearly states (multiple times I think) that God looks at the inner man, he looks beyond your surface, he looks at your heart and your attitude and your mind. But not only can we not see that in other people to begin with, we can't comprehend a God that does that. We can't reference it. We have no way of making our own judgments based on his scale, so we use the one we have available to us. And, in the meantime, we miss out on opportunities to know people. We inadvertently offend and hurt those we ought to be enjoying thoroughly. We miss out on so much of the richness this life has to offer us because we are so caught up in our cosmic King of the Hill that we fail to simply laugh and smile and pray.
Me? I see that man walking on my way to work and I smile at him as I pass on my bicycle. I even pray for him, that God would bless him today and give him favor in whatever he is setting his hand to. And if he looks ill in some way I may even offer up a prayer that God brings him healing.
That woman in the BMW. I wonder if that was some form of bribery from a husband who isn't truly vested in their marriage. I sometimes pray for her too.
My friend's whose son has cancer? I pray. Hard. A lot. For Divine and Miraculous healing. And I count my blessings that I have not only a great biological family but such an incredible spiritual family.
I know two women who've had boob jobs. I pray for each, for vastly different reasons.
But I try to not compare myself to them. My life has taken a different path than each of theirs. Not better. Not worse. Not right or wrong. Just different. I can only hope and pray that those around me don't decide those things about me! I hope that they can see my truest heart and enjoy the love and compassion and gentleness and need/lack/desire for relationships that is contained there.
So, What are you going to think when you see that guy walking on your way to work tomorrow? 26 October necessity is a motherof invention of ingenuity of intense frustration ... something. I'm too lazy to look up the actual quote right now.
But this has become my personal mantra. Which will be tested tomorrow, in a way yet to be encountered. You see I figured out an honest to gawd budget a little over a month ago. And I found that being average on gasoline and conservative on groceries I am still $70 in the hole every month. And that doesn't even include paying down any already outstanding bills. Clearly, I had to find a way to cut somewhere. I decided, since I live a mile from work and I do thoroughly enjoy riding my bike, that the car-starting-for-one-mile-commute was coming to an end. That or I had to start walking, but, of course, walking takes much longer than biking does. And, I already have problem enough getting out of bed and showered early enough to make it on time on the bike, much less add 10-13 minutes for walking. So, the last two weeks I rode my bike to work 4.5 times each week. One day I needed to get groceries after work, so I biked in the morning and drove back after lunch. It was raining or something once this week so I did the same thing that day. In addition, 3 times the first week and twice last week I also rode another half mile past work to the Curves club to work out. It took a week for the quads to begin protesting and another 3 days for the tailbone to begin to mutiny. But they'll just have to get used to it.
I have also come to appreciate the Crock-Pot I got for Christmas two years ago that NEVER GOT TAKEN OUT OF THE BOX! Until a couple weeks ago. I made a batch of mom's Hamburger Soup, then last week I made up my own recipe for chicken noodle soup based mostly on what I already have in the house. I have my aunt's basics for chili making and the fixins and am now looking for a fourth soup to add to the repertoir. I'm eating a lot of sandwiches lately. I don't have money to go out anymore. So, I cook a little more than I used to. And because I feel so broke all the time, I reserve my frozen dinners for the days when I really feel like I want or need one.
Good thing I moved into this more expensive apartment in August. At least here I don't have to pay for my heat. So, no matter how frightful the weather is outside or how cold I get riding around on my bicycle, I know I can come back to cozy Saunaville.
Oh, so, tomorrow my resolve to ride the bike is going to be seriously tested. It's our first truly cold day since my new resolve and I think, possibly, the first truly cold day since official autumn. The weatherpeople are calling for possible snow tonight. SNOW??? Why can't they call for sunny & 55? Aren't they running this popsicle stand?? Guess not. So, I'll have to listen to the radio or something in the morning and find out what the current temp is and the forecast for the rest of the day to determine how much winterwear to don before leaving my oh so cozy abode.
And, my hair is getting long. Like, drifting below my shoulders long. Why? Not because I decided to grow it out. Because I decided that with a $70 deficit I can't afford to spend the $20 to get it trimmed if it looks fine like it is. Plus it actually looks kinda nice most of the time. Not sure how this freezing weather and thereby required hat/scarf combo are going to affect the look of my newly lengthened locks, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Maybe I'll suddely come into some money and be able to do everything I want without worrying about it. Maybe not.
The up side to all this is that I am forced to rely more deeply and thoroughly on God to provide for my deficit. So far he has, although I gotta say, it's one of those supernatural freaky things where I've no idea how he's doing it. Regardless I am deeply grateful that he is providing. And I am deeply grateful that I don't have to consider living as a polar bear under multiple, multiple layers just to be comfortable this winter and even mroe so that i don't have to stuff my clothes with newspapers or take charity blankets because I live on the street. Additionally, I am deeply grateful that if the worst-case-scenario hits me personally, that I do have parents with a basement that would still welcome me if I were destitute and the alternative were living on the street. And, the other upside to the bike-riding, less-food-eating plan is that I should be guaranteed to lose some weight again. So, ya can't beat that.
Another new song. I went looking for this song, but I don't have it. So then I was going to put up Here is our King by David Crowder band, but this song came on after it and it strikes me as more appropriate. So, I uploaded this one instead. Only You by David Crowder Band on their Illuminate CD. 22 October to pamper excessivelyOr
to impair the disposition or character of by overindulgence or excessive praise
See also: Coddle, Pamper
These are two definitions of Spoil - as in spoiled. I have recently been told, twice, on completely separate occasions, that I am spoiled. I am not sure what to think of this. I am having a hard time finding the right word for my reaction. I'm just a tiny bit annoyed. I'm slightly disturbed. A bit sad. And, quite baffled.
A gal at work was today was talking about paper towels. And I mentioned how my mom has these fantastic 'Magic Cloths' she uses that are great on windows. Then I mention how she came to my new apartment and cleaned all the windows before I moved in. To which, one coworker responds "You are spoiled."
A little over a month ago i was spending an afternoon relaxing and enjoying the company of a group of friends. I mentioned how my mom had come that week to clean my apartment for the gathering. And again, from a good friend, I hear "You are spoiled."
My knee-jerk thought is 'Well, I don't have anyone else (i.e. a significant other) to spoil me!'
My second thought is "I live by the motto, If you don't ask, you don't get. No, just because you ask doesn't mean you will get, but if you don't ask, no one is going to read your mind."
All the while I am baffled by what, exactly, makes me so spoiled? Let me clarify a few points.
First and foremost, I am a dirty, nasty pig. I am. I do actually ask my mom to come over about once a month to clean my apartment. I only tidy when someone who cares is coming over or if I need to find something I lost. I did my dishes last night and was tempted to actually throw away at least 2 dishes because what was inside of them was so deeply disgusting because they'd been sitting, waiting to be washed, for about a week. We're not even going to talk about the current state of my toilet. I know this. I am not even remotely under any delusions about this fact of my life. It is who I am, at least for the time being.
Second, I did not even hint that my mom ought to come and clean my windows. Nor did I suggest nor request that she pack the picture frames or books or anything else in the old apartment. I also did not request that she come to the new apartment and clean anything in preparation for my move in. Simple explanation: she cares, I don't. Elaboration: She cares if my stuff gets cleaned before being packed or if the new apartment gets cleaned before i move in. I just plain don't. It's a place. Apparently I don't consider it a reflection on my person or character. That being said, I know my mom. I know her well. She can't tolerate the idea of me moving and her not helping in some way, shape or form. She also can't tolerate the idea of dirty things being moved into a dirty apartment. So, I give her ideas of things she could do if she wanted to and she does whatever she feels like. Also, when she comes to clean my apartment she vacuums, cleans the hardwoods (Yes, my apartment has hardwoods!!!), dusts if she feels like it, maybe does dishes if there are any to do, and wipes off the bathroom sink and maybe toilet if she is so inclined. Almost every time she says "I am not cleaning the bathtub." To which I reply ... "Never expected you to do it."
I spend typically two nights a week at mom n dad's, catching up, hanging out, spending true quality time with them. My personal love language is physical touch, but as far as I can tell theirs is a combination of Gifts and Time. Plus, since I've seen too many sappy 'died-too-early' movies, I try to be certain I always let them know how much I love them. Typically by spending time with them. I consider it our 'trade off.'
So, all of this to say, I don't understand what makes me Spoiled. My extended family has always thought of me as the spoiled one and I've never understood where they got that from.
I suppose what bothers me the most is the clearly negative connotation to it. People never say spoiled as a good thing. NEVER
If we use merriam webster's dictionary definitions
1) to seize by force; to damage seriously; to practice plunder and robbery; to lose valuable or useful qualities usually as a result of decay (the fruit spoiled); to have an eager desire (spoiling for a fight) - I think we can all basically agree that none of these apply to me at al.
2) ruin, to impair the quality or effect of (a quarrel spoiled the celebration) - I may be self-absorbed or delusional but I can't say that I think any indulgence to my favor has ruined me or impaired my quality or effect. If anything, indulgence probably enhances my effect! (hee hee)
3) to impair the disposition or character of by overindulgence or excessive praise - Although some might say the situations above and any other circumstances of my life may be overindulging, again, I don't believe it has impaired my disposition or character. And, I gotta say, I don't think anyone excessively praises me. I'm not sure I can even name the last time I was praised for anything. Possibly church two weeks ago, and that may not even count.
4) to pamper excessively, coddle - This one has the best odds of actually being true of me. However, even then i disagree. I don' think there is any excessiveness in what little pampering I get.
So, I am left slightly bewildered. Why, exactly, am I to be considered spoiled because I have people who love me and are willing to do tasks for me, for which I am greatly appreciative. And, let's say for argument's sake that I am spoiled. What is so terrible about that? Why is it such a sin for me, a single, lives alone, working girl to get pampered or spoiled a little bit?? I reiterate my earlier question: "Who else is going to spoil me?" Lord knows I can't actually afford to do it myself, why shouldn't someone else bless me once in awhile??
1 September gluttonApparently I am a glutton for punishment. I have a very dear friend who has kids who are married and have their own kids and are all over the planet. At fourth of July I saw them all and spent an hour or so with all the 'happily young married coupls' and can you guess what happened? Yep, had a breakdown on the way home. That becomes just more proof that I really am a glutton for punishment because I knew full wll ahead of time that spending time at their house would probably be very difficult for me. But I still felt the need to go. Mostly because I have come to love this friend so much that I wanted to show a bit of that love by involving myself in their 4th of July.
The reason I'm writing right now is because I have been subscribed to two of the kids blogs. Today I found out that the daughter in law and other daughter both have blogs as well. So ... what did I do? I subscribed to their blogs as well. Why? So I can see the pictures of the kids and share in the almost disgusting amount of lovey dovey happiness that becomes evident on all their blogs. Because, clearly, I don't punish myself enough for not being married already.
yep ... stop calling me Mouse ... start calling me Glutton. 2 August Coming into my ownI am starting to feel like a broken record ... and what's worse I am starting to fear that I'm jinxing myself and a horrible downward spiral is just around the corner. But I guess that is also part of my new perspective, I'm actually NOT going to borrow trouble from tomorrow and I'll deal with the spiral if it happens once I get there. Meanwhile, I'm deeply amused by myself right now. I am babysitting for a friend, rather I was babysitting and now we're just hanging out. But it's just me and her 15 month old kid and I rode my bike over to her house so it's not like there was anyone to impress. Plus I have been pulling most of my hair up into a ponytail to keep it off my neck and keep myself a bit cooler lately. So it had been in a ponytail all night last night and all morning, so I didn't feel like re-doing the ponytail to come over here. So, 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave I text messaged my friend and asked "Is it okay for 30 year olds to do pigtails?" To which she replied, because she looooves me, 'Of Course!" So ... I rode over here, on my bicycle, with my yellow backpack and pigtails just laughing at myself. For two major reasons. 1) I think I probably look like a 19 year old, which is TOTALLY fine with me. and 2) Even if I do look ridiculous as a 30-year-old in pigtails and riding a bike, for the first time in a very long time, I DON'T CARE.I know it's totally cliche and it's not even hardly the right phrase, but I really am 'coming into my own.' I'm finding my groove. That's a MUCH better phrase. I've been comfortable in my skin for a long time now, but now I'm getting comfortable in my life ... in my heart I guess. And that is bringing this great feeling of freedom and euphoria and confidence. I went for a walk with my friend's son today and with minimal makeup and a baggy-ish outfit on I even smiled at a few people on the bike trail and laughed at myself. I'm even talking to a new guy on the internet. Granted we are getting to the 6 message limit where the guys in the past have disappeared AND I have a computer virus, but he seems REALLY nice and he makes me laugh ... HARD. But, I've been considering my dreams and passions and goals lately. A truly evil part of me is saying that it's too late to restart anything, but the much more rational, optimistic and dreamy part of me points out 'I'M ONLY 30!!!!' In considering those goals/passions I got to wondering, is it even fair to be considering pursuing anything right now? Since my goals would give me an ENTIRELY different life than what I have AND lead me to a totally different place, possibly geographically, than where I'm at right now. Is it even fair to start something now that may not even work in 6 months, a year or two years? But one friend did point out that it's not like I'd spring this on him later. If I'm going to pursue these goals/dreams soon, it'll come up in conversation. And another friend pointed out that she noticed I'd put too many things on hold while I waited for a guy. In my head I knew that was wrong and I knew I was putting some stuff on hold but I hadn't actually put it all together, nor had I considered doing anything about it. Anyway, I really appreciate good friends who will be honest with me and share whatever is on their hearts. And I really appreciate real, honest, funny guys who aren't put off by the size of my jeans. And I really appreciate where I am in life. I have a good job, where I just got a raise, and potential for some serious income in the direct sales business I started. I have a new apartment to move into in a couple of weeks and PLENTY of friends to help me move. I have parents who STILL spoil me rotten. And enough food to keep me in plus sizes. I am really loving my 30s so far. Granted I'm not even 6 months in, but I think it'll just keep getting better. 23 July So many thoughts swirlingI've been pondering varoius topics and interesting and amusing moments and stories to share with you. But I keep coming back to a new revelation. Much as I'd like to share the truly amusing ironies of my life, I feeling compelled to share from my heart.
I am finally feeling okay about being 30 and single. I was telling some friends of mine that I feel like i'm 'coming into my own.' It's such a cliche phrase, but it's true. I went for a walk tonight, for no particular reason, and thought 'I'm truly hitting my stride.' (I promise that's the end of the cliches) I am figuring out who I really am ... no, that's not quite accurate. I am becoming truly, at-my-core, comfortable with who I am and who I present to the world around me. I am a size 18 and I love my cupcakes and M&Ms (no those aren't euphemisms). I also love riding my bike and going for walks. And I love good, entertaining movies and TV shows and fully-allow-me-to-escape books. I love to cook, especially for friends. I also enjoy babysitting for some of them, well technically all of them, just sometimes I guess, since it allows me an outlet to bless them. I love being on the internet and most days I spend hating my job/coworkers. And those are just the things that come to mind off the top of my head.
I am realizing more fully and deeply that as much as I would prefer a different relationship status, I was also not ready for it for most of the past 6+ years. I'm not even certain that I'm ready for it now. In my head my expectations and hopes were built on the relationships around me. But in my heart many of my hopes are very childish, teeny-bopper and Harlequin/Hollywood. I mean hopes for what married life will look like ... how he'll treat me, how we'll interact etc. In my head I know it'll be hard and work, but in my heart I think we'll work through it quickly and easily and smoothly. Which should make me realize how ridiculous that is ... because, well, have I ever done anything the quick, easy and smooth way?? Not so much.
I am realizing in my heart and the seat of my self-confidence that I am an incredible person and would make an amazing wife and mother. I've had friends tell me things like this and accepted it in my head. But there is always this lingering doubt in my heart that I am in fact a 'reason' and not a 'season.' (there is this series of Christian novels about a girl in a Singles Group and how you can look around the gropu and divide them into the people single for a season and those single for a reason.) I have thought multiple times about asking my friends to tell me if I have a reason I'm unaware of. But I'm just not brave enough to handle their honest answers. I am coming to realize that regardless of their answers, and regardless of my potential status as a reason, that still doesn't mean God is incapable of bringing some wonderful amazing man into my life who will think I'm fabulous and enthralling and can't wait to start spending the rest of his life with me.
In the last year I have made 2 major decisions to simply improve my place in this world. Along with some other small decisions here and there, I am finding that stride. Until this point I never made any particular decisions simply to improve myself or my place in this world. For the first time in my life, a year ago, I decided the job i had (good as it was) didn't provide well enough for my needs (health insurance) and wants (apartment), so I looked elsewhere and moved on. I also moved out into my own fabulous little apartment. I have decorated it to my tastes with the things that I love and that bring me joy. I have entertained a few friends here and had a few sleepovers.
I still have my melancholy days and my 'i hate my singleness' moments. But the days like today are becoming more often and lasting longer. Days when I walk confidently, ride my bike tall, eat what I need only and enjoying it. Days when I smile at passers by and laugh at myself for it because a part of me is thinking ' maybe that's him' Maybe it'll be just like in Blue Smoke where the guy sees the girl from a distance multiple times over the course of a number of years and is in love with her at first sight and every sight thereafter. Now, I don't actually believe in love at first sight, but I would probably be a happy recipient if he took the time to convince me it was real and genuine. And I even have plenty of middle days where I think 'Even if I never get married, I will live out my days as happy and fulfilled as I can, I will fulfill God's every plan for my life and I will die happy and content surrounded by loved ones.'
Took me 4 months, but I am breathing easy. I remember going to this store with a friend at Mayfair Mall called Torrid. It is a Plus Size store full of trendy, cute clothes. I spent a long time in there and it took me a good 10-15 minutes to realize why I liked it so much. I thought to myself "I can breathe in here." It was the first store I'd ever been in where it did not occur to me at all what someone else was thinking or whether or not I could find something to fit me. I am about the same size now as I was then and on my walk today took a deep breath of cool night air and thought "I can breathe here." At this point in my life, I can breathe deeply and contentedly most of the time. There are still plenty of things ... plenty of things that make me crazy and crank my blood pressure, but they are being outweighed (no pun intended) by the good times and the people who love me just as I am (starts around 2:00).
So, goodnight dear cyberfriends. I pray you can breathe deeply of the Goodness God has given you and yours and that you can walk confidently in your own skin, just as it is right now. 4 July Highlights from the Fourth
Ya just can't beat a fourth like that. Although the next 2 days of sleeping in and relaxation are definitely going to give it a run for its money. 12 June Some people have Fur BabiesI am one of the few who will claim to have Fin Babies. In fact, I may be the first person to coin this actual phrase, as I've never heard it before, but thought it very apt to describe my current home life. No, Fin Babies aren't quite as cuddly as Fur Babies and they really oughtn't sleep at the foot of your bed ... but they have their definite perks. Mortimer 2 is keeping me quite good company right now AND he even has a trick! Plus Diego and boots give me a second show to watch if Mortimer is feeling sluggish.
I'm not some creepy old lady with 20 cats who believes they are all her 'children.' But my Fin Babies DO talk to me, although we don't really have conversations. They know who I am and swim to the sides of their bowls to say Hi and to remind me that I haven't fed them. Mortimer also REALLY does not like the microwave. But I don't run it that often and I don't want to move him elsewhere in the house. So ... come meet my Fin Babies!!
ohhh, Mortimer is an absolutely beautiful shade of blue, don't you think?!
And he has some great red accents too
He is saying Hi! He doesn't have arms or hands, or else he would wave.
This is diego, Kelly's kids named him.
And the one hiding in the middle of this frame is Boots.
Diego needed a friend and there were plenty of fish left at the end of the wedding reception.
So we added another one to our happy family.
For the record, No I don't name my plants.
Although I do video my Fin Babies. I think two of them have anxiety disorders. They tend to freak out a little too easily. I was afraid that first night that Mortimer was actually going to jump out of his cup and basically commit suicide. ..... so, I put a coaster on top of it so he couldn't do it.
See for yourself:
Diego & Boots
Meet Mortimer!!
I told you he does a trick ...
Mortimer, play dead!
Ha, you didn't believe me did you! He does though doesn't he!
Lastly, I'm thinking there is some sort of anxiety disorder involved here.
Do you think I can get some kind of prescription to put in his water and calm him down?
Ok, I've got to get ready for work now. 30 November Glidin AlongI bought a glider on Black Friday. It was on sale ... half price. Even with that it feels almost decadent ... definitely indulgent. Do I need a glider? NO. Was my life or apartment truly lacking for a glider? NO. But my heart was. (ooohhhh, that sounds GREAT doesn't it??) I wanted a peaceful, comfortable place in my patio room (the 2nd bedroom, I've given it that name because that's where my patio doors are at to my little balcony) to sit and watch it snow or rain or enjoy the sunshine and read on a lazy Saturday. Not that I've had many of those lately ... which, now that I bring it up, I've no idea what I've been doing with my Saturdays that I'm not really lazing around like I prefer to do. Hmmmm, something to look into. There may be a bit of lazing this Saturday. But, I disgress.
I saw it in the ad and thought intently about whether or not to buy it for myself. I believed it to be a doorbuster that was only available until 11 am. So, when I woke up early enough to go without an alarm it was then that I decided it was NOT that important and went back to sleep. For the record, I should simply NOT be allowed to make decisions before 9 am. Especially not before a shower and a cup of lovely coffee. So, I released my hope for this glider. I tried to convince myself that maybe, just maybe, God was going to bless me with some lovely rocker, recliner, something or other for free from a friend or acquaintance.
You can imagine my surprise and subsequent debate when my friend, Kathy, and I went shopping the evening of Black Friday and lo and behold, there it was!! AT THE APPARENTLY NOT DOORBUSTER PRICE!! Part of my original argument against getting up early enough to get it was that I didn't know how good a deal it truly was ... how much off was it exactly? I had no idea what the original price was so I had no idea how much off the sale price was. Well, when I saw it at Shopko, I sat down and glided a bit and made my friend sit in the other one to experience it with me. Then I looked at the price tag. HALF OFF!!! My glider, still on sale, was HALF off the original price. Oh, gee, twist my arm. I think that needs to go home with me ... don't you?? I will spare you the sad realities of trying to get a 2 1/2 foot by 3 foot squared box into the back of a Chevy malibu and the high mileage trip required the next day to pick up said glider. Suffice it to say that it got done. Sadly, it came missing ONE screw. Oh, well. I put it together anyway. I'll worry about having a screw loose later. Ha! I know, funny pun huh? Anyway. The screw, in my opinion, is technically unnecessary. It holds half of one of the arms on. While the other screw and the back also hold the arm in place. So, lack of one screw was not about to hinder me. Additionally sad is that I have not had any opportunity to relax in my glider since I bought it. I read for about a half hour in it last Sunday after I had put it together. Nothing since. I may spend some time there tomorrow morning. We'll see.
3 November Something about a good bookThere is something about a good book. Rather, about getting near enough to the end of a good book that you know it is going to end just the way you want it to. There is something about that particular anticipation, where you are simply reading to see the intricacies and weaving at the very end.
We all want that satisfaction and anticipation in the situations of life. We want to know that everything will work out romantically with that person we have our eye on. We want to be able to sit back and watch the intricacies of the conversations and enjoy the weaving of two hearts. But, we want to do it without any of the risk or pain that real love requires to grow.
We want to be assured that our children are going to grow up to be happy, healthy, God-fearing, contributing citizens. We want to relax and sleep easily again. We wish we could just enjoy the outbursts and tantrums and even appreciate our own bad days. We wish there were magic words to heal the wounds this world will inflict; that we will inflict. We want to sit back and enjoy watching them grow. without the discipline, punishments or "I HATE YOU"s that we need to really appreciate the depth of our love.
We want to choose when & how we lose our parents. We want nothing to do with "cut down in the prime of life," Alzheimer's or cancer. We want them to celebrate as many milestones as they can reasonably enjoy and then peacefully fall asleep after having said goodbye to everyone. We want the control that eludes us as a general rule. We don't want to consider the possibility that they won't be there for the next momentus occasion. We don't want to bear our hearts or show our cards for fear it won't be reciprocated. But those are some of the sweetest and most poignant times we get.
We want guarantees that the job change will be everything and more for us. We want the knowledge that the house is going to be right for the next 30 years. We want promises that this church and/or small group will meet all of our needs. We long for the assurance that any and every daily choice is the right, best and least painful path we could be on.
But we refuse so much of the flower scent of life. You have to stop in the breeze to smell the flowers you can't see. You have to take a chance on an unseen thorn to smell the rose. The most true and sweet things of life are truet and sweeter because of the risk and pain involved. The victory is so much more worth celebrating when there has been an actual battle fought!
Ecclesiastes says over and over that much of life is smoke, meaningless and spitting into the wind. When w get caught up in trying to control, to be perfect, to be properwe are focusing on smoke. We are missing the real marrow of living a life worth living. But it seems so much easier to risk losing a little friendship now rather than seem out of control for a moment. It seems easier to sacrifice a little joy for some dignity. But that is smoke! Most of us have never spit into the wind. If we have, it has only been once. We learned that lesson. Somehow the same lesson never quite gets learned in real life. We just keep spitting into the wind and missing the real life we have. We get blinded in seeing only the lives others have. Today, clear away the smoke, ask for clarity and, possibly for the first time ever, see your life as it truly is. 21 October Sunday Love ListAs commanded by Lori of Superfantastic ... here is my list of Loves for today ... the recent past ... whatever.
OK, now your turn ... what are you loving today?? 7 September My BalconyFor anyone who may have only recently tuned in. Until about a month ago I lived with my parents. In their basement. For five years. There are a number of circumstances that were in effect in my life that dictated that choice was a good one for the time being. But, I was definitely ready to go once the time and opportunity came together. I had more space than many, so don't take this as complaining. I had their entire basement ... except for one small walled off corner that was the laundry room and various storage for my mom. I had a bedroom area, an office area, a dressing area and a living room. What I didn't have much of was fresh air and outside time. I didn't answer to them per se, but I always did feel a level of ... responsibility I guess. To honor them and their lives and their home. My closest friends can attest to how much and how often I resisted this, but, ultimately there were certain lines I didn't want to cross. Like ... sitting in the back yard reading by book light until the wee hours of the morning. I didn't want my mom to worry about me coming in or fall asleep and then worry because she couldn't remember hearing me come in. It was simply something I didn't do. There are a variety of other examples, but suffice it to say that everyone knew it was their house.
When that time and opportunity for moving out came together, I started a list. As I always do, taking completely 100% after my mother. I listed the things I needed and then the things I desired in a 'home' of my own. I know that wherever I am, I am the one who makes it a home. That list was: I need one bedroom but two would be great. I need a shower, but an extra-deep soaking tub would be amazing. I need a kitchen sink, but one with a garbage disposal would be preferred. I need somewhere to park my car, a garage would make me dance a happy dance. I need somewhere to put my TV and I'll probably get cable, but getting satellite would be the icing on that cake by far. Other preferences ... Could I please have a dishwasher? What kind of air conditioning is available? Is the heat included in the rent by chance?? (for anyone NOT living in the midwest, this is a HUGE deal if you can get it) Lastly, and to the point of this particular entry ... Does it have a patio or balcony or any sort of outside area? Although I mention it last here, this was actually incredibly important to me. I actually hesitated to look at a place if there was no outside area where I could sit and simply be.
It may not seem to follow, but just read along for a minute. If you know anything about the five love languages, mine is physical touch. Added to that I have an incredibly deep and devout relationship with God. Generally, I describe it as incredibly intimate*, but usually that implies something in our world that I do not intend. Through only the fault of my own choices I didn't feel particularly fulfilled on either of those aspects of my life. So, when you combine that physical touch to the God relationship, it can be very difficult for me to "feel" loved by Him ... since He can't technically touch me directly Himself. After 11 years, He and I have figured a few things out. A soft breeze is like a caress. A gusty wind is like a big hug. Raindrops are like kisses. etc. When i can feel the touch of nature, I can feel closer to God. I simply didn't have that while living primarily out of a basement. Through no fault but my own.
But now, I have a Balcony! My own space, where I can sit and breathe the night air, listen to the crickets and night noises. I could listen to the day noises, but so far I'm mostly working or running during the day. Tonight I plugged in my little radio and a lamp and I turned the radio on to a local easy listening station and made sure the lamp shone out towards the balcony and I sat on my balcony in the chair my mother left here with my feet on a plastic crate for a footrest and I read my book. In peace and solitude and serenity for over an hour ... possibly two. I completely lost track. It was glorious.
I have already spent at least two evenings out there praying through different things going on in my life. Every time it is this incredible blessing to me and it makes my heart swell with gratitude. I struggle with depression and had hit a low point tonight. Although I'm not bouncing off the walls happy, I'm very near content. I have a beautiful apartment that will not ony bless me but, hopefully, many of my friends and even family. I have two bedrooms, one room that can actually be dedicated to sleeping and resting and one that can be dedicated to reading and chillin' and whatever else I would like to do. I have a large living room that can accommodate a number of people and a very large kitchen that can also do the same. I have a plant that is growing like crazy inspite of two people thinking it was dead or hibernating within the last 6 weeks. And, I have a fish that loves me that "talks" to me and misses me when I'm gone, and was given to me by a dear friend because she didn't want me to ever be lonely in my apartment.
In my saner moments of struggling with depression I realize a large portion of my personal problem is that I am very very ungrateful for what I have. But no matter how many times I remind myself that thousands of people died in Africa tonight or that thousands of families are sharing a single mat on the floor for a bed under a tin roof surrounded by cardboard in South America tonight; I remain ungrateful. So, tonight, I'm going to try basking in some thankfulness. I'm going to try to not only appreciate the things of my life but the people. I mentioned you before, I won't embarass you again. You know if you are near or dear to me. I am sincerely and truly grateful that not only do you put up with me, but that you even seem to enjoy my company, wit, charms and point of view. I can only pray that God heap a double blessing onto you for everything you have given me.
YAY FOR MY BALCONY!
29 June Do you support the troops?I'm don't care too much about the hype floating around about this video. I do know that regardless this video is quite powerful and should really make you think twice about your support or non-support of the troops and the war. It's a little over 5 minutes long and well worth it. I started crying around the halfway marker.
I dare you to watch the entire video.
(Unless you are a military family, then it may not be quite as good of an idea. Especially at the halfway marker I mentioned.) 3 May I've completed 73 out of 138 life experiencesThis is a bulletin I pulled from Myspace. It's actually kinda neat and WAY better than the movie version I put up on there awhile back. I can't wait to see how other people did.
And, just for the record, some of these I would need a boyfriend and/or to be married to do. So . . . just keep that in mind.
() I had an asthma attack
() Smoked A Cigarette. () Smoked A Cigar () Smoked Weed () Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex (x) Drank Alcohol (x) Been In Love (x) Been Dumped (x) Been Fired (x) Been In A Fist Fight () Snuck Out Of A Parent's House Total so far: 5 Level 2
(X) Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn't Have Them Back - how about NOW! () Been Arrested/Seen Someone You Know Get Arrested () Made Out With A Stranger (x) Gone Out On A Blind Date (X) Had A Crush On An Older Person - how much older??? (X) Skipped School () Slept With A Co-worker (X) Seen Someone / Something Die Total so far: 10 Level 3
(x) Been On A Plane () Thrown Up From Drinking () Eaten Sushi () Been Snowboarding () Meet Someone BECAUSE Of Myspace or facebook () Been Mosh Pitting (X) Taken Pain Killers (x) Love(d)or Lust(d) Someone Who You Couldn't Have - do celebrities count? () Been in a BAD relationship Total so far: 13 Level 4
(X) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By (X) Made A Snow Angel () Had A Tea Party (X) Flown A Kite (X) Built A Sand Castle (X) gone puddle jumping () Played Dress Up (X) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves (X) Gone Sledding (X) Cheated While Playing A Game Total so far: 21 Level 5
(X) Been Lonely (x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School () Used A Fake / Someone Else's ID (X) Watched the Sun Set / Sun Rise () Felt An Earthquake () Kissed A Snake (X) Been Tickled (x) Been Robbed / Vandalized () Robbed Someone (X)Been Misunderstood - almost every other day!  Total so far: 27 Level 6
() Pet A Deer (x) Won A Contest (x) Been Suspended (x) Had Detention (x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident/ moped (x) Had / Have Braces () Eaten a whole thing of ice cream in one night - NEVER (X) Had deja vu () Danced in the moonlight (X) Hated The Way You Look - for months on end, but it is getting better. Total so far: 34 Level 7
() Witnessed A Crime (X) Questioned Your Heart () Been obsessed with post-it-notes () Squished Barefoot Through The Mud (X) Been Lost () Been To The Opposite Side Of The World (x) Swam In The Ocean () Felt Like You Were Dying (X) Cried Yourself To Sleep - don't even ask about middle school or high school Total so far: 38 Level 8
() Played Cops And Robbers (x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers (x) Sang Karaoke (X) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't (X) Made Prank Phone Calls (x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose () Kissed In The Rain - sadly, no.  (x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus () Been Kissed Under A Mistletoe - again, sadly, no. Total so far: 44 Level 9
() Watched The Sun Set With Someone You Care / Cared About (X) Blown Bubbles () Made A Bonfire On The Beach () Crashed A Party (x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People - does family count? (X) Gone Rollerskating / Blading (X) Had A Wish Come True - it made me stop wishing! () Worn Pearls () Jumped Off A Bridge Total so far: 48 Level 10
() Swam With Dolphins () Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole / Freezer/Ice Cube - DUH! () Kissed A Fish (X) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes () Sat On A Roof Top (X) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs - once, it gave me a headache (x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel (x) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours - not quite, it would kill the phone battery (X) Stayed Up All Night - ahhhh, those great college days Total so far: 53 Level 11
() Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree (X) Climbed A Tree () Had / Been In A Tree House (X)Have been/Are scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone () Seen a Ghost () Have/Had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes or Flip Flops () Gone streaking (x) Been to/Visited Someone At Jail () Been Pushed Into A Pool With All Your Clothes On Total so far: 56 Level 12
() been told you are hot by a complete stranger - not so much () Broken a bone (X) Been Easily Amused - only every other day! (X) Caught A Fish (X) Caught A Butterfly (X) Laughed So Hard You Cried () Cried So Hard You Laughed () Mooned / Flashed Someone (X) Had someome Moon / Flash You - yep, my MOM! Total so far: 61 Level 13
(x) Cheated On A Test (X) Forgotten Someone's Name (x) Slept Naked (x) French braided someones hair () Gone Skinny Dipping () Been Kicked Out Of Your House (X) Rode A Roller Coaster () Went Scuba-Diving / Snorkeling (x) Had A Cavity Total so far: 67 Level 14
(X) Been Used (x) Fell Up The Stairs () Licked A Cat --- What the??? (x) Bitten Someone (X) Licked Someone () Been shot at with a real gun () Had sex in a field/garden/woods () Flattened someone’s tires (x) Drove in a car until the gas light came on (X) Got five dollars or less and bought something. Total: 73 Repost Your Results Like This... i've completed ---- of 138 life experiences 26 March I found a DREAM job!So, I ran across this headline on my msn that said "10 Jobs for TV Junkies." Of course, I just had to see what it said. Well, most of them would require a move and lots and lots of hard work (read: 1000x more work than I'm willing to consider) to get into the field. But, there was this one. And, it would be perfect for me!
Broadcast Captioner
What they do: Provide captioning for offline productions, including pre-recorded television programs or movies, or for real-time captioning, such as live news broadcasts.
What it pays: The annual salary starts at $35,000, and may earn between $60,000 and $120,000. Not only do I
 TV, BUT, I'm also a crazy fast typist (one of the few cases where an OCD Tourette's issue comes in REALLY handy). I could totally do real-time captioning AND that's WAY more lucrative than regular offline. However, downside (you knew there had to be one, didn't you?) is that for many of them you have to already have stenography training because the programs that caption use stenography shorthand instead of regular keyboards. I've looked into this in the past actually. I should look again. If it doesn't take too long, I could take this on as a second job and keep the day job and like triple my salary or something!! Wouldn't that be rockin'!? I think so.This is also mentioned here on CNN. Although this does point out that it can take 3 years of training and $18,000 investment in equipment. Oh, well, yet another pipe dream to add to the pile.
Sounded like a good idea for awhile. Ok, I'm off to dream about it for awhile. 26 December We now return youto the previously running Wherever We Go track. I put this one on to play through only once. Hope you had a great Christmas. I did.
More later . . . someday. 29 November When I work best . . . Saw this today, thought you should know. This is how I tend to work best. Many people don't understand this, even my boss. Oh, well. Their loss of my potential productivity. Can stress actually be good for you? - Stressed Out - MSNBC.com Key word, SMALL DOSES. 27 November GMAC Driver's Test - Funny but no jokeMy sister sent me this. At first I thought it would kind of be a joke, but it's not. It's amusing, but not a parody or site making fun of something. So, Click here to go take the GMAC Driver's Test.
I got a 95%!!!
How'd you do? Oh, you should keep track of your answers as you go because it does not tell you which ones you got wrong. It just shows all the correct answers. |
Maybe . . . . someday . . . . they'll figure it out.
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