I have been depressed. At least a week to a week and a half, possibly closer to a month. Only became aware of it in a way that concerned me in the last week or so. I struggle with depression and I have for years. It comes and goes. I'm sure in the eternal scheme of things there is some sort of 'logical' cycle in it, but none that i've been able to figure out.

Admitted this particular bout for the first time to myself late Friday night and to a friend on Saturday. Made an agreement with God last night about skipping church this morning and when I woke up, completely reneged on that agreement. So, likely my church friends realize I'm at least struggling, how bad it is compared to other bouts they probably don't know, but only because I haven't been around for them to talk to or see it. Then again, this may all cycle around my relationship with God. I have a surprisingly intimate and deep relationship with God. A lot of the time I'm fighting with him  (it's our thing, he hasn't struck me down yet, you don't get to either.) I have a tendency to non-confront things that upset me and then let them build up. And there is one major issue that has been non-confronted and building for a couple of months. But I'm an incredibly non-confrontational person so the idea of confronting the situation is almost ludicrous to me.

By the way, this bout isn't much worse than the last or the ones previous. About the same as what I generally expect when I realize what's happened. Generally, It creeps up on me very slowly. A bad afternoon at work that I try to 'fix' with retail therapy or an evening in front of the boob tube. A few nights short of sleep. Getting a cold and skipping the gym for a week, which turns into two weeks because of the lost momentum. Any number of unforeseeable circumstances conglomerate and suddenly one Saturday night I realize “I'm sad.”

But the thing about it is that I'm not always sad. It's not like I walk around with a sad emot  above my head for days on end and am oblivious to it. I can have a lot of good moments as I go along in a day. Joking with a coworker, meeting new friends, helping someone pack up a house. I can function reasonably well the vast majority of the time. And to add to that, the last few bouts have been less about being sad and more about being numb and utterly apathetic. It's not like I'm sad about my job or lack of spouse ... I get to a point where I truly and simply don't care. I don't have any strength of feeling in any direction. I don't feel ecstatic or even happy about my job but i'm not angry or sad about my apartment either. Some things get strong feelings once in awhile, but it's the deeper parts of my heart that are ... almost in a coma. Not dead, 'cause they always wake up, but primarily non-responsive and absent. For the record, I don't like feeling numb for so long. It's annoying, to be perfectly honest.

And I swear if one more person who has never experienced one iota of depression suggests “just do something” I am going to scream.  I realized a fabulous analogy a few weeks ago. A non-depression-struggleing person telling me to “just do something” is like me telling a pregnant woman that when it comes time to deliver the baby “just push” and it'll all work out fine. Ummmmm, no not so much. I'm not married, I don't have kids, I've never owned a home or bought a brand-new car. Therefore, I don't get to give advice on those topics, or a plethora of other topics. I can share the understanding I've gathered from other friends who have experienced those things, but it can only be as a sharing that is clearly gleaned from a 2^nd source. So, for all of you non-depression struggling persons, take the hint on this one, please?

Also, for the record, meds are not the only answer, nor is psychotherapy. I googled depression out of curiosity this afternoon to see if anything interesting came up and got the Glaxo Smith Kline website that first and foremost was incredibly less than useful AND treated it as if meds were the only choice. For the record ... chocolate can do psychosomatic wonders!

But, something happened at 6 tonight. I was pondering this post all afternoon and what I could say about walking through a whole week basically in an emotional coma. And at 6 I just decided I needed to get off the couch, clean the tub, get into the shower, make supper and start writing. I have no idea what exactly it was, but as I told my mom once about a flylady habit I had started “I'm going to ride this horse 'til it dies!” So, I'm writing and eating breakfast in clean pajamas with clean hair and pretty smelling skin about to go into my patio room and spend some time reading a non-fiction book I've been trying to get through for a couple years (I put it down for a LOOOOOONg time in the middle) and probably journal awhile before bed. Just wanted to share that I'm not ok right now and to be honest, that is ok. In case there is anyone else out there feeling similarly, they'll know they're not alone and they're still an ok human being.

As requested by Superfantastic Lori, here is my list of things I'm grateful for this year. Yes some are going to be corny, simple and easy and others are going to be profound and deep and possibly tear-jerking. However, ALL, I guarantee are heart-felt. Truly. Obviously I am not likely thankful for all of these to the same degree ... regardless, here we go.

Sight. To be able to see the snow on my balcony railing and to have been able to watch it snow last night. This amazes me sometimes. And it amazes me how much we miss by looking too closely at ourselves. (and to look down and realize my computer is telling me it's 28degrees!!! What the ...???)

Hearing. That I can hear the wind in the trees and uplifting music.

Touch. I can feel the 300c sheets on my bed and the pounding spray of my shower ... that, by the way, is one of the only reasons I can be a reasonable person before 9 or 10 am. ;)

Coca-cola – totally agree with Lori here

Also Chocolate Nirvana Steep-N-Brew coffee ... YUM. PERFECT way to start a day.

A body that is healthy. All my limbs work, all my senses work (sometimes too well), all my organs and functions and systems work. I have no apparent side effects from being slightly overweight and although I realize I am taking a few risks with my current lifestyle, my body is healthy. Considering my previous post, this is something that is creating an INCREDIBLE level of gratitude for me.

A lovely apartment that is safe and warm and reflects me. Maybe not as much as Penelope Garcia's did last night on Criminal Minds ... but it does reflect me. I haven't had a place of my own in a number of years ... back off ... I'll get there!!! ;)

Technology that allows me to meet some wonderful people from St. Louis, Pennsylvania and Boston, among many other places. Although I've never met these people in person, I know that when I stop onto the message board tonight that they will celebrate with me and cheer me on.

Also, the technology to know that although there are 3 million or so people in this country, apparently none of the male species are looking for ME. I can relax that idea and rest more fully in God's arms and timing. And, again, considering my previous post and a previous encounter with God, I can choose, daily, to be ok with my single state. Much as I WANT a significant other, I also want some very specific things from him. So, I'm willing to live my life as fully and completely as I can in any given day and if he shows up, Yay, if not, at least I didn't waste my time moping around pining away for him.

Family. I have a reasonably large extended family. Although I do not get along perfectly with all of them, they all love me, more or less. My immediate family is intact. Probably a big reason I haven't settled for anything less than A LOT from a guy, my dad is an incredible man and I refuse to settle for less than what I have in front of me.

Which brings me to ... My church family. There are also some amazing families and marriages there that make me hold out for better than what I've had. They are an imperfect group of people who love each other and God, and at the end of the day imperfect is exactly what we need.

Kathy, Katie, Kari, Kelly, Mary, Allison – all such truly DEAR friends who keep me sane and remind me I'm not losing my mind and how normal I really am. You wonderful and amazing women “get” me in ways that most do not and you allow me to breathe and let my guards down and simply be. We all need that sometimes and I thank you for being that for me. I can only pray that I bless you as much as you bless me.

Michelle – you get a line all your own because although you “get” me the way these other ladies do we also “get” the partylite/jen thing like none of them can. You are a friend and a helper and a great listener of venting. I am so glad we reconnected after I'd quit partylite and that we are now friends. My life is richer for having you in it.

Cable TV. For taking me to places I will probably never go and seeing things I will probably never see (although with my penchant for CSI I probably don't actually WANT to see most of those things ... but regardless) and learning so many things about the world and, occasionally, about myself. Also for giving me a distraction and release from everyday life.

Two good jobs that I enjoy and am good at with people I can tolerate quite well and sometimes even like! I especially am thankful for curves because I have met so many wonderful women there and have built some new, great friendships. Plus I get a free membership!! Which I totally need.

Health Insurance. I finally got regular health insurance this month. What a relief that is!! I can finally get into a chiropractor to get my back straightened out again so i can stop having headaches all the time. And if I get bronchitis again this winter I could consider going in to the doctor without paying $120 for them to do nothing. ;)

My Little People. This is what i call my friends kids. They're not technically my nieces or nephews and some families get very possessive of those titles, so I call them My Little People. Maggie May, Emma, Abi, Mary Grace, Ruthie, Ellie, David, Danny, Adoniah, Talon, Autumn ... You keep me young, get me my baby fix and give me some of the bestest hugs EVER. Thank you parents for allowing me a place in their lives and trusting me to babysit at times. They keep us all hopful.

Ok, although I'm sure there is much more I could add ... I just looked at the clock and realized I gotta get going!!!

So, what're YOU thankful for???

Be Present
After much obsessing, the key I've found is to enjoy the present and not allow one part of your life to determine the rest of it. When I fully concentrate on the present, I'm busy enjoying the people I'm with, my hobbies, a good book, good food. I find I spend very little time missing anything. The Bible tells us to think on things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, and excellent (Philippians 4:8). When we're present doing this, we can't help but be content.
Gilaine

Don't Go It Alone
It's so hard to not let your thoughts hold you captive. It's easier if the situation is blatantly sinful—you know you shouldn't. But when you're waiting on that someone to call …

My advice? First, ask for the Holy Spirit to help. I try to make sure I'm never doing anything out of sheer willpower. So ask for help from the Helper.

From there, force your mind to focus on something else. Use the opportunity to clean, exercise, visit someone who needs cheering up, or better yet, spend time in the Word. Set your mind on things above, not on the telephone!

My guy friends tell me one big turn-off is a woman who checks in with them too much. And frankly, as exciting as it is when you first discover that someone you like likes you back, it's a major trap to put your focus on that one individual. So keep the Lord as the focus of your life from the start, and you'll avoid major pitfalls later.
Danielle

Gain Perspective
First, I take a breath and try to realize this isn't life and death. I get moving and stop waiting for the shoe to drop. No mail? Still waiting for "the call"? I go work out, call a friend, take in a movie, or do something constructive. I try to replace unwanted thoughts with others I know will benefit me. And I realize people do have other things going on in their lives that may keep them away from things they'd like to do … like calling.
David

Take It to the Cross
I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and God revealed to me a number of months ago that he can heal me. He gave me 2 Corinthians 10:5 as kind of a theme verse: "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Initially, I couldn't figure out how one might take every thought captive to Christ. After praying about what that looks like, God showed me what to do. I'm a very imaginative person and tend to visualize a lot. So I mentally write down whatever I'm obsessing about, then I take that paper, mentally, to a visualized cross and I nail it there and walk away. God always steps in and takes the thought. I don't know what he does or how he does it, but it usually takes days for one of those thoughts to come back to me again.
Kristine

Just Breathe
I attach some short truth or Bible verse to my breathing—intentionally breathing deeply with a thought that will interrupt the obsessive thinking and begin to break those chains. For example, I might breathe in thinking the words "You are my beloved," and breathe out thinking, "On you my favor rests." Several repetitions can refocus me to more productive thoughts, not to mention the fact that good breathing helps relax the body.
Diane

Ask the Tough Question
I often ask myself this question when I find myself in this situation: "Do I think about Christ this much?" Do I check and see if he has something to say to me? If my answer is "no," then I spend a little more time concentrating on what God has for me. If something is occupying your mind and not leaving room for Christ to dwell there, then it's not healthy.

To change my thoughts, I read a good book and do some soul searching. More often than not, the guy isn't spending near as much time worrying about whether or not he's going to call me. So I don't make myself the prisoner of others' schedule or emotions.
Cary

Change Your Focus
Trying not to obsess about a relationship in the past often failed me because I was still making my thoughts captive to the relationship. I've learned that my very thought process was the reason why my thoughts remained on the relationship. Here's what I'd say to myself: "I need to get my mind off of this relationship. I'm gonna go [insert task here]." It sounded like a good plan to me at the time.

But what I failed to realize in trying to break away from the preoccupation with the relationship was that I was still thinking about the relationship. "I need to get my mind off of this relationship." In trying to escape from the thoughts, I instead buried myself more into them. No wonder I was all messed up!

For me to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ, Jesus must be the One who fills my thoughts. Instead of thinking about relationships with others, I need to think about my relationship with him first. It helps me to ask myself, "What would God think about this?" or "What would Jesus do in this situation?" In thinking about God first, my thoughts immediately become obedient to him. In all I do, even in the seemingly mysterious realm of love, I know that I should strive to put God first. It's not always easy, but it certainly makes things easier.
R. W.

We welcome your feedback and brainstorms at: SinglesNewsletter@ChristianityToday.com

And how interesting and poignant (right word?) it is that just yesterday I told a friend to give her cousin my number.  She has told me about him a few times and I have always figured he was too old for me.  But, I decided that it wasn't quite right to shut the opportunity out like that.  The ball is still FULLY in his court, but at least he'll be able to do something with it if he chooses. 

So, between this article and my immediate situation, please pray with me that I wouldn't obsess over waiting for the phone to ring.  And, I'm sure, I'll be letting you know if and when it does and what, if anything, happens after that. 

It would be easier to let hope quietly die, but I don't. I choose to keep the faith because, in a way I can't completely fathom, I know that faith is the truest substructure of the things for which we hope—the real, actual foundation and substance of the heart's fiercest longing. It's the required "deposit" that must precede any future blessing. But even though I accept that an unbreakable connection exists between believing and receiving, it's easier for me to believe for another's hope than for my own.

****

How is it possible to long for something so deeply and so desperately and never see it? Haven't I trusted in You, God, or have I only not trusted in me? Is the desire of my heart from You? And if so—haven't You promised to give it when I delight myself in You? And haven't I done that? Then what? When? How? I have waited on You alone. I want You, and no one else, to give me my desire of a husband and a family.

Did Sarah ever remind You of her age? This Saturday, Lord God, is my birthday.* Another year and my desire is the same as it has ever been. All my distractions and old allegiances are gone. Killed. Severed. I am no one's now but Yours.

I need You to give me the desires of my heart. I cannot get them for myself, by myself. Help me to look expectantly to the future You are forging for me, even now. To believe Your good loving-kindness exists for me and not just for others. Help me to count on You, to hope in You with confident assurance. Please. It's midnight, and I'm here: begging for my bread before the only one who can give it. Prepare a banquet for me, just because You are good. Please God, would You do that for me?

If you happen to want to read the entire article, it's called One Bright Red Bird.  If you click here you can read it in it's entirety.

*no, saturday is not my birthday. 

First of all, thanks for asking me out. For finally realizing that all my e-mail chatting about local cuisine wasn't just for conversation's sake, but was my attempt to open a relational door to you. I really was trying to meet you halfway in this process. I hope it felt like it.

Now that we have the date set, forgive me I seem a little cautious and tentative. I've been here before, staring down a relationship potential with a seemingly great guy. And, well, the fact that I'm here again tells you a lot about the success of my previous efforts. I'm trying to let the past be the past, but also to guard my heart. It's such a precarious balance at times.

I don't want to put undue pressure on you, but I have to be honest that a little bit of my faith in your gender is riding on how you treat me. You've already restored some of my faith in just asking me out—it does still happen! But I've been burned before and yes, I'll admit I've done my share of singeing as well. Going out with you makes me vulnerable. I don't know if you realize it, but in going out with you I'm handing a little piece of my heart to you to see what you'll do with it. If you're just planning to drop it or perform a juggling act with a couple other heart-pieces from others, could you just let me know now? It would be great to save us both the trouble and time and heartache. I know as fallen human beings we're destined to inadvertently hurt each other in some way at some point, but if we know it's coming sooner than later and more through negligence or a cavalier attitude than accident, I'd really like to opt-out of this one. I don't know how many more heartbreaks or disappointments I can take before I become a jaded, bitter date-monster. And I really don't want to become that person.

At our age I know we both come with our fair share of past experience—some of it great and enriching and some of it painful and tough to get past. But I also recognize that some of my best growth has come through my toughest times, and that good, bad, and ugly experiences have all formed me into who I am—and who you are. And these are the selves that were drawn to each other.

We've both also gotten a little set in our ways. My friends and I joke about living alone too long and hoping we haven't spoiled ourselves from ever living with anyone ever again. In full knowledge of that dynamic, I look forward to the way getting to know you better will expand my paradigm, show me a different way of doing and viewing and approaching life. Thank you in advance for that privilege to come alongside and walk a bit in your shoes—whether our journey together lasts five minutes, five miles, or forever.

I promise you now I'll try to leave my Hollywood expectations of love and leading men at the door. I'll try to remember that romantic comedy heroes have script-writers and personal trainers and directors and lighting technicians and a whole host of others who make them seemingly perfect. I pledge to try my best to let you be a human being and to be wowed by the complexity and messiness and wonder of that. I'm praying that God will help me value what's truly valuable and to see you as he does—more from the inside out. Looking for and valuing your heart above any of its packaging. I hope and pray you'll afford me the same eyes.

That said, I'll also try to leave my "best foot" at home. I'll try my best to let you see the real me. The one that will no doubt change outfits five times before selecting what to wear when we go out, that doesn't pray enough, that has too much coffee and not enough exercise, that loves quirky comedy and dancing flicks and secretly fears you won't mind that I'm more indoorsy than outdoorsy. That has a large vocabulary and a smallish bustline, too many pajamas and not enough cleaning skills. This is me. The unadulterated me. The one you'd have to live with if this works out someday, so I'll try my best to let you get a glimpse in appropriate measure.

I was talking with a fellow singleton the other day who also has one of those elusive first dates on her calendar in the coming days. In chatting over the hows and wheres, the silly and secretly delicious 16-year-old feelings, we both admitted to being scared. Scared that it won't work out—that we'll get hurt or disappointed and that it'll be another year or two before we even find ourselves back here at square one. And yet, oddly, also scared that it will work out. That this could be the beginning of the end of our singleness, the only life stage we've ever known. As much angst as I feel about it at times, this status is the only one I've ever known and there's a certain comfort in this familiarity.

Most of all I'm trying to temporarily set aside the reality that, as Christians, we aren't just looking for a good time, a one-night stand, or, at most, a live-in love interest. Rather, we're looking for a spouse. A til death do us part. I'm trying to overlook this truth right now because frankly it's a tad terrifying and immobilizing.

Instead, I'll try just to let this be a possibility. A mystery. An open door for God to usher in whatever he wills. And though I'll never breathe any of this neurosis to you before we go out next Friday, this is what's knocking around in my head as I prepare my best to let our dinner date be just that, dinner.