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11 April MovingYep, I did it. I mentioned in that last post that I was thinking about starting fresh somewhere else. I did it. My blog will now appear over here
This MSN space afforded me a few bonus options that blogger didn't originally offer. But now, blogger has developed some of those and more importantly, I'm not using those optional things anyway. So, au revoir MSN Space. I'll check in here from time to time I'm sure, but I'm officially moving.
If you have ended up on this site to read my archives, know that I have written here for years. That my journey of life and mental wellness and spirituality have had ebbs and flows, ups and downs. I absolutely categorically refuse to go back and re-read all my old stuff in order to weed out things I may regret having said or things that you may be surprised to read. I refuse to go back and relive difficult moments or hard times or simple ridiculous stuff on the off chance that something may offend you. Get over it. That was who i was then and this is who I am now. I am moving forward in a new place to try to unite all the facets of my personality that I currently feel compelled to keep separate. I have a little Sybil thing going on there. So, I'm going to try and unify everything into one place where I can be the fullest me there is. My nearest and dearest will help keep me in check in real life, please do not feel compelled to do so in cyberspace. Enjoy, simply enjoy what I have said and where I am headed in the future. See you on the other side! 4 April The WomenWatched this movie tonight. I kind of wish I'd watched it long ago, like when it first came out. But I heard mediocre reviews, so I waited until the mood struck. Then I rented it. Then I waited til the night it was due and the pressure was on, and watched it. I love Meg Ryan's old stuff. Some of her new stuff I'm not a huge fan of, so I really wasn't sure what to expect. I was very pleasantly surprised.
And inspired. I absolutely love movies where a woman takes hold of her destiny and forges her path and pursues her dreams and achieves all her goals, on her own terms. They are some of my favorites. Especially when there is some romance involved, not the case here.
In this one Meg Ryan's character ends up designing a clothing line, something she has always wanted to do. And, after a very successful opening show she essentially turns down an offer from the Buyer at Saks.
I get that lovely tight feeling in my chest in moments like that. I get that feeling every few months, if I'm lucky. And it always creates two things. One an incredible depth of gratitude for the blessings I enjoy regularly. Stability. Family. Friends. A depth of love unimaginable. A material blessing far beyond the vast majority of those in this world. Hope. And it makes me ask myself what my dream is. If I were to do what she does, if I were to 'do it my way' and pursue my most secret dreams, what would I be doing? If you read the previous post then you know my dreams are many and wildly varied and almost categorically unpursued and neglected. But that lovely feeling, it makes me wonder. It makes me ask and answer myself. And it sometimes makes me pursue that dream, even if only for a night.
I find value in that. In the simple pursuit. Maybe I won't ever apply to the UN or work in a 3rd world country or even get around to volunteering in my own local community. But, that simple pursuit is still much more than most of the people I know ever get around to doing. Heck the dreaming is more than most women ever get around to.
We've been talking about the book of Joshua in church the last couple of months. And Pastor has gone on and on ad nauseum (not really, but how often do you get to say ad nauseum) about 'Your Promised Land.' And what 'The Promised Land' is for you, personally. And we have this very handy printed page to job notes on regarding that question exactly. Condensed it looks like this:
My Promised Land
Is My Promised Land clearly defined? Do I have the Right Habits to get there and stay there? Do I have the Right Attitude to get there and stay there? Do I have the Right Knowlege to get there and stay there? Do I have the Right Relationships to get there and stay there? Do I have the Right Resources to get there and stay there? And last week I was pondering this whole idea of "My Promised Land" while he was preaching and I decided to release the 'minds eye picture' of my ultimate dream and break it down to the baseline of what that represents. I wrote down "I want to have a Ministry of Exhortation." According to Merriam Webster To exhort is to incite by argument or advice, urge strongly, to give warnings or advice, make urgent appeals.
I know well the power of words. I know well the influence a well placed word has had in my world. I also know well the damage an errant slip of the tongue can wreak. I have been on both sides of this at various points in my life. I will be the first to admit I do not have my tongue under any sort of true control most of the time. ( I confess, I swear like a hungover sailor ) But I do try my best to pour encouragement and love into people. At the same time I try to push them to be willing to make changes and consider a different point of view and pursue their wishes and dreams and see beyond today or this week or even this year to the eternity that awaits. Sometimes I admit I am incredibly selfish and shallow and self-serving and just plain want to talk about ME. But there are a lot of times when I literally feel like I am pouring myself into someone else, into their situation, into their struggles, into their dreams and fears. And when I can do that and walk away feeling like they have a bit more hope than when they started, I stand taller and walk prouder and smile bigger.
So I get to the end of The Women and I think, If I were to do that what would I be pursuing?
I would write.
I have journaled since I was a child. I thoroughly, thoroughly, deeply, incredibly enjoy writing heart-felt letters and notes to friends for special occasions. I especially love my profound entries here. I admit, I have a special soft spot for my funny anecdotes, but the serious stuff is what gives me that sweet, special tightness of chest.
And I write all this out and I get that exact feeling and I think 'Why don't I write more often of what is on my heart?'
Why?
Because I'm scizophrenic. No, not really. But I do feel like I have different personalities. I feel like here I am one version of my self. On twitter I am something else. On Facebook I am something different still. And because I swear like a sailor and I have an incredibly dry and often irreverent sense of humor and I am easily one of the most random people most of my friends have ever met, I don't feel like I can be all those things in one place. I read The Pioneer Woman and occasionally Dooce and I wonder how much effort and profundity and time it would take for me to get to that point. The point where someone (anyone) will pay me simply to write.
Problem number two is I'm incredibly, deeply moody. I'm moody about foods and movies and music and topics and writing and just about everything. I refuse to try a new food until I am actually in the 'mood' to try it because otherwise I can guarantee I won't like it. It took me at least 3 months to figure out I liked whole wheat pasta. I am just as moody about movies. Which is why my reviews for The Christian Manifesto are so sporadic. I have to be in the right mooooooooooood for a movie or it doesn't stand a chance of a fair review. And to somehow fit my profundity and amusement and dreams into a box that says 'write once a week. write 3x a week. write every time you have something to say' almost kills the desire altogether.
And, then, I do that. I talk myself out of it before I've ever begun. That's how I avoid pursuing most of my dreams. I look up job openings on the UN website and think 'I'm not qualified ... and I don't think I'd like living in NYC.' I look up degree programs to return to school and pursue and think 'I won't qualify for any aid so I can't afford it anyway.' I start a direct sales business and when it doesn't simply take off immediately I say 'well, I will probably kill it horribly eventually anyway, so just let it be a few bucks now and again until they stop paying you.' I watch this lovely movie and feel the bug and sit down here at 11 at night and type for a half hour and compose this piece and tell myself 'we should blog more often. we should start a blogger blog 'cause that's easier for people to find and follow and friend. we should write at least 3x a week. ohhhhh i wonder what templates they have available.' and i get 30 minutes in and think '3x a week? are you crazy? You don't do anything 3x a week that you don't get paid money in the bank to do.' But why not? Why not spend my time writing and sharing my opinions and my anecdotes and my wisdom with the masses? Why spend hours (yeah, probably, literally, hours) a day screwing around with a virtual (i.e. FAKE!) pet on Facebook instead of attempting at the most minimal level to pursue some version of your dream??
Why not? Because I am absolutely horrified of failing and equally unequivocally terrified of succeeding wildly. Because I don't even know what that success would look like. And if there is one thing I do not like ... it is change.
So, I'm going to post this, and I'm going to go play on blogger, and maybe possibly potentially someday in the not so distant future I will post something here saying I've moved over there. for tonight, au revoir. Sweet Dreams.
25 March probably notI love to read political suspense novels. David Baldacci especially. Somtimes I read them and ponder the behind-the-scenes workings of our domestic political stage as well as the global political stage and I am compelled to wonder at all the wheeling and dealing that is being done right now for the future of our country and our world. Often I wonder if I could work inside that realm. Wheeling and dealing and building agreements and treatises and truces and helping get the 'right' people into whatever office interests me. I am certain I couldn't handle the constant tension and stress of being an actual spy of any sort, however, I do wonder if I could be a peacekeeper of some sort. Will I ever pursue that in any way other than to post here and on facebook? probably not.
One of my favorite movies is a favorite because when one of the main characters finally gets her stuff together and truly pursues her dreams she ends up working for Amnesty International. I have looked for jobs on the UN website and various other global aid organizations as well as NPOs. I even printed off an application or two. Will I ever fill one out and make a tangible impact on the state of humanity on this planet? probably not.
My mom informed me last night that I need to quit my job. That suddenly and that randomly. Made me stop dead in the middle of the living room and stare at her because I was certain I had heard her wrong or she hadn't finished her thought yet. She followed it up by telling me I need to be in the computer field somehow. She had a problem with something she's working on for her work and "knew" I could solve it for her. When I didn't have an immediate answer she thought maybe she'd finally stumped me. However, I googled the problem and got her an answer and impressed her immensely yet again. She asked if I had ever thought about going back to school. Yes, I have. I've even printed off brochures. And asked good friends who work in computers what their suggestions would be for what specificity to pursue. Will I ever put money down to pursue that idea? probably not.
I have dreamt, at length, about marrying a very rich singer or actor. A few reasons. I would be a very good celebrity girlfriend/wife. If you're a jerk, I'm not going to stick around just 'cause you're rich. I'll still bolt ... after I get a car and maybe some jewelry. Also, I'm not all about the spotlight, but I'm not opposed to it either. I'm very down-to-earth and would likely help keep you grounded. Also, I would happily sign a pre-nup. As long as the pre-nup states that if there is any form of proof that you have or are cheating on me that I still get an incredible amount of money for you turning out to be a jerk in the end. I've considered Danny from CSI:NY, Richard Alpert from LOST (although he may be a tad old), Nick Stokes from CSI, Booth from Bones, or the other geeky guy from Bones, or even some of the BIG names. I have an ongoing wish for Kenny Chesney. Will any of these ever happen? probably not.
I have considered becoming a hair dresser. Opening a $1.00 movie theater. Moving into a Seniors Apartment complex and asking for discounted rent for plannin various activities for the resients. I have looked into buying a Curves for Women franchise. I have done direct sales. I have considered creating a niche business for myself in organizing people's homes and offices. I have also considered a niche business of helping (older) people learn how to use technology to its fullest, helping them set up cell phones and emails and learning the programs on their computer as well as the plethora of fun to be had on the interwebs. I have thought about independently doing administrative work for Direct Sales managers etc in my area. Will I ever pursue any of these? probably not.
I'm a dreamer. It's what I do. I'm even reasonably good at dreaming for other people. Now if there were some way to get people to pay me to dream for them and then give them their fantastic idea to go and make millions at ... THAT i could possibly be very very good at. Why won't I ever pursue any of this? I don't really have the drive. When the rubber hits the road and it's ti eto actually (gasp) *work* then I'm no longer interested and all the best parts of the dream are gone and all I am left with are the drawbacks. Typicaly I don't mind the loss of the dream. The $1.00 movie theater idea was birthed because there was an abandoned theater here in town,that dream has died because some jerk decided to tear it down and build something really depressing, like a Baby Gap. (not really, that's a movie line, 2 points if you can name the movie), but he has torn it down. So, clearly, I can't open a $1.00 theater in that location. And I am TOTALLY not a build it from scratch kind of girl. So, I drive around and make up these grand schemes and then someone tears down the theater and I move on to the next. maybe one of these days I'll be able to make it stick. Or I'll get married to someone incredibly wealthy and won't have to wish for a life that is not ruled by someone else's alarm clock. 19 February Incredibly blessedI started this post, literally, over a half hour ago. And sadly, now all the inspiration has left the building. I am too tired to be profound and too tired to be witty and too tired to really write very much worth reading. and now this computer is half frozen, mostly locked up and BEYOND annoying.
and this was going to be such a nice, encouraging sweet post. About God and all my great friends.
now I'm not so sure ...
I was going to write about how i truly have the GREATEST friends in the world. You could argue with me, but unless I, myself, am on YOUR list of friends, you would be wrong.
This afternoon I got to chat with a friend whose had some major life changes (new baby) in the last couple of months so I've given her the space she's needed to adjust. And I've missed her. But I got to chat with her tonight for awhile. Nothing major, nothing profound, nothing earth-shattering or traumatic or dramatic. Just a lovely catch-up chat. And I was blessed.
I was driving home lamenting my current state of singleness (this has become much too much the norm for me) and for some reason, it occurred to me how great my friends are. (thanks God) and how much they have walked through with me. And how much they have encouraged me and loved me and helped me become more fully the best 'me' I am capable of being.
I know I am blessed. I truly do. I look around and I can see that others lack what I have. I have had people actually tell me that they lack that and envy my abundance. So, I am well aware of my blessedness.
But, I get too easily and too often focused on my lack. And the only true lack I get focused on and upset about for any length of time is the lack of an individual person who is committed whoelly to a deep, intimate relationship with me for an indefinite period of time. A really schmancy way of saying
I DON'T WANNA BE SINGLE!!!
But I was able to get up in church a few weeks back and testify that although I don't wish this to be my state, I can see and feel that God himself is my shield and protector. That he has my very best interests in mind and my very best 'self' at heart. I know without a doubt that he has protected me from some iffy and dangerous and useless potential relationships by simply refusing me access to the men that would be a part of that type of relationship. (sincerely, not picking out people I've actually met and known, just a soul-deep knowing) On my sane days in my spirit-filled/led moments I understand and even agree with that. On my crazy days and carnal days and selfish days and weepy days, I just wish for someone to kiss. I haven't been kissed ... AT ALL ... in... (omg, I think I'm gonna cry when i figure out the exact year on this one) 7 years. Yep, here come the tears.
This, these tears that you can't see, this is the reason I don't do the math on that. I konw what it's like to be close to someone. Very close, for an extended period of time, and on some level I know what I lack. I can't know the fullness and depth that is possible because I didn't make it that far down that road ... but I have had a taste of it. Right or wrong is irrelevant because it's done and forgiven and dealt with But I can tell you unequivocally that if you haven't started down that road ... DON'T. until there are rings involved and vows and a ginormous celebration ... just don't. Songs (i believe) says a couple of times not to arouse or awaken love before it so desires. I can testify to the truth of that. I really don't think my struggle would be quite so difficult if I hadn't feigned artificial intimacy with someone already.
Regardless, again, it's done. And here I am, cryin in my nachos again, wishing for something that to be just brutally honest, may not even exist in this world for me. I know, a lot of you are saying "no, it's out there." "he'll find you." "it'll happen." blah blah blah. but unless you have walked this road with me, please don't toss handy pat answers at me. They aren't any more encouraging than a cheesy bumper sticker. It's easy for you to say that, you've been married 10+ years. It's easy for you to say that, you've had your kids. It's easy for you to say that, you're finding fresh depth and awareness and love for your partner. Or, if that doesn't apply, it's still easy for you to say that ecause you think I'm pretty great. Because, let's be honest, if you didn't you wouldn't be reading my blog now would you? But have you seen what's out there?? It's not pretty. It's not encouraging. It's not character-filled or integrity-ridden. It is shallow and selfish and self-serving. And, until you can set me up wtih a good man, who loves Jesus and is willing to consider a real commitment, then don't toss pat answers at me. Cause my experience is proving otherwise.
But my nearest and dearest. Your relationships bless me deeply. Your husbands bless me. Your kids bless me. The fact that you accept me as I am, sitting here, size 16/18, night owl staying up way too late, cryin in my nachos and not only accept me, but think I'm pretty dang great too ... well ... that blesses me well beyond ANY words that have ever been written on this earth. Neither of us will know this side of the gates the full impact of your presence and love in my life. Know that I am truly deeply incredibly blessed to call you friend. And that there are some inevitable life experiences that I may need your support to get through if there is no husband in my future. Know that I love you more than you could realize. And, that I do my darndest to be here for you in every way possible because I recognize the depth of blessing I enjoy from your friendship and I wish to return the favor as much as possible in as many ways as possible.
Thank you. For all that you are and all that you bring to my life.
Philippians 1:3 - I Thank my God in ALL my Rememberance of you. 5 February The Invisible (wo)manA friend told me a couple weeks ago to update my blog, so I finally am. I came over last week and changed the song, but hadn't had time to change the post yet. So, here I am. I thought about finding that picture that says "MY BOSS TOLD ME TO CHANGE THE STUPID SIGN, SO I DID." But I decided it would take too much time to find it.
Instead I will regale you with my deeply surreal 'Am I in a sci-fi movie? / twilight zone' moment tonight. I decided that I was going to go ahead and get a digital convertor box and antenna for my living room. I was hesitating because, honestly, I spend most of my TV-watching-time in my computer room multi-tasking. But then a couple weeks ago I was home sick and wishing I'd set up that TV.
Tonight I went to Radio Shack, on my mom's recommendation based on her sister's level of ecstasy with their box, to get a box and antenna. I thought I'd have to make choices and explain what I wanted and what other brand products I owned etc. Nope. But before I get to that part. Let me stop myself and tell you the important part. The part that warrants posting in a blog all by itself.
I walked in and walked up to the registers, because there is no need to browse, I know what I want and I know what I want to walk out with and i don't want to have to think terribly hard about it or pretend that I'm browsing to get someone's attention. I just need someone to tell me which box to get and which antenna etc.
A woman had walked in just ahead of me realizing she had a problem with a couple of cell phones she had, literally, just purchased. So, I wait a few feet from her, because I'm patient, and she's kinda frantic and I got time to spare for now. There are two guys helping her, neither of which acknowledge me with anything more than a spare glance. There is also an older, white-haired guy behind the counter within arms reach of me. I'm not entirely sure he could see me anyway because he was quite short, for a man, and there was a rather sizable computer monitor betwixt us. (Ya just never get to say betwixt) None of these men speak to me or look at me expectantly as if to help or even acknowledge me in any real 'salesman like' fashion AT ALL.
A fourth man comes out of hte back, a rather old man, carrying boxes. He walks up to another couple, asks if he can help them with anything, they say no. He walks past me, asks someone else behind me if he can help them, and when they say no, he returns to the back room of the store. Meanwhile the white-haired guy has come out from behind the desk only to walk to the other side of the store, still ignoring me!
The cell phone lady has been getting help from the two guys this whole time. She finally gets her stuff figured out and leaves. One of the two guys turns away and goes into the back room. The other guy? He starts punching stuff into the computer!!
I am not actually angry at this point, or ever for that matter. I am incredulous, utterly disbelieving. I've heard people say women are 'invisible' in tech stores like this and never believed it. I've also heard fat women/fat people are invisible to the general population in various situations. But you have Got to be kidding me! I am, literally, the only person standing in the store for at least 10 feet around me and I am standing still, in the middle of nowhere, not facing anything nor lookin at anything. And yet FOUR men are able to absolutely, completely ignore me. Hmmmm.
After standing there, alone, waiting, for at least a full minute and a half, possibly more, I raise my hands in that 'surrender' style gesture we all do and I say to the guy:
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but am I invisible or something??
I've been standing here for 5 minutes and
FOUR people have walked past me without acknowledging me in any way!"
He could not have BEEN more apologetic. Somehow, lord only knows how, he had the idea that someone was helping me. Now I don't know about you, but believing there are 5 people working at Radio Shack on a Thursday night is a bit far fetched for me. Because, clearly he and the buddy were workign with the cell phone lady. The old guy who came out from the back clearly never spoke to me. And the white haired guy, although the likeliest candidate, wandered off never to be seen from again. And, in fact, may have been helping SOMEONE ELSE when I did leave the store.
Seriously. never had that happen. Was utterly flabbergasted. I did, however, purchase my convertor and antenna there. Only because my aunt Carol thinks it is the greatest box ever. So, now I have tv reception in my living room. Where am I now? in the spare room. I am about to go watch a movie in the living room ... on my dvd player. not on the tv. But now I know it's available. And, more importantly, so does mom. Because, really, she is the reason I got it. She just can't seem to tolerate me not having tv shows available on that tv. It is unfathomable to her. ((shrug))
Now I have it, happiness abounds. 23 December Last minute gift ideai can only imagine how much funnier and more enjoyable this would be if it were actually MY kid up there. hee hee hee
FELIZ NAVIDAD!!!!!
7 December Stupid HallmarkI watched a Hallmark Movie tonight. Well most of it anyway. It was called Head of the Class about a guy with Tourette's Syndrome who learns to live and thrive with it and decides to become and succeeds at becoming a teacher. At the end of the movie he has been given the Sally Mae award for Outstanding First Year Teacher. And he is giving his speech and says “Do you know what I learned from all this?” And he has students in the audience and they raise their hands to answer his questions. They say he learned to not let it get him down, to never give up, and that you really can achieve your dreams (or some basic variation on those). And I stood in my bedroom putting away laundry and I heard that and all I could think was ...
“I am failing MISERABLY if that is the case!”
There are so many things I would like to do, so many wishes I have, so many dreams unfulfilled. I am encouraged and inspired by this movie, it tugs at my heartstrings. But, ultimately, I know that tomorrow I will continue life as usual. I will do nothing amazing nor fantastic nor even the least bit out of the ordinary. I'm not certain exactly why. I do know that I don't like change. In my soul, in my heart, in my psyche change has never been a particularly good thing. So, I tend to avoid it whenever possible. I have a good job that pays my bills (if just barely) and allows me to live in my own apartment, it provides me a daily routine and structure, and it gives me health insurance—which I'm not using because I can't afford the deductible or copays, but it's nice to know it's there. I've even thought about going back to school to change careers into something that will pay better. Working as a Receptionist who happens to have a Social Work degree doesn't pay nearly what the degree should dictate. But it was a safe choice. There was minimal risk and more challenge along with more hours and more pay.
I have dreamt. I used to dream about turning the old run down theater in our downtown in a Dollar Theater. I have dreamt about buying into a Curves for Women franchise. I have considered being a missionary to another country, and discounted that because of the whole I-don't-like-change thing. I have thought about ways to volunteer with nursing homes in the area. I have thought about ways to volunteer at the job center and help women get the skills they nedd to job search better and get better jobs. I have investigated going to school for Web Design. I have considered returning to college for an IT based degree. I have momentarily considered getting my Masters in Education so I could become a teacher and get my summers off. I have also considered getting my Masters in Counseling so I could simply make more money doing what I had always wanted to do anyway. I have attempted, in a variety of ways, to pursue writing as some sort of career. I have pondered going on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship as a Staff Worker for a local campus to help college students learn what it means to navigate life as a Christian. One of the dreams I keep coming back around to, no matter where else my wandering mind goes, is to speak and teach to groups. To share the insights and wisdom I've gained in my years with Jesus and to help a few people breathe easier. I have a quote from someone up in the other room (It's late and I'm too lazy to go look at who it was, but if you google it I am CERTAIN it will come up immediately) It says, in part, 'to know that one soul has breathed easier .... that is to have succeeded.' Frost maybe? I have even considered getting into politics to try being a voice of reason in this psychotic, schizophrenic, bipolar system that we have. (Yes, I intended to say bipolar and not bipartisan). The other dream I come around to constantly, is the dream of being married and having some kids. But, somehow, I feel like to have one means I can't have the other. And I end up in this state of suspended animation. Almost like I'm waiting for one or the other to take place so I can proceed accordingly. Logically I realize I can TOTALLY have both, but some incredibly traditional part of me thinks it won't happen that way.
And I am no farther ahead now than I was when I started writing. I usually start writing and have interesting ideas or grand revelations or even full blown epiphanies. Not tonight. I have tons of hopes, and tons of dreams, and billions of wishes and 'what I wouldn't give to have...”s. I even set goals every January, and make plans, and buy organizers and calendars, and read inspiring books. But nothing breaks through my fear and laziness.
((sigh))
I guess I just wanted to share with the world that I am an Epic Fail, or as Lolcats would say 'ur doin it wrong' , at fulfilling my dreams and hopes and goals and wishes.
Anybody got a great man to set me up with for Christmas? That could be just the ticket! 14 November If you were ignorant to begin withI started reading this book last night, You're Broke Because You Want to Be, by Larry somebody or other (forgive me for the lack of typical details today, I'm writing this from work and don't feel like opening yet another window to look it up). Larry is on that A&E TV show Big Spender. Anyway, he makes the point that more money won't make you smarter or better with your money. that if you don't pay your bills on time now, you won't pay them on time if you get more money. He also pointed out that if you're ignorant or stupid, you will still be ignorant and stupid just with money. He points out, quite rightfully, that we really can't be surprised that Brittany and Lindsay and Paris (Isn't it just so sad that you all know exactly who I'm talking about just by first names?) do stupid things like drive around with children on their laps or get drug habits or whatever. People are always going to do stupid things like that, having money just gets your picture taken more often. Case in point: Lohan refers to Obama as 'first colored president' Yep, she did. She is 22-years-old!!! and apparently never got out of her trailer park. I mean really ... who says that anymore? I have an almost 60 coworker who said it a few months ago, but mostly because she is still so unsure of what an acceptable descriptor is. I corrected my coworker almost gently by saying 'Yes, he was African-American." But, seriously, Lindsay's only 22! Another, much more profound, commentary on the state of our society to follow this weekend. I just saw this story and HAD to put in my two cents on it. Sheesh .... I can't hardly believe anyone lets her work! But then, now that I think about it, has she ever worked with a "colored" person?? I'm not sure. And, again, I'm too lazy to look it up on the net right now. I don't believe there have been many, if any, minorities in any of her major films. Interesting. Oh, and I still have to write a debrief about my weekend retreat. That will probably come before the other profound commentary on the state of society. ok, back to my salt mine.
7 November In which I run away for a weekend retreatI am finally packed, I think, for my weekend retreat. You see, last week an old acquaintance emailed me and asked if I would be willing and available to volunteer for a college organization that was VERY dear to my heart when I was in college. After some prayer and encouragement and an INCREDIBLE financial provision by God, well above and beyond what I needed to afford to go, I agreed to volunteer and registered. I am so excited ... I am jumpy and jittery and just generally ecstatic. Of course, the jittery could be from the simple fact that the only thing I ate today was a bag of sun chips and 3 cups of coffee. But, regardless, I'm going to grab something at the gas station on my way out of town and hit the road. Now, some of you are here in Southern WI and you can see that ... well, you could see that right now at 230 pm on Friday it is snowing. Like nasty "started raining and then turned into snow so we have that lovely sleet transition right in the middle there" kind of snowing. At my core I am confident I will get there safely and in one piece and that God, and God alone, will have his way today. But my irrational girl (again, thank you Superfantastic Lori for that incredibly useful theory) is a bit concerned. Partially I am concerned only because I know other people (Mom) are going to be worried SICK about me being out in this weather. So ... please pray for safe travel for everyone going to this weekend. It is about 2 and half hours away in Green Lake. I am just so incredibly blessed. In life in general and in a job that gives me enough vacation time that I can take a half day today and not rush like my typical maniacal self to get everything done so I can get on the road right away. For having enough income to afford a newer car that will run well and is built very well and will not only get me to my destination but will get me there in relative comfort and much safety. Also so blessed to have the kind of spiritual family that will give me $162.00 to go to a conference that only cost $95 to begin with. And most of all so blessed to have this incredible relationship with the maker of the universe, the one who knit me together in the secret of my mother's womb, the one who knows every single hair on my head as well as how many I will lose packing up my car and driving up to Green Lake. To have that depth of love showered on me daily and hourly (if I would only recognize and accept it) is so incredible beyond comprehension. Pray that I am able to convey that to the students I am working with this weekend. Oh, I should mention I will be working primarily with college seniors in a track called "Life after College: Stewarding the Kingdom." A prep course for graduating and serving in this last year. Pray that God moves, that he touches each and every single heart in the conference this weekend and that each and every one of us comes away different and changed as well as blessed to know that relationship with our Creator. Ok, I seriously gotta get on the road now. OH, and I am also blessed to have an apartment that came with a carport ... because I can pack my car in dry and quiet with no wind and snow soaking and annoying me and then simply drive away, still dry!! yes, I'm remembering winter clothes AND yes, I remembered my scraper. At least, I set it by the door to go with me, hopefully I remember to actually take it out to he car with me when I sign off of here and go grab all my loads of stuff to get the heck outta dodge! 3 November "My Vote Doesn't Count"I can't help but wonder, if all those people who are saying
"My Vote Doesn't Count"
all voted.
I think they could elect one of the random 3rd party candidates!!!
plus, I read something that said that for every vote cast in favor of a candidate two votes have to be cast to reverse it. See I vote for Candidate A, you vote for Candidate B and we have to have a 3rd vote to put one candidate over the top.
Seriously, GO VOTE!!!!!
PLEASE!!!
Plus, I am one of those people who believes firmly that if you don't vote .... you can't complain when the whole place goes to hell in a handbasket.
Hopefully it's not too late for you to go vote.
Now.
GO! 30 October nicer, better, biggerThis week at work a customer had an "accident" in our bathroom. Left a mess. I volunteered to clean it up. It truly wasn't that bad. But multiple coworkers said
"You're nicer than I am!"
hmmmmm.
Earlier this week I was telling a friend (HI FRIEND!!) that I had ridden my bike 4.5 days the last two weeks and all of this week. And she said
"You're a better person than ME!!"
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
A couple weeks ago a coworker saw me riding my bike near work and was asking me about the biking all the time ... well, we were on a street corner, me on the sidewalk, her in her Tahoe, and I told her I had to go to the bank as well and she said "How far is that?!" I said "3 miles or so I think." And she said
"Youre a bigger person than I am!!!"
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Now, technically, yes I am significantly biggger than she is, consider she is like a size 4 on a heavy day, but I don't think that's what she meant. But the irony of that was SO not lost on me. Anyway, I digress, but only slightly.
It has just gotten me to wondering, why exactly do we do that? Compare everyone else to ourselves and our situations? Don't we all do that? We see someone looking raggedy and walking on our way to work and decide I am clearly better off than they are. We see someone driving a Lexus or a BMW or a Cadillac and think, hm, well, clearly he's doing better than I am. And in much less drastic ways we do it. We look around at our friends and think well their little boy has cancer, so my problems shouldn't seem so big. Or we look the other direction and think she got a boob job, clearly they're doing better financially than me, but what does that say about her personally? The worst is that we do it in the church ... a LOT. Well, he is an elder, cleary he has it all together. She is running that ministry, clearly her life is great. He's the pastor, he must not have any struggles of his own if he can handle ours!
But here's the kicker, none of it is true! That person walking on your way to work has simply chosen to live more simply. The person behind the wheel of that BMW could be mortgaged up to their ears! I'm so sorry your son has cancer, but my problems aren't actually any less because of it. Yes, that lends me some perspective and reminds me to be greateful for what I have, but it doesn't make my lack any less lacking.
Do you think for one second that God pays attention to any of those criteria? I can tell you absolutely, without question he does not. The Bible clearly states (multiple times I think) that God looks at the inner man, he looks beyond your surface, he looks at your heart and your attitude and your mind. But not only can we not see that in other people to begin with, we can't comprehend a God that does that. We can't reference it. We have no way of making our own judgments based on his scale, so we use the one we have available to us. And, in the meantime, we miss out on opportunities to know people. We inadvertently offend and hurt those we ought to be enjoying thoroughly. We miss out on so much of the richness this life has to offer us because we are so caught up in our cosmic King of the Hill that we fail to simply laugh and smile and pray.
Me? I see that man walking on my way to work and I smile at him as I pass on my bicycle. I even pray for him, that God would bless him today and give him favor in whatever he is setting his hand to. And if he looks ill in some way I may even offer up a prayer that God brings him healing.
That woman in the BMW. I wonder if that was some form of bribery from a husband who isn't truly vested in their marriage. I sometimes pray for her too.
My friend's whose son has cancer? I pray. Hard. A lot. For Divine and Miraculous healing. And I count my blessings that I have not only a great biological family but such an incredible spiritual family.
I know two women who've had boob jobs. I pray for each, for vastly different reasons.
But I try to not compare myself to them. My life has taken a different path than each of theirs. Not better. Not worse. Not right or wrong. Just different. I can only hope and pray that those around me don't decide those things about me! I hope that they can see my truest heart and enjoy the love and compassion and gentleness and need/lack/desire for relationships that is contained there.
So, What are you going to think when you see that guy walking on your way to work tomorrow? 28 October Five AdjectivesThanks to Pioneer Woman for this great idea and incredibly long and convoluted intro to said idea. Made me smile. I've decided to post mine here and ask you all to post yours!
Five Adjectives that you would use to describe who you are.
Mine:
1. Funny
2. Blessed
3. Beloved
4. Intercessor
5. Dreamer
I have lots more I want to write about, and hopefully those will come in future posts. Just really wanted to get something up tonight. But now that my supper is done I really want to watch another episode of Gilmore Girls before my Tuesday Nite TV starts. Biggest Loser, alternating a bit with the Mentalist once that starts, taping Fringe @ 8:00 so i can watch it at 9 when the other two are done. Hey, don't knock it! It's my system, it works for me. And it keeps me from crying in my nachos every night from loneliness and boredom.
 and, because I have a feeling, if you could leave your five in my comments, that'd be GREAT!! To do so, at the bottom of this post is a list of options one of htem says 'Add Comment' Click on that, fill in your name, or whatever version of your name you'd like to use, fill in your email if you want the whole world to have it and your website if you feel like sharing and then fill in whatever else you have to say. Hope that helps the comment-challenged readers I know I have. Love you! 27 October ok, seriously nowSeriously?? This guy, who started at 1230 pounds, has lost 550 pounds, and STILL had to be taken on the back of a flatbed truck???
HE got married?!?
I can't get a date ... but HE got married!!
I may just give up entirely.
 sigh.  26 October necessity is a motherof invention of ingenuity of intense frustration ... something. I'm too lazy to look up the actual quote right now.
But this has become my personal mantra. Which will be tested tomorrow, in a way yet to be encountered. You see I figured out an honest to gawd budget a little over a month ago. And I found that being average on gasoline and conservative on groceries I am still $70 in the hole every month. And that doesn't even include paying down any already outstanding bills. Clearly, I had to find a way to cut somewhere. I decided, since I live a mile from work and I do thoroughly enjoy riding my bike, that the car-starting-for-one-mile-commute was coming to an end. That or I had to start walking, but, of course, walking takes much longer than biking does. And, I already have problem enough getting out of bed and showered early enough to make it on time on the bike, much less add 10-13 minutes for walking. So, the last two weeks I rode my bike to work 4.5 times each week. One day I needed to get groceries after work, so I biked in the morning and drove back after lunch. It was raining or something once this week so I did the same thing that day. In addition, 3 times the first week and twice last week I also rode another half mile past work to the Curves club to work out. It took a week for the quads to begin protesting and another 3 days for the tailbone to begin to mutiny. But they'll just have to get used to it.
I have also come to appreciate the Crock-Pot I got for Christmas two years ago that NEVER GOT TAKEN OUT OF THE BOX! Until a couple weeks ago. I made a batch of mom's Hamburger Soup, then last week I made up my own recipe for chicken noodle soup based mostly on what I already have in the house. I have my aunt's basics for chili making and the fixins and am now looking for a fourth soup to add to the repertoir. I'm eating a lot of sandwiches lately. I don't have money to go out anymore. So, I cook a little more than I used to. And because I feel so broke all the time, I reserve my frozen dinners for the days when I really feel like I want or need one.
Good thing I moved into this more expensive apartment in August. At least here I don't have to pay for my heat. So, no matter how frightful the weather is outside or how cold I get riding around on my bicycle, I know I can come back to cozy Saunaville.
Oh, so, tomorrow my resolve to ride the bike is going to be seriously tested. It's our first truly cold day since my new resolve and I think, possibly, the first truly cold day since official autumn. The weatherpeople are calling for possible snow tonight. SNOW??? Why can't they call for sunny & 55? Aren't they running this popsicle stand?? Guess not. So, I'll have to listen to the radio or something in the morning and find out what the current temp is and the forecast for the rest of the day to determine how much winterwear to don before leaving my oh so cozy abode.
And, my hair is getting long. Like, drifting below my shoulders long. Why? Not because I decided to grow it out. Because I decided that with a $70 deficit I can't afford to spend the $20 to get it trimmed if it looks fine like it is. Plus it actually looks kinda nice most of the time. Not sure how this freezing weather and thereby required hat/scarf combo are going to affect the look of my newly lengthened locks, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Maybe I'll suddely come into some money and be able to do everything I want without worrying about it. Maybe not.
The up side to all this is that I am forced to rely more deeply and thoroughly on God to provide for my deficit. So far he has, although I gotta say, it's one of those supernatural freaky things where I've no idea how he's doing it. Regardless I am deeply grateful that he is providing. And I am deeply grateful that I don't have to consider living as a polar bear under multiple, multiple layers just to be comfortable this winter and even mroe so that i don't have to stuff my clothes with newspapers or take charity blankets because I live on the street. Additionally, I am deeply grateful that if the worst-case-scenario hits me personally, that I do have parents with a basement that would still welcome me if I were destitute and the alternative were living on the street. And, the other upside to the bike-riding, less-food-eating plan is that I should be guaranteed to lose some weight again. So, ya can't beat that.
Another new song. I went looking for this song, but I don't have it. So then I was going to put up Here is our King by David Crowder band, but this song came on after it and it strikes me as more appropriate. So, I uploaded this one instead. Only You by David Crowder Band on their Illuminate CD. 22 October to pamper excessivelyOr
to impair the disposition or character of by overindulgence or excessive praise
See also: Coddle, Pamper
These are two definitions of Spoil - as in spoiled. I have recently been told, twice, on completely separate occasions, that I am spoiled. I am not sure what to think of this. I am having a hard time finding the right word for my reaction. I'm just a tiny bit annoyed. I'm slightly disturbed. A bit sad. And, quite baffled.
A gal at work was today was talking about paper towels. And I mentioned how my mom has these fantastic 'Magic Cloths' she uses that are great on windows. Then I mention how she came to my new apartment and cleaned all the windows before I moved in. To which, one coworker responds "You are spoiled."
A little over a month ago i was spending an afternoon relaxing and enjoying the company of a group of friends. I mentioned how my mom had come that week to clean my apartment for the gathering. And again, from a good friend, I hear "You are spoiled."
My knee-jerk thought is 'Well, I don't have anyone else (i.e. a significant other) to spoil me!'
My second thought is "I live by the motto, If you don't ask, you don't get. No, just because you ask doesn't mean you will get, but if you don't ask, no one is going to read your mind."
All the while I am baffled by what, exactly, makes me so spoiled? Let me clarify a few points.
First and foremost, I am a dirty, nasty pig. I am. I do actually ask my mom to come over about once a month to clean my apartment. I only tidy when someone who cares is coming over or if I need to find something I lost. I did my dishes last night and was tempted to actually throw away at least 2 dishes because what was inside of them was so deeply disgusting because they'd been sitting, waiting to be washed, for about a week. We're not even going to talk about the current state of my toilet. I know this. I am not even remotely under any delusions about this fact of my life. It is who I am, at least for the time being.
Second, I did not even hint that my mom ought to come and clean my windows. Nor did I suggest nor request that she pack the picture frames or books or anything else in the old apartment. I also did not request that she come to the new apartment and clean anything in preparation for my move in. Simple explanation: she cares, I don't. Elaboration: She cares if my stuff gets cleaned before being packed or if the new apartment gets cleaned before i move in. I just plain don't. It's a place. Apparently I don't consider it a reflection on my person or character. That being said, I know my mom. I know her well. She can't tolerate the idea of me moving and her not helping in some way, shape or form. She also can't tolerate the idea of dirty things being moved into a dirty apartment. So, I give her ideas of things she could do if she wanted to and she does whatever she feels like. Also, when she comes to clean my apartment she vacuums, cleans the hardwoods (Yes, my apartment has hardwoods!!!), dusts if she feels like it, maybe does dishes if there are any to do, and wipes off the bathroom sink and maybe toilet if she is so inclined. Almost every time she says "I am not cleaning the bathtub." To which I reply ... "Never expected you to do it."
I spend typically two nights a week at mom n dad's, catching up, hanging out, spending true quality time with them. My personal love language is physical touch, but as far as I can tell theirs is a combination of Gifts and Time. Plus, since I've seen too many sappy 'died-too-early' movies, I try to be certain I always let them know how much I love them. Typically by spending time with them. I consider it our 'trade off.'
So, all of this to say, I don't understand what makes me Spoiled. My extended family has always thought of me as the spoiled one and I've never understood where they got that from.
I suppose what bothers me the most is the clearly negative connotation to it. People never say spoiled as a good thing. NEVER
If we use merriam webster's dictionary definitions
1) to seize by force; to damage seriously; to practice plunder and robbery; to lose valuable or useful qualities usually as a result of decay (the fruit spoiled); to have an eager desire (spoiling for a fight) - I think we can all basically agree that none of these apply to me at al.
2) ruin, to impair the quality or effect of (a quarrel spoiled the celebration) - I may be self-absorbed or delusional but I can't say that I think any indulgence to my favor has ruined me or impaired my quality or effect. If anything, indulgence probably enhances my effect! (hee hee)
3) to impair the disposition or character of by overindulgence or excessive praise - Although some might say the situations above and any other circumstances of my life may be overindulging, again, I don't believe it has impaired my disposition or character. And, I gotta say, I don't think anyone excessively praises me. I'm not sure I can even name the last time I was praised for anything. Possibly church two weeks ago, and that may not even count.
4) to pamper excessively, coddle - This one has the best odds of actually being true of me. However, even then i disagree. I don' think there is any excessiveness in what little pampering I get.
So, I am left slightly bewildered. Why, exactly, am I to be considered spoiled because I have people who love me and are willing to do tasks for me, for which I am greatly appreciative. And, let's say for argument's sake that I am spoiled. What is so terrible about that? Why is it such a sin for me, a single, lives alone, working girl to get pampered or spoiled a little bit?? I reiterate my earlier question: "Who else is going to spoil me?" Lord knows I can't actually afford to do it myself, why shouldn't someone else bless me once in awhile??
21 October Biggest Loser Reflections1) Amy is my new model. She is closer to me in age than Coleen is (though she is still INCREDIBLY INSPIRING to me) and she carries her weight almost exactly like I do. So ... she's my new favorite
2) Vicky irritates the crap out of me. She is TOTALLY there to win the money. Which on one level I understand, but in my opinion if you're not on this show to lose weight and improve your health then get off. That's not inspiring, that's not encouraging, THAT'S NOT HELPING!!! Plus having to watch her smug ugly face grin throughout their ENTIRE ridiculously pathetic weigh-in ... irritating isn't even the word for it.
3) Heba is also driving me crazy. She has the craziest mindset about stuff. I will concede it is entirely possible I myself would be acting just that crazy in the same situation ... since I have a tendency towards The Crazy anyway ... but it still irritates me. I actually agree with Phil, she is constantly trying to control the game to her advantage. I soooooo wished that one brownie Amy ate would have been JUST enough to nudge Heba over so Amy could choose teams. Personally, I think I'd have split it halfway down the middle just to even it out. But, that's me .... sitting at home .... on my couch .... with cookie dough. Well, not tonight I didn't have cookie dough, but usually I do.
Lastly, the part that bothers me the most. I watch this show and I truly am inspired by the changes these people are making the risks they've taken and, honestly, all the screaming and crap they take from Jillian and Bob. But no matter what their results are and no matter how well they do or how much they inspire me ...
I don't want to be 'That Girl'
I have never wanted to be the person who spends hours in a gym. Even when I worked at a gym and could see the obvious results, I still was mostly just irritated by those people. Mostly because they seemed quite shallow as well as thin and tone. but, me, I want to live a FULL life .... like ...
FULL!!!
I am doing that a lot already. I don't have TIME to spend even an hour a day in the gym.
And, yeah yeah I've heard it, it's about finding the small spaces to squeeze in a work out. Well, when I come home at lunchtime for my hour break from my crazy coworkers (who make me want to DRINK!) I do NOT want to work out while I'm here. I want to watch a TV episode or read a book and fully 100% escape from the life I started that morning. Honestly, that is the only way I get through the afternoons sometimes.
Or it's about your eating habits too. Sure it is. But when you're literally living in the red on a monthly basis, you eat what you can afford and you buy ONLY the things you are certain you will actually eat. So, even in that I am limited.
Also I thoroughly enjoy my tv shows at night, plus you're not supposed to work out too close to bedtime because then you can't sleep. I am not about to do ANYTHING that may jeopardize my sleeping. I already have issues with insomnia, I am sooooo not taking that chance. But anyway, I thoroughly enjoy my shows, so I don't want to spend that time in a gym or working out in front of tHe tv, that's my R&R time.
Plus I've been trying to get my mindset/attitude straight so I can get this business going. Well that is at least a half hour of calls every other night at minimum, eventually it would be every night.
Add all those together with a full-time job for a single girl (i.e. no other help at home) who had a very full life of time with family and friends who
STILL has to keep up her house,
pay her bills,
cook for herself,
clean up after herself,
take care of herself,
get enough sleep
and somehow enjoy this thing we try to build called Life
.... there simply aren't enough hours in a day.
Sure, I'd love to be a size 6. I am just realistic enough with myself to know that i am simply not willing to do the amount of work that some other people clearly are. 12 September If you don't vote, You're a moron Love me some Craig Ferguson. I think he has an incredible point and is reasonably middle of the road.
Good points, delivered with humor.
It's 8 minutes, but well worth it. Laughed out loud at the end of the bit starting at 7:47.
And, thank you to a friend for leading me to this website where I saw it. 11 September Sleeping inI was woken up by the phone. My (then) best friend was calling and telling me to turn on the TV. I sleep hard and I sleep late and I wake up VERY slowly, one brain cell at a time. I get the TV on and the sight before me is simply inconceivable.
Is this some sort of 20th century 'War of the Worlds' thing?
Is this real??
What are you saying?
What is going on???
Then ... it's not over. A 2nd plane hits ... before my eyes. While I am watching, I see it come up behind the 2nd tower and explode out the sides.
What the ....
Is this real?
Am I awake?
What are you seeing?
All I can think is 'This is it. This is the end of the world. This is the start of World War III.'
( on a side note that is only amusing long after, I also likely thought 'I need to get married ASAP ... so I can have sex before the world ends.' )
I sat in a chair I no longer own and stare sightlessly at the same images rotating over and over.
I don't remember anything about the late morning or early afternoon. I racked my brain over and over to see if I knew anyone in NY to be concerned about. I don't .. and I couldn't figure out if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
At some point I finally give up and shower and get ready for work. I was working 2nd shift at a juvenile prison and shift started probably at 3. Meaning I worked until 11 the night before. Thus the full-on grogginess of the morning wake-up call. I remember sitting in the employee booth in the building I was assigned to and watching the TV in the corner that was tuned in to CNN or something.
I also remember getting to a point where I had to turn it off, jus tso I could recover, function and regain my emotions. I remember thinking "I don't actually remember challenger. I wonder what the kids in school know about this? Do they have TVs on? Do they even know about it at all yet?"
The days immediately thereafter don't have any specific or particular memories. But as everyone says 'A day we will all remember. We will all remember where we were that day.'
Where were you?
Have also been, separately pondering the previous post on quirkiness. Need to add the following
1) I cannot leave my shower curtain closed ... ever,unless I have guests over and I wan the bathroom to look really nice. Why? Because that is where the serial killers hide!
2) I would rather leave the refrigerator door open than to have to pull doubly hard to counteract that vacuum effect you get from the door being open.
I continue to be utterly convinced that there are a myriad of other incredibly amusing quirks. But I can't thin kof anymore. And now it's time for bed. 4 September Quirky: see also vagaryVagary: an erratic, unpredictable, or extravagant manifestation, action, or notion
Lori @ Superfantastic has requested I write a meme wherein I'm required to tell you about six quirks that I have. Getting to 6 won't be hard, but getting 6 that are interesting or otherwise amusing may be harder. Although if I were slightly more conscious and could really consider this definition of vagary, I'm sure I could come up with a number of much more amusing items.
1) I found through her blog that I share this with Lori. As always she describes it better than I do. "I don't know if this is something I've always done, but I've noticed in the past few months that I tend to tuck the inside of my bottom lip between my top and bottom canine teeth on the right side." Unlike Lori, I've known for quite some time that I do this.
2) I wonder at random intervals if any of my plethora of quirks will be an amusing and adorable to a significant other or one of those things that makes them want to kill me while I sleep. As I sit here and chew on my cheek/lip I wonder 'hm, if I had a boyfriend or husband, would he find it funny and adorable that I do that? or would it just irritate him?' Because, clearly, in my world there is no middle ground wherein he has zero opinion whatsoever ... he must have some opinion. right?
3) I used to 'rock' myself to sleep at night. I blame it on my mom. She rocked us as kids FOREVER. So i taught myself how to jiggle my leg just right to get enough of a rocking motion to fall asleep to. Then I heard a story or read a story about a guy who had a hard time falling asleep after his wife died because she did that. So ... I taught myself to fall asleep withOUT rocking because if I ever do get married I don't want him to have a harder time grieving my untimely death because there is no one there to rock him to sleep at night.
4) I ghost-type* while watching TV and talking to people. *moving my fingers as if I were typing, only there is no keyboard anywhere in the vicinity. Before Freshman year of high school, when I learned to type, I spelled things over and over in my mind. I even tried to keep up with the dialogue on the tv. Do you know how fast they talk??? This is my primary basis for my self-diagnosis of OCD.
5) I talk to my car as if she is a living breathing being with feelings and cares etc. When it came time to get rid of the old car I was a bit sad ... but truly felt like I could feel that Tabitha was getting tired and old and was ready for retirement. And, yes, I name my vehicles too. Right now I'm driving Mae and before Tabitha it was Hayleigh.
6) If I call you and leave you a message and you don't call me back, I will give you a couple of days and then will unceremoniously decide that you no longer like me nor want to talk to me and that is why you won't return my call. Additonally, every sideways glance or lack thereof will snowball into further proof that you do not like me and do not want to be bothered with my presence. I have only recently learned to double check withpeople at least one extra time before writing them off completely. And even with this psychotic level of neurosis I still have 160 contacts in my cell and a speed dial full of people who LOVE to hear from me. Whaddyaknow?
So ... I'm not even sure who to meme here ... Do I even know six bloggers that could or would do it?? Well, technically I do, but I've no idea if they read my blog ... so, I'll leave it up to you guys to decide. Leave comments or blog and let me know. 1 September gluttonApparently I am a glutton for punishment. I have a very dear friend who has kids who are married and have their own kids and are all over the planet. At fourth of July I saw them all and spent an hour or so with all the 'happily young married coupls' and can you guess what happened? Yep, had a breakdown on the way home. That becomes just more proof that I really am a glutton for punishment because I knew full wll ahead of time that spending time at their house would probably be very difficult for me. But I still felt the need to go. Mostly because I have come to love this friend so much that I wanted to show a bit of that love by involving myself in their 4th of July.
The reason I'm writing right now is because I have been subscribed to two of the kids blogs. Today I found out that the daughter in law and other daughter both have blogs as well. So ... what did I do? I subscribed to their blogs as well. Why? So I can see the pictures of the kids and share in the almost disgusting amount of lovey dovey happiness that becomes evident on all their blogs. Because, clearly, I don't punish myself enough for not being married already.
yep ... stop calling me Mouse ... start calling me Glutton. |
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