Kristine's profileLaughing MousePhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
Laughing MouseOccasional profundity interspersed with amusing anecdotes and the plethora of reasons why I can't seem to get a date |
||||||||||
Hey, thanks for coming to visit. Leave me a note and let me know you were here. Feel free to leave requests too, I'll see what I can do. 
|
April 11 MovingYep, I did it. I mentioned in that last post that I was thinking about starting fresh somewhere else. I did it. My blog will now appear over here
This MSN space afforded me a few bonus options that blogger didn't originally offer. But now, blogger has developed some of those and more importantly, I'm not using those optional things anyway. So, au revoir MSN Space. I'll check in here from time to time I'm sure, but I'm officially moving.
If you have ended up on this site to read my archives, know that I have written here for years. That my journey of life and mental wellness and spirituality have had ebbs and flows, ups and downs. I absolutely categorically refuse to go back and re-read all my old stuff in order to weed out things I may regret having said or things that you may be surprised to read. I refuse to go back and relive difficult moments or hard times or simple ridiculous stuff on the off chance that something may offend you. Get over it. That was who i was then and this is who I am now. I am moving forward in a new place to try to unite all the facets of my personality that I currently feel compelled to keep separate. I have a little Sybil thing going on there. So, I'm going to try and unify everything into one place where I can be the fullest me there is. My nearest and dearest will help keep me in check in real life, please do not feel compelled to do so in cyberspace. Enjoy, simply enjoy what I have said and where I am headed in the future. See you on the other side! April 04 The WomenWatched this movie tonight. I kind of wish I'd watched it long ago, like when it first came out. But I heard mediocre reviews, so I waited until the mood struck. Then I rented it. Then I waited til the night it was due and the pressure was on, and watched it. I love Meg Ryan's old stuff. Some of her new stuff I'm not a huge fan of, so I really wasn't sure what to expect. I was very pleasantly surprised.
And inspired. I absolutely love movies where a woman takes hold of her destiny and forges her path and pursues her dreams and achieves all her goals, on her own terms. They are some of my favorites. Especially when there is some romance involved, not the case here.
In this one Meg Ryan's character ends up designing a clothing line, something she has always wanted to do. And, after a very successful opening show she essentially turns down an offer from the Buyer at Saks.
I get that lovely tight feeling in my chest in moments like that. I get that feeling every few months, if I'm lucky. And it always creates two things. One an incredible depth of gratitude for the blessings I enjoy regularly. Stability. Family. Friends. A depth of love unimaginable. A material blessing far beyond the vast majority of those in this world. Hope. And it makes me ask myself what my dream is. If I were to do what she does, if I were to 'do it my way' and pursue my most secret dreams, what would I be doing? If you read the previous post then you know my dreams are many and wildly varied and almost categorically unpursued and neglected. But that lovely feeling, it makes me wonder. It makes me ask and answer myself. And it sometimes makes me pursue that dream, even if only for a night.
I find value in that. In the simple pursuit. Maybe I won't ever apply to the UN or work in a 3rd world country or even get around to volunteering in my own local community. But, that simple pursuit is still much more than most of the people I know ever get around to doing. Heck the dreaming is more than most women ever get around to.
We've been talking about the book of Joshua in church the last couple of months. And Pastor has gone on and on ad nauseum (not really, but how often do you get to say ad nauseum) about 'Your Promised Land.' And what 'The Promised Land' is for you, personally. And we have this very handy printed page to job notes on regarding that question exactly. Condensed it looks like this:
My Promised Land
Is My Promised Land clearly defined? Do I have the Right Habits to get there and stay there? Do I have the Right Attitude to get there and stay there? Do I have the Right Knowlege to get there and stay there? Do I have the Right Relationships to get there and stay there? Do I have the Right Resources to get there and stay there? And last week I was pondering this whole idea of "My Promised Land" while he was preaching and I decided to release the 'minds eye picture' of my ultimate dream and break it down to the baseline of what that represents. I wrote down "I want to have a Ministry of Exhortation." According to Merriam Webster To exhort is to incite by argument or advice, urge strongly, to give warnings or advice, make urgent appeals.
I know well the power of words. I know well the influence a well placed word has had in my world. I also know well the damage an errant slip of the tongue can wreak. I have been on both sides of this at various points in my life. I will be the first to admit I do not have my tongue under any sort of true control most of the time. ( I confess, I swear like a hungover sailor ) But I do try my best to pour encouragement and love into people. At the same time I try to push them to be willing to make changes and consider a different point of view and pursue their wishes and dreams and see beyond today or this week or even this year to the eternity that awaits. Sometimes I admit I am incredibly selfish and shallow and self-serving and just plain want to talk about ME. But there are a lot of times when I literally feel like I am pouring myself into someone else, into their situation, into their struggles, into their dreams and fears. And when I can do that and walk away feeling like they have a bit more hope than when they started, I stand taller and walk prouder and smile bigger.
So I get to the end of The Women and I think, If I were to do that what would I be pursuing?
I would write.
I have journaled since I was a child. I thoroughly, thoroughly, deeply, incredibly enjoy writing heart-felt letters and notes to friends for special occasions. I especially love my profound entries here. I admit, I have a special soft spot for my funny anecdotes, but the serious stuff is what gives me that sweet, special tightness of chest.
And I write all this out and I get that exact feeling and I think 'Why don't I write more often of what is on my heart?'
Why?
Because I'm scizophrenic. No, not really. But I do feel like I have different personalities. I feel like here I am one version of my self. On twitter I am something else. On Facebook I am something different still. And because I swear like a sailor and I have an incredibly dry and often irreverent sense of humor and I am easily one of the most random people most of my friends have ever met, I don't feel like I can be all those things in one place. I read The Pioneer Woman and occasionally Dooce and I wonder how much effort and profundity and time it would take for me to get to that point. The point where someone (anyone) will pay me simply to write.
Problem number two is I'm incredibly, deeply moody. I'm moody about foods and movies and music and topics and writing and just about everything. I refuse to try a new food until I am actually in the 'mood' to try it because otherwise I can guarantee I won't like it. It took me at least 3 months to figure out I liked whole wheat pasta. I am just as moody about movies. Which is why my reviews for The Christian Manifesto are so sporadic. I have to be in the right mooooooooooood for a movie or it doesn't stand a chance of a fair review. And to somehow fit my profundity and amusement and dreams into a box that says 'write once a week. write 3x a week. write every time you have something to say' almost kills the desire altogether.
And, then, I do that. I talk myself out of it before I've ever begun. That's how I avoid pursuing most of my dreams. I look up job openings on the UN website and think 'I'm not qualified ... and I don't think I'd like living in NYC.' I look up degree programs to return to school and pursue and think 'I won't qualify for any aid so I can't afford it anyway.' I start a direct sales business and when it doesn't simply take off immediately I say 'well, I will probably kill it horribly eventually anyway, so just let it be a few bucks now and again until they stop paying you.' I watch this lovely movie and feel the bug and sit down here at 11 at night and type for a half hour and compose this piece and tell myself 'we should blog more often. we should start a blogger blog 'cause that's easier for people to find and follow and friend. we should write at least 3x a week. ohhhhh i wonder what templates they have available.' and i get 30 minutes in and think '3x a week? are you crazy? You don't do anything 3x a week that you don't get paid money in the bank to do.' But why not? Why not spend my time writing and sharing my opinions and my anecdotes and my wisdom with the masses? Why spend hours (yeah, probably, literally, hours) a day screwing around with a virtual (i.e. FAKE!) pet on Facebook instead of attempting at the most minimal level to pursue some version of your dream??
Why not? Because I am absolutely horrified of failing and equally unequivocally terrified of succeeding wildly. Because I don't even know what that success would look like. And if there is one thing I do not like ... it is change.
So, I'm going to post this, and I'm going to go play on blogger, and maybe possibly potentially someday in the not so distant future I will post something here saying I've moved over there. for tonight, au revoir. Sweet Dreams.
March 25 probably notI love to read political suspense novels. David Baldacci especially. Somtimes I read them and ponder the behind-the-scenes workings of our domestic political stage as well as the global political stage and I am compelled to wonder at all the wheeling and dealing that is being done right now for the future of our country and our world. Often I wonder if I could work inside that realm. Wheeling and dealing and building agreements and treatises and truces and helping get the 'right' people into whatever office interests me. I am certain I couldn't handle the constant tension and stress of being an actual spy of any sort, however, I do wonder if I could be a peacekeeper of some sort. Will I ever pursue that in any way other than to post here and on facebook? probably not.
One of my favorite movies is a favorite because when one of the main characters finally gets her stuff together and truly pursues her dreams she ends up working for Amnesty International. I have looked for jobs on the UN website and various other global aid organizations as well as NPOs. I even printed off an application or two. Will I ever fill one out and make a tangible impact on the state of humanity on this planet? probably not.
My mom informed me last night that I need to quit my job. That suddenly and that randomly. Made me stop dead in the middle of the living room and stare at her because I was certain I had heard her wrong or she hadn't finished her thought yet. She followed it up by telling me I need to be in the computer field somehow. She had a problem with something she's working on for her work and "knew" I could solve it for her. When I didn't have an immediate answer she thought maybe she'd finally stumped me. However, I googled the problem and got her an answer and impressed her immensely yet again. She asked if I had ever thought about going back to school. Yes, I have. I've even printed off brochures. And asked good friends who work in computers what their suggestions would be for what specificity to pursue. Will I ever put money down to pursue that idea? probably not.
I have dreamt, at length, about marrying a very rich singer or actor. A few reasons. I would be a very good celebrity girlfriend/wife. If you're a jerk, I'm not going to stick around just 'cause you're rich. I'll still bolt ... after I get a car and maybe some jewelry. Also, I'm not all about the spotlight, but I'm not opposed to it either. I'm very down-to-earth and would likely help keep you grounded. Also, I would happily sign a pre-nup. As long as the pre-nup states that if there is any form of proof that you have or are cheating on me that I still get an incredible amount of money for you turning out to be a jerk in the end. I've considered Danny from CSI:NY, Richard Alpert from LOST (although he may be a tad old), Nick Stokes from CSI, Booth from Bones, or the other geeky guy from Bones, or even some of the BIG names. I have an ongoing wish for Kenny Chesney. Will any of these ever happen? probably not.
I have considered becoming a hair dresser. Opening a $1.00 movie theater. Moving into a Seniors Apartment complex and asking for discounted rent for plannin various activities for the resients. I have looked into buying a Curves for Women franchise. I have done direct sales. I have considered creating a niche business for myself in organizing people's homes and offices. I have also considered a niche business of helping (older) people learn how to use technology to its fullest, helping them set up cell phones and emails and learning the programs on their computer as well as the plethora of fun to be had on the interwebs. I have thought about independently doing administrative work for Direct Sales managers etc in my area. Will I ever pursue any of these? probably not.
I'm a dreamer. It's what I do. I'm even reasonably good at dreaming for other people. Now if there were some way to get people to pay me to dream for them and then give them their fantastic idea to go and make millions at ... THAT i could possibly be very very good at. Why won't I ever pursue any of this? I don't really have the drive. When the rubber hits the road and it's ti eto actually (gasp) *work* then I'm no longer interested and all the best parts of the dream are gone and all I am left with are the drawbacks. Typicaly I don't mind the loss of the dream. The $1.00 movie theater idea was birthed because there was an abandoned theater here in town,that dream has died because some jerk decided to tear it down and build something really depressing, like a Baby Gap. (not really, that's a movie line, 2 points if you can name the movie), but he has torn it down. So, clearly, I can't open a $1.00 theater in that location. And I am TOTALLY not a build it from scratch kind of girl. So, I drive around and make up these grand schemes and then someone tears down the theater and I move on to the next. maybe one of these days I'll be able to make it stick. Or I'll get married to someone incredibly wealthy and won't have to wish for a life that is not ruled by someone else's alarm clock. February 19 Incredibly blessedI started this post, literally, over a half hour ago. And sadly, now all the inspiration has left the building. I am too tired to be profound and too tired to be witty and too tired to really write very much worth reading. and now this computer is half frozen, mostly locked up and BEYOND annoying.
and this was going to be such a nice, encouraging sweet post. About God and all my great friends.
now I'm not so sure ...
I was going to write about how i truly have the GREATEST friends in the world. You could argue with me, but unless I, myself, am on YOUR list of friends, you would be wrong.
This afternoon I got to chat with a friend whose had some major life changes (new baby) in the last couple of months so I've given her the space she's needed to adjust. And I've missed her. But I got to chat with her tonight for awhile. Nothing major, nothing profound, nothing earth-shattering or traumatic or dramatic. Just a lovely catch-up chat. And I was blessed.
I was driving home lamenting my current state of singleness (this has become much too much the norm for me) and for some reason, it occurred to me how great my friends are. (thanks God) and how much they have walked through with me. And how much they have encouraged me and loved me and helped me become more fully the best 'me' I am capable of being.
I know I am blessed. I truly do. I look around and I can see that others lack what I have. I have had people actually tell me that they lack that and envy my abundance. So, I am well aware of my blessedness.
But, I get too easily and too often focused on my lack. And the only true lack I get focused on and upset about for any length of time is the lack of an individual person who is committed whoelly to a deep, intimate relationship with me for an indefinite period of time. A really schmancy way of saying
I DON'T WANNA BE SINGLE!!!
But I was able to get up in church a few weeks back and testify that although I don't wish this to be my state, I can see and feel that God himself is my shield and protector. That he has my very best interests in mind and my very best 'self' at heart. I know without a doubt that he has protected me from some iffy and dangerous and useless potential relationships by simply refusing me access to the men that would be a part of that type of relationship. (sincerely, not picking out people I've actually met and known, just a soul-deep knowing) On my sane days in my spirit-filled/led moments I understand and even agree with that. On my crazy days and carnal days and selfish days and weepy days, I just wish for someone to kiss. I haven't been kissed ... AT ALL ... in... (omg, I think I'm gonna cry when i figure out the exact year on this one) 7 years. Yep, here come the tears.
This, these tears that you can't see, this is the reason I don't do the math on that. I konw what it's like to be close to someone. Very close, for an extended period of time, and on some level I know what I lack. I can't know the fullness and depth that is possible because I didn't make it that far down that road ... but I have had a taste of it. Right or wrong is irrelevant because it's done and forgiven and dealt with But I can tell you unequivocally that if you haven't started down that road ... DON'T. until there are rings involved and vows and a ginormous celebration ... just don't. Songs (i believe) says a couple of times not to arouse or awaken love before it so desires. I can testify to the truth of that. I really don't think my struggle would be quite so difficult if I hadn't feigned artificial intimacy with someone already.
Regardless, again, it's done. And here I am, cryin in my nachos again, wishing for something that to be just brutally honest, may not even exist in this world for me. I know, a lot of you are saying "no, it's out there." "he'll find you." "it'll happen." blah blah blah. but unless you have walked this road with me, please don't toss handy pat answers at me. They aren't any more encouraging than a cheesy bumper sticker. It's easy for you to say that, you've been married 10+ years. It's easy for you to say that, you've had your kids. It's easy for you to say that, you're finding fresh depth and awareness and love for your partner. Or, if that doesn't apply, it's still easy for you to say that ecause you think I'm pretty great. Because, let's be honest, if you didn't you wouldn't be reading my blog now would you? But have you seen what's out there?? It's not pretty. It's not encouraging. It's not character-filled or integrity-ridden. It is shallow and selfish and self-serving. And, until you can set me up wtih a good man, who loves Jesus and is willing to consider a real commitment, then don't toss pat answers at me. Cause my experience is proving otherwise.
But my nearest and dearest. Your relationships bless me deeply. Your husbands bless me. Your kids bless me. The fact that you accept me as I am, sitting here, size 16/18, night owl staying up way too late, cryin in my nachos and not only accept me, but think I'm pretty dang great too ... well ... that blesses me well beyond ANY words that have ever been written on this earth. Neither of us will know this side of the gates the full impact of your presence and love in my life. Know that I am truly deeply incredibly blessed to call you friend. And that there are some inevitable life experiences that I may need your support to get through if there is no husband in my future. Know that I love you more than you could realize. And, that I do my darndest to be here for you in every way possible because I recognize the depth of blessing I enjoy from your friendship and I wish to return the favor as much as possible in as many ways as possible.
Thank you. For all that you are and all that you bring to my life.
Philippians 1:3 - I Thank my God in ALL my Rememberance of you. February 05 The Invisible (wo)manA friend told me a couple weeks ago to update my blog, so I finally am. I came over last week and changed the song, but hadn't had time to change the post yet. So, here I am. I thought about finding that picture that says "MY BOSS TOLD ME TO CHANGE THE STUPID SIGN, SO I DID." But I decided it would take too much time to find it.
Instead I will regale you with my deeply surreal 'Am I in a sci-fi movie? / twilight zone' moment tonight. I decided that I was going to go ahead and get a digital convertor box and antenna for my living room. I was hesitating because, honestly, I spend most of my TV-watching-time in my computer room multi-tasking. But then a couple weeks ago I was home sick and wishing I'd set up that TV.
Tonight I went to Radio Shack, on my mom's recommendation based on her sister's level of ecstasy with their box, to get a box and antenna. I thought I'd have to make choices and explain what I wanted and what other brand products I owned etc. Nope. But before I get to that part. Let me stop myself and tell you the important part. The part that warrants posting in a blog all by itself.
I walked in and walked up to the registers, because there is no need to browse, I know what I want and I know what I want to walk out with and i don't want to have to think terribly hard about it or pretend that I'm browsing to get someone's attention. I just need someone to tell me which box to get and which antenna etc.
A woman had walked in just ahead of me realizing she had a problem with a couple of cell phones she had, literally, just purchased. So, I wait a few feet from her, because I'm patient, and she's kinda frantic and I got time to spare for now. There are two guys helping her, neither of which acknowledge me with anything more than a spare glance. There is also an older, white-haired guy behind the counter within arms reach of me. I'm not entirely sure he could see me anyway because he was quite short, for a man, and there was a rather sizable computer monitor betwixt us. (Ya just never get to say betwixt) None of these men speak to me or look at me expectantly as if to help or even acknowledge me in any real 'salesman like' fashion AT ALL.
A fourth man comes out of hte back, a rather old man, carrying boxes. He walks up to another couple, asks if he can help them with anything, they say no. He walks past me, asks someone else behind me if he can help them, and when they say no, he returns to the back room of the store. Meanwhile the white-haired guy has come out from behind the desk only to walk to the other side of the store, still ignoring me!
The cell phone lady has been getting help from the two guys this whole time. She finally gets her stuff figured out and leaves. One of the two guys turns away and goes into the back room. The other guy? He starts punching stuff into the computer!!
I am not actually angry at this point, or ever for that matter. I am incredulous, utterly disbelieving. I've heard people say women are 'invisible' in tech stores like this and never believed it. I've also heard fat women/fat people are invisible to the general population in various situations. But you have Got to be kidding me! I am, literally, the only person standing in the store for at least 10 feet around me and I am standing still, in the middle of nowhere, not facing anything nor lookin at anything. And yet FOUR men are able to absolutely, completely ignore me. Hmmmm.
After standing there, alone, waiting, for at least a full minute and a half, possibly more, I raise my hands in that 'surrender' style gesture we all do and I say to the guy:
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but am I invisible or something??
I've been standing here for 5 minutes and
FOUR people have walked past me without acknowledging me in any way!"
He could not have BEEN more apologetic. Somehow, lord only knows how, he had the idea that someone was helping me. Now I don't know about you, but believing there are 5 people working at Radio Shack on a Thursday night is a bit far fetched for me. Because, clearly he and the buddy were workign with the cell phone lady. The old guy who came out from the back clearly never spoke to me. And the white haired guy, although the likeliest candidate, wandered off never to be seen from again. And, in fact, may have been helping SOMEONE ELSE when I did leave the store.
Seriously. never had that happen. Was utterly flabbergasted. I did, however, purchase my convertor and antenna there. Only because my aunt Carol thinks it is the greatest box ever. So, now I have tv reception in my living room. Where am I now? in the spare room. I am about to go watch a movie in the living room ... on my dvd player. not on the tv. But now I know it's available. And, more importantly, so does mom. Because, really, she is the reason I got it. She just can't seem to tolerate me not having tv shows available on that tv. It is unfathomable to her. ((shrug))
Now I have it, happiness abounds.
|
|||||||||
Send a private message
Tell a friend
Add to your network
|
|
